Recently, a mom asked a question in a forum that I’ve heard a lot: “What do I cook for my picky eaters?” The answers varied, but almost all of the answers revolved around just giving the child the control. While there are situations with eating in which I do believe that children should have the control, I was disappointed in the responses, because as a society, in general, I think too many parents have given their children too much of the control. Where is the balance? Do you really just need to accept that your child is a picky eater? (Trust me! Your child will be annoying to every other parent in the world!)
Other moms were telling this mom that she needs to cook three different meals for each of her children, or as one mom said, “Just stop cooking. I take each of my kids to the restaurant of their choice for take-out every night. It’s much easier.” Oh. Whoa! EASIER?!? No. There is A BETTER WAY! Please, if you’re in this situation, read on for the dos and don’ts you need to know to help your child say “goodbye” to picky eating for good! Or I’m serious. No one will ever invite your family over for a meal!
I have four children. None of them are picky eaters. BUT, it wasn’t always that way! Actually, our youngest daughter has really struggled with finding a healthy measure of control when it comes to eating and often used mealtime to assert her need for independence. (In other words, she picked a fight at every meal for…long enough.)
But now, mealtime is usually a great time of chatting, eating, and not even kidding, kids saying, “Thanks, Mom, for the delicious dinner!” I truly am not making this up! It really is possible!
What Not to do When Parenting a Picky Eater:
- Do not, in any way, shape, or form, become a short-order cook!
I’m sorry, but those other moms have it wrong. You do not need to cook different meals for each of your children. Honestly, I could not even believe there are moms doing this regularly! It gives me a headache thinking about it—all those dishes! All that time! I don’t know. Maybe they’re just making different frozen dinner entrees for their kids, but even that takes effort!
No. There may be a few battles that ensue along the way over this, but please believe me on this! It’s worth the investment of your energy because it will save you SO MUCH in the long run!
In our home, dinner is what is served and when it is served. Take it or leave it, but it won’t be available in an hour and an alternative will never be available. Seriously. Think back to the days when people worked sun-up to sun-down on farms. They did not have time to bring out a meal for Jimmy an hour after dinner time because he decided he was hungry now. No. Mealtime is mealtime—and like it or not, that’s real life. If your boss tells you to take your lunch break at noon, but you’re not hungry then, too bad! You either eat then, or you don’t eat! Life lessons that we don’t need to feel guilty about teaching our children!
If your child chooses not to eat what is served, that’s fine. But in our house, there is no snack if you didn’t eat your meal. Children don’t like to be hungry and they learn really quickly (less a few very stubborn children) to eat at mealtime!
- Do not resort to taking each child to their favorite restaurant for take-out!
I wish I knew this mom personally because honestly, I cannot even imagine this. Maybe it’s totally fine for her and she doesn’t mind. I honestly cringe at this thought (Probably because I hate leaving my house…especially for unnecessary things.) No joke, in the winter, I use every crumb we have before I head out to the grocery store. It’s COLD here!
But even if you don’t mind, what are you teaching your child? That complaining gets you a treat? And what happens if your child grows up, gets married, has children, and can’t afford take-out every night, but knows nothing different? Seriously, eating out is like a blood-sucker of finances! This is not a good option! Don’t reward your child’s negative behavior by schlepping him around from restaurant to restaurant every night! Your child is controlling your behavior instead of you teaching him to control his own.
- Do not allow mealtime to become a battleground for control every.single.night.
When you decide you need to rein in your picky eater, there will be battles, especially if that child has gotten away with being picky for a long time. Change is always difficult, especially when it’s being forced on you. Again, you must look at it as an investment. Put in the time and the energy to win the battle consistently, and the battles will subside. Sure! Your battles may not subside permanently, but they will gradually become fewer and further between.
The only way for any of this to work though, is to be consistent. You have to consistently win the battle, even if it means that your stubborn child goes to bed hungry. She won’t die from missing a meal! She won’t! If it becomes an issue and you’re truly concerned (because your child has skipped a couple of meals in a row now), make a meal you know she loves! It will be difficult to resist her favorite meal when she’s hungry! But keep the rule—this is what is served. Take it or leave it! The battles will become fewer when she sees that you are not moving the boundaries.
Now let’s talk about the things you should do.
What to do When Parenting a Picky Eater:
- Give your child control of portion sizes:
I rarely force my child to eat everything on his plate if I dished it up without his input. At this stage of the game, I rarely force my child to eat everything on his plate at all, because all of my children are good eaters, with the exception of our youngest, who does still struggle from time to time.
But when you are teaching your child, teach him about portions and allow him to decide how much of something he would like. If it’s nothing, and he doesn’t want to eat what you’ve made, then, okay, but remind him that the kitchen closes after mealtime and he will have to wait for the next meal.
- Allow your child some input in the menu:
This is a game-changer for picky eaters. If you’re struggling to get your picky child to eat, ask him to help plan the menu for the week. You can ask for input from each of your children. Each child can choose a meal of the week, of course, within reason. Explain to your child what makes a healthful meal and ask her to evaluate her favorite meals for their nutritional value.
A friend of mine, whose child is quite a picky eater, designated one night of the weekly menu for “Allie’s Choice.” She allowed her daughter to feel more in control over what she ate, by including her daughter in that choice, which is usually what it’s about!
- Teach your child to cook:
Our children start learning to cook when they are around six. (And no, we’re not talking microwaving!) Once they learn that cooking can be both fun, and a lot of work, it makes it easier for them to understand that you put a lot of work into the meal that is served. Our sons (and my husband) learned quickly that if they complained about the meal, the next meal was theirs to cook!
