It has never been more important to talk to your kids about stranger danger…and in reality, danger with people we know…than now! With so much more awareness of the human trafficking epidemic that, in my opinion, is FAR more legitimate than the COVID-19 “pandemic,” parents must be relentless and vigilant about teaching our children about personal safety!
Of course, we are so much more aware now that sometimes, the most dangerous people are those we trust…and shouldn’t. So, we not only have to teach our kids not to trust strangers, but we also need to teach them not to trust just any family member, friend, friend’s parent, pastor, etc.
Can we allow them to go to friends’ houses for sleepovers, or even just to play? Can we allow them to stay at an aunt’s and uncle’s house? Or even grandparents?
Because I know an entire family of boys who never suffered any abuse in their home growing up, but years later, their own daughters were abused by their dad. It is absolutely heartbreaking for them to know that their daughters were abused by one of the people they trusted most in the world…and that trust was betrayed in the worst way possible.
Heartbreaking.
How do you even begin to work through something like that?
And the worst part? That abuse makes those girls more vulnerable to become victims of human trafficking.
On and on it goes. Thinking of it could make any sane person want to bury her head in the sand and just say, “I don’t want to know!” But that’s exactly what predators want…and they’ll come for your kids next.
We must teach our children personal safety, and we must start young! But how do we teach them about the absolute dangers of this world without crippling them with fear and anxiety?
First of all, for me, it starts with faith in a loving God, Who sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for our sins, not because we are good, but because He is good. Not because we work hard enough, or serve the Lord well enough, but because His love and grace are enough.
Why does it start there? Well, because walking with the Lord doesn’t mean that you will never go through fire. But it does mean you will never go through fire alone…and that has a calming effect on me!
The rest of it? Well, I think it boils down to absolute vigilance.
How to Teach Your Children About Personal Safety
- Talk to your children OFTEN about appropriate and inappropriate touch!–
Many parents, including myself, find this conversation to be a bit uncomfortable. Therefore, we often think of it as a one and done kind of thing. This simply does not work. We have to be having regular conversations with them about appropriate and inappropriate touch.
When someone touches a child inappropriately, it shocks the child and catches the child completely off guard.
I think this would happen, regardless of how many times we have talked to that child about what is appropriate and inappropriate. Unfortunately, however, I have several friends who were victims of sexual abuse, each at a young age. In the majority of the cases, they kind of know that what’s happening is not okay, but their abusers “normalized” it in some way, which prevented them from ever telling their parents what was happening.
If we make our children aware that, no matter what, it is not normal, they might be more willing to come forward if something does happen.
Also, teaching your child some of the phrases that predators use to normalize things will hopefully give them the power to recognize what is happening.
Phrases such as, “This will be our special secret thing that we do together.” Or one time, a mom told me that her daughter told her, “Daddy uses his special parts to clean my special parts.”
And yes, even just typing that out makes me want to puke. I never want to have that conversation with my children (boys need to hear it just as much as girls!) But more than anything, I never want someone else to have that conversation with them! So, I have to bite down hard and teach them.
- Teach them what to do if they are touched inappropriately–
Several of the victims I know felt that what was happening was wrong, but didn’t know what to do. Some of them tried to tell their parents, but feared their parents wouldn’t believe them. Others didn’t understand what was happening and thought it was a normal part of childhood and therefore, didn’t tell their parents.
Sometimes predators use fear to manipulate children too. They tell them things like, “If you tell anyone about this, I will kill your parents and then you can come and live with me.”
Can you imagine the fear that child has?
But if your child knows ahead of time that if anyone EVER says something like this to them, they must be brave and tell, and not to worry because that person is a liar, maybe that child will not suffer for years in silence and have all kinds of psychological damage.
Sexual abuse can be dealt with and people can heal. It is often the years of turmoil that people go through because they suffered in silence that causes more damage than the abuse itself.
Teach your children that you will always believe them on something like that. Kids don’t make things like this up on their own. Yes, there have been false allegations made in some cases in the past by children with deranged parents who want to accuse, but that is so rare.
Why would a child make it up?
And listen carefully. If you expect your child to tell you the important things, you have to listen to EVERYTHING! Yes, it can be exhausting. But if you have sent the message to your child that you don’t listen when they speak, they won’t speak to you about the life and death matters either!
- NO secrets from Mom and Dad–
Teach your children, from a very young age, that there are no secrets from Mom and Dad. Only a couple of days ago, my daughters were whispering about something. My youngest daughter wanted to tell me something and my oldest daughter cried, “No! That’s our secret!”
