I don’t like to criticize other parents for the most part, because I’m a firm believer in the idea that if I don’t want to take the blame for the bad stuff, I probably shouldn’t jump to take credit for the good stuff either. However, I do notice things once in a while that really just make me want to take a mom by the shoulders and say, “There’s a better way.” This happened recently and it was just a blatant, obvious case of the mom having absolutely no consequences for her kids.
I was at Walmart with three of my kids. Another mom came around the corner with two children–I’m guessing around ages nine and five. Her daughter was not listening when she told her to quit doing something.
And so..the inevitable countdown ensued. “One…Two. You need to come back here right now. One…Two…No, I don’t know where Grandma is so you need to stay here. One…Two…”
The mom never got to three. In fact, I was beginning to wonder if she wasn’t able to count past two because it certainly wasn’t because her daughter was changing her behavior that she didn’t make it to three.
I am not the only one who notices these things. I can’t be. Let me tell you, the confrontation was obvious! All I could think of was, “That little girl is going to go to school and only be able to count to two!”
It ended with the mom saying, “Whatever” in the same snotty tone her daughter was speaking in, and the little girl, round four years old, wandering off to find her grandma in a Walmart while her mom looked at a box of hair dye.
Again, I don’t share this story with you because I want to criticize that mom. I share this story with you to encourage you that IT CAN BE BETTER! The Walmart mom looked tired, and based on the fact that pretty much every mom I know is tired, I’m just going to make the guess that she was tired.
When someone is running your life, it is exhausting.
Her children were clearly the ones controlling the household…and that is exhausting.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. If this is how you are parenting, don’t worry, it’s not too late! You can still make it to three, but you need a solid plan of action in place–one that involved consistency and consequences!
Best Consequences for Kids When Parenting in Public
- In the Cart–
If my youngest daughter does not listen when we are in a store, she immediately goes into the cart. Sometimes, she chooses to ride in the cart simply because she gets tired quickly, but if she’s walking next to me and doesn’t obey, she goes directly into the cart. I may give her one warning, but usually not.
If you are consistent with your rules, your child will already know that if she doesn’t obey, she has to sit in the cart. However, if you have not been consistent in the past, then one warning to your child is appropriate and the first act of disobedience after, results in a child in the cart.
Sometimes, you have to pull one cart, with your child in it, and push the cart with your stuff in it, but it’s worth it! After all, do we really have time to deal with disobedient children when we’re just trying to survive a trip to Walmart? Put that child in the cart and be on your merry way.
Of course, your child probably won’t like this and may throw a fit. Okay. Big deal. It’s not like people go to Walmart for a stress-free, relaxing experience!
When my son was colicky, someone told me, “Don’t ever be afraid to just put him in his crib and let him cry there. He is safe there and you don’t need to drive yourself crazy with guilt over it.”
Yep, same deal in Walmart. The little girl in Walmart would have been a lot safer crying in her mom’s cart than wandering around aimlessly by herself trying to find her grandma because her mom didn’t feel like parenting at the moment.
- If You’re Going to Count, Make it Count–
I do not count as a warning to my children…EVER! I read once that constantly warning your children is insulting to their intelligence. I actually fully agree! Consistency in parenting and in using consequences communicates and teaches your children what your expectations of them are.
Warning them again and again simply undermines the fact that they know the expectations already.
Hear me! Your kids are far more intelligent than you are giving them credit for! In fact, in the case in Walmart, the little girl had parenting figured out better than her mom. She knew her mom would never get to three and that she would get her way.
And just curious…what is at the end of the counting? If you do get to three, does your child know what the consequence actually is?
The bottom line is that counting is usually done only because the parent does not want to discipline. I get it! I get tired of disciplining all the time too! But if we didn’t want to discipline, we shouldn’t have had babies! Babies grow up and need discipline!
If you must count, be sure your child knows what the consequence is ahead of time and for pity sake, GET TO THREE!
- What I Do Count–
When we have a long day ahead of us, I sometimes tell my children, “If you guys can’t behave, I’ll start counting.”
They know I mean business. Counting is not a warning when we are in the store. Counting happens when I have already talked to you once about your behavior and you haven’t listened. Now, you have extra chores when we get home.
With my younger children, whatever number I reach is the number of extra chores they must complete when we get home. For my older children, who absolutely know what is appropriate behavior and what is not, whatever number I reach is the number of HOURS of chores they must complete when we get home.
I have very little tolerance for my teenagers misbehaving while we are trying to get our family shopping done. They are not new. The expectations have been clear for many years. This is something they can handle.
And if someone hears you start counting, they will be amazed that the behavior actually stops at one! This is one of the most effective consequences I have ever used in public.
- Holding Hands or Holding the Cart–
When I was a kid and my brothers and I couldn’t get along, my parents, the king and queen of creative consequences, forced the offending parties to sit and hold hands until we could work it out.
If one of my older brothers and I had to hold hands, it was done in five minutes or less. We worked things out and moved on.
If it was my other brother…oh man. We could NEVER move on with our days! It was impossible to work things out unless the other party took ALL the blame and apologized a hundred times. I think he just loved to be the “punisher.”
Trust me. Your kids are NOT going to want to hold hands in public! And if they know you to be the parent that follows through, they will figure out how to get along the minute you say they will have to hold hands.
An alternative option is to make them hold onto the cart as you shop–and not move from it. This is not fun, it keeps your children where you can see them, and contained, making it one of the best consequences for kids.
- Counting Items or Watching a Clock–
Another consequence my parents used when we were in trouble was forcing us to sit on a chair and watch the clock. We had to report to my mom whenever the minute changed. Seriously, not fun.
You can do a variation of this when you’re in a store, or in public too. If you don’t have a face clock, you can use a digital clock, but it’s not quite as effective. Another variation though, if you’re in a grocery store or department store, is to have them count the number of items with a blue label. Count the number of items that are priced at $2.49 for example.
This becomes tedious quickly and your child will promise to act appropriately just to get out of a discipline as boring as watching paint dry!
Final Thoughts on Consequences for Kids When Parenting in Public
Mom, I need you to hear me. No one benefits from your lack of follow-through on discipline. Sometimes, we believe the lie that we are hurting our kids when we discipline them, or that permissive parenting is empowering, but it is simply not true. Life is full of discipline! Our kids need to hear the word, “No,” and know that we mean it because that prepares them for life.
Discipline is love. It is a tool used to teach our children life lessons and to raise them to be decent human beings who don’t get to do what they want when they want all the time!
Beyond that, children need boundaries in order to feel safe. They push at those boundaries to test the safety of their surroundings and when the boundaries are moveable, the child does not feel safe, and in some cases, is indeed, not safe!
Remember that discipline hurts us more than it hurts them. I used to hate when my parents said it to me, but it’s true. We avoid disciplining our children, not usually for the pain it causes them, but for the pain it causes us. That’s not fair to your kids! They need consequences and they need us to enforce rules and execute the consequences. I will say it again, kids need consequences!
Once you establish consequences and consistency in follow-through, your children will be less exhausting and you will be far less likely to discipline out of anger and instead, out of love.
This is an investment of time, but the return on investment is great! It’s hard, selfless work, but you’re up for the challenge! And in the end, you will get to be the mom strolling through Walmart with your kids not begging for things, not bickering, and obeying. (Okay, nevermind! Let’s keep our expectations reasonable!)
