My youngest daughter can be infuriating at times. Really, each of my children can be, but there are some children who are infuriating because they make mistakes that make more work for us…and then there are children who are infuriating because they try to be. I have two of those children! Those children…refine us. Why? Because I don’t know about you, but I most certainly make more mistakes with my children who are more challenging. They just lead me into uncharted waters more often! And whenever I make mistakes as a mom, my self-esteem takes a hit. Can you relate? I don’t think there’s a mom in the world who doesn’t need a boost in self-esteem any day of the week!
My youngest daughter is also adopted. There are a lot of different issues that compound parenting in the situation of adoption…and some days, I fear that my mistakes in handling her antics are breaking her! How do you ever really know if you’re doing things right or wrong? And why is it that we, as moms, almost always assume that what we are doing is wrong?
In any case, I have made plenty of mistakes! And sometimes, my self-esteem is in the toilet because I am my own worst critic! I have observed with my two older children, especially, that they can become fixated on their mistakes and even though they bring their sin to the Lord and confess it, and ask forgiveness from whomever they have hurt, it is most difficult to forgive themselves.
Where do they get that from? That would be yours truly. I struggle with the same thing. And then, I hear myself when I tell them, “Your mistake doesn’t define you, but let it refine you.” Why do I say that to them, but I don’t believe it myself?
When you’re in the throes of parenting, you’re making mistakes along the way! It’s easy to suffer from low self-esteem when you focus on the mistakes. Instead, boost your self-esteem by staying focused on the end goal—”being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6.)
Boost Your Self-Esteem by Letting Go of These 5 Things
(5 Things That Don’t Define You, But Can Refine You)
- Your Past—
We’ve all made mistakes in our pasts, whether with our parenting, in our marriages, before we were married, in our walks with God, etc. The Bible is full of stories of people with checkered pasts. Paul, one of the greatest examples of a follower of Christ that we have, was once a Pharisee and a murderer of Christians. Paul allowed his past to be a part of who he was—the part that he learned from—but he didn’t stay stuck there. Instead, he started fresh and allowed his past to refine him.
He wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “But the Lord said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness’; therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Instead of dwelling on his past, Paul allowed the Lord to shine through his past. He used his story to say, “Hey! I have sinned worse than any of you…and God’s grace is enough for me!” I’m sure that Paul wasn’t thrilled to have to admit all of his sin, but he owned it; and he didn’t dwell on it. Instead, he gave God all the glory for the grace that saved him.
Friend, your mistakes are not too big for God. Don’t let them define you. Dwelling on them will only lower your self-esteem! Instead, keep your eyes on the positive changes and progress you’ve made! Woman! You have come through so much!
- Your Present—
Sometimes, we are living life day-to-day, just trying to keep the tiny humans alive. We’re going to handle things badly sometimes. You’re going to make mistakes with your toddlers, your teenagers, and everyone in between. What do you do when you make mistakes? Do you humbly ask for your child’s forgiveness when you do wrong? Do you learn from the mistake and do better next time?
I seem to make the most mistakes when I’m tired. If you’re living in the years of sleep-deprivation right now, you have to cut yourself some slack…actually, a lot of slack! Sleep-deprivation is so hard! And how you handle today does not define you forever!
In fact, how you handle your mistakes will speak louder to your children than being perfect would! No one remembers the family trips to a hotel that went smoothly, but EVERYONE remembers the camping trips when it took forever to set up the tent because the wind was blowing so hard, then, it rained overnight and the rain cover blew off. Why? Because memories are made in the imperfect seasons of life. See? That gives my self-esteem a boost because next time I am messing up royally, I can smile and say, “Don’t mind me! I’m just making memories over here!” (Yes, I’m kidding! Sort of.)
- Your Future—
It’s easy to think about how much better life is going to be in a different stage of life. Some days, I can’t wait until I’m an empty-nester! But wishing away the time I have now, will not help me be a better mom today…or tomorrow! Even if my future held success beyond measure at whatever I chose to do, my future would not define me!
My future cannot, in any way, define me now, but knowing that I have absolutely no guarantee of a future—of tomorrow—can refine me! Living today like it’s my last makes me focus on the things that really matter.
Now, it’s just to put that into practice. How easily we take for granted those we love, and how often we assume that we’ll have tomorrow with them.
- Money—
Money, whether you have it or not, does not, in any way, define you. We live in a world of complete excess. There are some people with loads of money, some with very little, some who want more, and some who give sacrificially and do with less by choice. A wise friend of mine once said, “Your children will not remember the places you went; they will remember the things you did together.”
I have also heard it said that, “Disney World is for parents who don’t eat meals with their kids to try to feel better about themselves.” Yes, that may seem harsh and is obviously a BROAD generalization (PLEASE know that I don’t think every parent who takes their children to Disney World is a bad parent and clearly trying to make up for wrongdoing!), but on some level, there is some truth in that.
Spend time with your children—your time and attention cost nothing. Money, or lack thereof, should not have anything to do with your self-confidence! In fact, if you’re living with very little, you should feel awesome about yourself for being able to make the ends meet on a shoestring! Changing your perspective can boost your self-esteem by a lot!
And please, please do not make your husband feel badly about the amount of money he brings home! Seriously. If you are staying at home with your children, put a whole lot of effort into to learning ways to cut expenses and budget better. Learning to budget, pay the bills, and live on less can be a full-time job. Your husband works hard to provide for the expenses; and you can contribute by working to keep expenses low. There are many free money management resources that you can learn from and gain a boost in self-esteem while you’re at it! Here is one of my favorite money blogs for all sorts of tips and tricks for managing your money!
The amount of money you have should not affect your self-esteem. Your worth cannot be measured monetarily!
- Your Children’s Behavior—
This one is tricky. The way your children behave affects your self-esteem as a parent. Your children’s behavior can directly reflect your parenting, especially if you’re a permissive parent. But children are born with their own will and they are also born into sin. We don’t teach these things! So, this is one of those situations in which we need to strike the perfect balance…easier said than done!
If your child is having a rough day, or a rough year, or a rough…several-year-stretch, it doesn’t define you. Your child’s behavior does not define you. You may think it does, but it truly doesn’t. Therefore, your self-confidence as a parent cannot be rooted in your children’s behavior…or you’ll have very little of it!
Your children’s behavior can refine you though. Often, the behavior we notice as negative in other people, is behavior that we are exhibiting ourselves. Nothing teaches me more about my own sin than watching my children sin! Thinking about how God is never done parenting me…and wondering how many times He has thrown up his hands not knowing what to do with me…definitely refines me!
Final thoughts on how to boost your self-esteem as a mom:
Allowing our mistakes to refine us, also reminds us to take the same approach in teaching our children. If we never made mistakes, we would never learn anything! So, you’ve made mistakes. I make them daily. If I allowed my self-esteem to be rooted in performance, I would never make it in this world! Instead of being defined by our mistakes, our goals, our jobs, our money, let us be refined by these things!
The refining process is difficult. Fire refines gold. Pressure refines diamonds. God gives us opportunities to be refined, but if we can’t get past being defined, we miss the opportunity. I know that so many days as a mom are spent getting through the mundane, feeling completely unappreciated, and often, bleary-eyed and smelling like baby barf. Survival is step one! But if you can remember that you are ONLY defined by your relationship with the Lord, the other moments can refine you.
God chose you for this job! He didn’t choose you like the last kid left in gym class, I guess I have to pick you…no. He designed and created you for such a time as this. You have His approval, so stop seeking others’ approval. Look in the mirror and see the truth! The true you…who was MADE TO BE A CONFIDENT MOM!
RElated: Get Rid Of Mom Guilt
