Have you ever wondered, how to be a good mom? What a vague question with an even vaguer answer! Nevertheless, I want to know! I don’t know if you can relate, but the mom I want to be and the mom that I am are often two very different people…unfortunately. No woman has ever looked at her newborn baby in her arms and thought, “I’m going to bark at you, be irritated by you, resent you, and be angry with you.”
The narrative in my mind was very different when we welcomed our first child. I thought, “I’m going to be the best mom! I’ll hold you, rock you to sleep, sing to you, be patient with you and teach you so many things. I will play with you and you will never want for anything.”
And… my oldest child was colicky. For almost a FULL YEAR! And he didn’t sleep through the night until he was three YEARS old (and he has a brother only two years younger than him who also didn’t sleep through the night until he was three! Sleep training did NOT work for us!) So, you can imagine how a complete lack of sleep and temporary insanity caused by a screaming baby changed that narrative. Honestly, I had no idea how to be a good mom anymore!
Always tired and irritable, I thought I might go crazy. I have very few good memories of the first year of my eldest son’s life. We have pictures of him sleeping, so I know he did it once in a while. I actually have a few pictures of him smiling too. Regardless, colicky babies have a profound effect on marriage, on mental health, and on parents, especially the one spending the day with them, in general.
Beyond that, we have added a plethora of other issues: three more children–one with special needs and adopted from a tough start. I homeschool them and work part-time. I’ve spent the last four years fighting for my health. I have dirty laundry and dirty dishes coming out my ears (and no dishwasher) and more messes than I could ever count. I have the ups and downs of two teenagers and a really great, but very intense husband. It’s a lot!
Sometimes, I look at my kids after I’ve just lost my temper and wonder what happened to the mom who was going to be so great! And then, my sweet daughter says, “You’re the best mom in the whole world.” And my heart shatters.
What happened to those original goals of being such a good mom? Did I even recognize that I was nowhere near meeting them? Sometimes, we don’t even realize that we are changing until we don’t recognize the woman in the mirror! I didn’t formally set goals for myself as a mom, but I had in my head and I was not meeting them!
In fairness, the mom I wanted to be was based on ideals and not on reality; however, I think I just threw those ideals out the window when I met my reality, never to visit them again! I need to re-visit my ideals and shape them based on who I am now, who I want to be, and what is realistic. Here are five steps to take to be a good mom!
How to Be a Good Mom (the mom you’ve always wanted to be):
- Think about the mom you always thought you would be–
Write down those qualities. For me, when my boys were little, we had so much fun! I was out catching grasshoppers with them at the park, playing pirates on the pirate ship, climbing trees, and just playing so much! I always wanted to be the fun mom that never wasted a moment with her kids! After all, 18 years is just a blip on the radar! I still try to be fun, but my fun-loving attitude has been slowly disappearing over the last decade. I involved myself in activities and added more to my schedule. Before long, the fun part of me was buried in a pile of responsibility rubble. Having more fun with my kids is staying at the top of my list of goals!
- Think about the mom you are–
How are you different from the mom you thought you would be? (Both good AND bad!) I’m a better mom than I thought I would be in some ways! If you look closely at yourself, I’m sure there are ways in which you have surprised yourself with your momming abilities too!
- Now think about your reality–
How can you be a good mom? How can you find a balance between the mom you always thought you would be, the mom you are, and the mom you want to be? Pull it all together to set a realistic goal for yourself. This is where you need to be very narrowly focused. It’s too easy to take on too many things and set yourself a very vague goal. That will not serve you well! Be specific!
- Pray–
Ask God to bless your efforts to become the mom He wants you to be. Praying about this is not imperative, but it is if you want to be successful! You can do things the hard way, but it is God’s will for you to be a godly mom, so you can count on Him to help you!
- Write down that game plan!
What are three tangible things you can do to move toward that goal? (Examples: Set the timer for 15 minutes and act silly with my child; Think of something spontaneous to do this week to surprise my children; Involve my kids more in daily life in order to just visit with them more; etc.)
Losing two of my jobs and taking a major cut in hours at my other job has definitely caused a little anxiety over money; but it has been a true blessing in disguise for my family! Twenty different things no longer compete for my attention. Instead, I spend more time with my children; keep up my housework better; and challenge myself to become the mom I’ve always wanted to be! (The mom I used to be!) It has also forced me to think about creative ways to engage my children! The depressive nature of all the things going on around us motivates me to guarantee the fun to be had. I am much more intentional about meeting these goals naturally!
I said at the very start of this blogging journey that I wanted to create a space where we could come together and have great discussions. Let me know in the comments what your goals are. How will you be a good mom? I could use some encouragement to keep pressing toward reaching mine and I’d love to encourage you as well!
Press on, Lady! You’ve got this!