“If I knew this was my last day with my children, how would we spend it?” Would I say “yes” more often and do more fun things with my children?
A friend of mine was listening to a speaker who, at the time of her speaking engagement, was dying of cancer. I’m sorry I can’t give credit where credit is due, and I’m also apologizing, in advance, in case I get something wrong. Ultimately, as she knew she did not have much time with her kids, she lived differently. She also realized that so many of the things she said “No” to her kids about was because of herself. Speaking candidly, she explained that she got in the way of having fun because she didn’t want to clean up the mess after playing with Play-Doh, or painting pictures. She talked about that shift in her perspective and how it changed the way she parented.
If there’s one thing I learned through having our foster son and having him leave so quickly, it’s that we are not guaranteed any more time than we have right now with our kids.
Yes, of course, we’ve all heard this scenario before and maybe we’ve even thought about it and maybe we’ve gone the extra mile and even lived like it was our last day…once. Twice?
But then life happens. You know those nights when you’re just counting down how many minutes until bedtime. And then, after you tuck everyone into bed and all you want to do is slump onto the couch…your little girl asks to be read to. Why is it always then?
Kids hear the word, “No” a lot! I mean, some of them truly ask questions that the answer will always be “no” to. “Mom, can I use my grappling hook to repel from the chimney?” No. “Mom, can we hide in the freezer? We’ll put everything back!” Um…no. “Mom, can I triple the ingredients in this experiment to try to get a bigger explosion?” NO! (Seriously! If you knew the questions that have been asked of me and yes, these are legit!)
For me, other times, I say, “no” because I don’t want to. I don’t want to get up right now to get you a glass of water; I don’t want to clean up the mess from your art activity; and I don’t want to wash ANY MORE DISHES right now! I don’t…translates to “you can’t” very quickly!
Now, I’m not suggesting that you’re being selfish for saying, “no” to things because just like with anything, there is a balance that needs to be struck. You’re not selfish for not wanting to spend your entire day cleaning up after your children’s messy activities; however, could you say yes to one messy thing? And then teach your child how to clean up? Can you say “yes” more often?
I remember a mom I knew years ago. Her five-year-old kept asking her if they could build a solar system together. Really? She had images of the old mobiles made out of grapefruit and oranges in her mind. She said, “no” multiple times until she just finally relented. Do you know what he did when she finally said, “yes?” He ran and got all different sizes of balls and lined them up on the living room floor; then proceeded to tell his mom each planet’s name and then, he was done! He was so happy to have gotten to do it and it took all of five minutes!
That is the number one thing to remember about activities with your kids. They don’t have to be Pinterest-worthy to be so valuable for them! Pinterest has done moms everywhere a major disservice in that regard! Throw those Pinterest expectations out the window and do things your child’s way. He will feel special, it will be much easier than you’re making it, and your kids can hear the word “yes” more often!
Here are Five Reasons to Say “Yes” More Often:
- Kids hear “no” all the time—Again, there are some kids who just ask a lot of questions that need the word “no,” but most of the time, it’s us. It’s not coincidence that one of the first words a baby learns is “no.” If the only thing your child ever hears is, “no,” it often sends the message that nothing he or she does is “right.”
I know when I’m saying “no” too often when my youngest daughter starts asking me questions like, “I can’t have a piece of candy right?” That’s my signal that maybe I’m saying “no” too often (or, she has figured out how to manipulate by asking that way!)
- It’s fun to say, “yes!”—I rarely have regrets about saying, “yes.” Why is it so easy to say, “no,” when it’s so much more fun to just say “yes!” Your child wants to spend time with you—say “yes!” If you want your child to still want to spend time with you when he or she is older, you have to be saying, “yes” to that now. It might not be your cup of tea, but say, “yes” to a walk in the woods with your sons. Say “yes” to a tea party with your girls! I bet you’ll have fun! And I promise, your chores will be there waiting for you afterward!
- Hearing “yes” builds confidence—Every time you say “yes” to something your child asks to do, it builds his or her self-confidence. When you say, “yes,” she learns that you trust her. You are giving her freedom when you say, “yes.” She also realizes that she has good ideas! When she presents an idea to you, and you say, “yes,” it builds her confidence because she sees that she had an idea of which you approve.
- Saying “yes” encourages your child to ask permission—We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.” That is NOT what I want my kids to think! If they hear “no” every time they ask questions, they may stop asking and just start doing. But when you say, “yes” some of the time, it teaches your child which types of activities you approve of and which types you don’t. Thus, helping him or her make better choices in the future!
- Kids are people too–I don’t know if it’s just me, but sometimes I forget that my children are little people. How happy do you feel if everything you suggest gets shot down? It’s discouraging and it’s frustrating. Don’t forget that this is how it feels for your children too-whether they are toddlers or teenagers.
The main key to this is to just be aware of your answers. Ask yourself: “Is this something I can say, “yes” to?” Examine whether or not it’s an activity that infringes on either your child’s or family’s safety or moral values. Obviously, those are times you MUST say, “no!” But there are many questions that we are asked throughout the day and our automatic response just comes out as, “no.” We need to stop and say “yes” whenever we can!