No way. I stopped her in her tracks and said, “No. You may not encourage her to keep secrets from us. We don’t have secrets from Mom and Dad in this house…EVER.”
And my oldest daughter remembered and realized what she was doing.
It was an innocent little secret and not a big deal at all. It was something they were doing all in fun, but not okay.
My daughter got a note from her friend the other day that said, “We better not talk about ‘you know what’ because my sister is getting suspicious.” Nope. That’s not allowed either!
In this case, the “you know what” is already something I know about, but I do really crack down hard on this. Leaving out information, or keeping secrets, is not only dishonest to your parents, but it can be incredibly dangerous because of how predators manipulate children.
If our children think that secrets are fun, they will be more likely to feel special when they have “special little secrets” with a predator.
We do allow them to have surprises–like keeping a gift a secret, but they still need to tell one parent what they are up to.
This is definitely difficult–I don’t want to go overboard, but I would rather err on the side of overprotectiveness in this matter, than being lax.
- Teach them to have heightened senses–
Last year, as one of my sons walked home, he realized was being followed. Like…legitimately and seriously followed. It happens in even the smallest of towns.
It turned out that a bunch of teenagers thought it would be funny to scare my son to death. But they messed with the wrong kid.
My son will earn his third degree junior blackbelt in Tae Kwon Do in a matter of a few days. He has incredible awareness of what is going on around him. I think some of that is simply his personality, but I do credit his Tae Kwon Do training as well.
In the situation, he recognized that he was being followed, thought about how he could test his theory to be sure, and then stayed calm and walked almost all the way home. A few blocks from our house, he thought, “I don’t want this person to know where I live” so instead, he turned and went to a store up town…with security cameras.
My mom worked there for years so he knows everyone there. He ran inside and appeared visibly shaken. But it was because of that decision that we got the vehicle from the security camera to make a police report.
In this case, it was a bunch of teenagers acting stupidly. However, this was an incredibly serious matter. Thus, we did not allow them to use our son’s mental health as their personal playground.
I cannot tell you how much my son impressed me with those decisions at the age of twelve. This was not a scenario I had ever thought through or walked through with him.
So, if you can, I highly recommend that your child takes some sort of self-defense class. It doesn’t have to be all the time. It can be a one-time thing. But the confidence that it builds in kids often makes them less likely targets to predators. And the skills it builds can help them navigate situations they never knew would come up.
- Have Strict Rules about Sleepovers–
Sleepovers. Such a dilemma sometimes. In our small town, sleepovers are still a thing, but they are such a threat to kids’ personal safety. We have had to say, “No” more than once to our children because of this.
Our first rule was absolutely no sleepovers at someone else’s house until our children are ten years old. The reasoning: At ten, a child knows if something is not right. When kids are younger, they tend to be more vulnerable because they might not recognize sexual abuse when it’s happening…especially if it’s happening to their friend too.
Again, normalizing it is a predator’s first line of defense.
If we allow a sleepover to happen, it is only with families we feel we know very well and trust. Also, be sure to ask about other kids who will be there.
One family invited my daughter for a sleepover when she was only seven. Of course, we said, “No” because of our rule, but as I visited with the mom, she told me that each of her kids was having a friend overnight that night.
This is a mom that I feel I know fairly well, but I didn’t know any of the kids that were going to be there. Her son and daughter were 11 and 12 years old. So, had I not known that and just thought, “I trust them,” I may have sent my seven-year-old daughter off to a sleepover with 12-year-old boys present!
Seriously, if you are going to allow a sleepover, you must do your vetting wisely!
We mostly try to only have sleepovers at our own home, whenever we can. Of course, you have to be willing to allow your kids to have them, if this is how you choose to handle it.
I know parents who just say “Absolutely no sleepovers.” And I fully respect that too. I make sure I let parents know that I will never take offense to someone trying to protect their kids.
Decide what is right and best for you and your family together with your husband. My husband has forgotten the rules about sleepovers a couple of times. Let me just say, I was not happy with him when I laid awake an entire night praying that God would keep my son safe because he was at a sleepover with people I did not know at all!
Final Thoughts On Teaching Kids Personal Safety
Mama Bears, this may be one of the MOST IMPORTANT conversations you will ever have with your children…again and again. I can’t guarantee that it will prevent anything. I wish there was a magic process for that. But what I do know is that when it comes down to it, knowledge is power in this case.
Predators are looking for children who are vulnerable. They look for the children who probably wouldn’t know any better. They look for the children who would be scared to come forward.
So we have to do whatever we can to make them not see that in our children. Be brave and be vigilant!