When your child knows how to cook a few meals, he or she may be more willing to try new recipes, especially, if you can include him in preparing the meal. Your child can tear lettuce for a salad; gather the ingredients; sautee vegetables; etc.
Also, try preparing food differently than normal. For example, boiled Brussel sprouts are just gross, but Brussel sprouts that are sautéed with butter, salt, and pepper taste a WHOLE lot better! (By the way, no kid ever died from NOT being served Brussel sprouts. My kids love them though!)
- Make mealtime fun!
Mealtime should be a good time of connecting as a family. Whenever you can, please, please make mealtime as a family a priority! When our children participated in a lot of activities and had social lives, (Pre-COVID) we made a rule that we needed to have a family meal at least four times per week. Even if it meant eating together at 8 pm, that family time to connect is important to the well-being of our family, and also important to a child’s development.
Some kids are so chatty, they forget to eat! To combat this, we take turns and usually have a specific question to answer; highlights (the high of the day, and an act of kindness or “being a light”); or a family gratitude journal.
Making mealtime a time to connect will help your child to build a healthy relationship with mealtime, and hopefully, food in general.
- Make trying new foods an adventure!
Toddlers, especially, are creatures of habit and comfort. Trying new things, whether it be going to a new class, making a new friend, or trying a new food, can be more difficult, psychologically, than we realize, as adults!
If you know that you are cooking something different for dinner, prepare your child for it! You can make adding new foods part of a comfortable routine. For example, you can name Wednesdays, “Wacky Wednesday” and it’s the day that you try something new for dinner!
You’re helping your child to step out of her comfort zone, while making it part of her routine. In her mind, it will become comfortable, even though she is trying something new.
You can make it adventurous by teaching your child something interesting about the meal. And allow your child to truly be adventurous by choosing condiments to try with it. Of course, if you are serving something spicy, you may want to add some sour cream, or ranch to offset the spice. But what if your child wants to try your Chinese stir-fry with ketchup? Let her! It’s an adventure! (Just remember to try it on one bite at a time instead of the whole plate!)
- Lead by example—
Set an example by trying new things with your child. Again, if she wants to try stir-fry with ketchup, it won’t kill you to try a bite too! That shows her that you’re up for trying new things too. Usually, if our children see us doing it, they will do it too!
My sweet son used to love to surprise me with breakfast in bed. He was around four or five at the time and he brought me some interesting breakfasts. He was adventurous! (No boring old bowls of cereal here!) One time, he brought me a bowl of rusty, mostly yellow lettuce, topped with cheese and ketchup, because he couldn’t find any salad dressing…and ketchup belongs on EVERYTHING when you’re five!
You better believe that I ate that breakfast! And in doing so, I showed him that I appreciated his thoughtfulness, and I followed my own rules. These are important moments when our children are watching that we don’t always think about!
- Set the timer—
Do not let mealtime take all day. This is my BIGGEST issue! My youngest daughter would sit at the table all day long…and I neither have the patience, or the flexibility in my schedule to allow for that. Set the timer for 30 minutes (give or take based on your family). Once the time is up, mealtime is over.
I know some parents who have used this trick, but then found that their child either refused to eat, or just didn’t ever clean his plate because he knew he wouldn’t have to if the timer went off. One mom combatted that saying, “Okay, but this is the next thing you eat.” So, she wrapped it up and heated that food up for breakfast the next day! Brilliant!
- Allow your child to be “full”—
If your child eats fairly well normally, then allow her to finish when she says she is full. We want our children to learn to listen to their bodies and to quit eating when they are full. This is a healthy eating habit!
But you know your child. You know how much he or she should be able to eat. So, keep that in mind when you are deciding whether or not your child should be done eating.
- Introduce babies to vegetables first—
I realize this doesn’t work with toddlers, but if you’re still adding babies to your family, this tip is for you! So often, we are encouraged to start with fruits when babies are starting to eat food, but my cousin’s pediatrician told her to start with vegetables!
Starting fruits first can develop your child’s taste buds to give preference to sweet foods, even more than they are naturally predisposed! Do ask your pediatrician about this, as sometimes vegetables can be more difficult to digest for babies, but my kids (you know, the ones who love Brussel sprouts) all ate vegetables first.
- Talk to your child—
Sometimes, there is a legitimate reason your child is a picky eater. Maybe he has an aversion to certain textures, or sometimes, sinus issues alter the sense of taste. In fact, according to this article about kids and picky eating by WebMD, picky eating can be a signal that your child is dealing with a more serious issue. Of course, be sensitive to this and talk to your child to try to get to the source of the issue. Remember these tips for communicating with your child, in order to have an effective conversation.
You can also teach your child to empathize by asking her, “If you made me a meal, and I said, ‘Yuck. I don’t like this.’ How would that make you feel?” Or, “If you invited a friend over for dinner, but she said, ‘No. I don’t like your food.’ What would you think?”
Kids just don’t always think about how they sound to others, or how their actions affect someone else without being encouraged to think about it. Teaching your child empathy may help her to think through things on a deeper level.
Final Thoughts for Saying Goodbye to Picky Eating
If you’re exhausted by mealtime because you’re cooking separate meals for each child, you’re doing it wrong. You absolutely need to stop creating more work for yourself by setting an expectation for your picky child to eat what is in front of her, and sticking with it, GUILT-FREE! It might be an investment of your time for a few weeks, but getting your child to say, “Goodbye” to picky eating will give you a return on investment that is worth the work!
And now that you’ve conquered picky eating, you can move on to getting your kids to clean-up!
