How do you know if what your child is going through is normal? When can you write off behavior as difficult, but normal without missing something more major underneath? How do you know when your child needs counseling?
I recently caught up with an old friend whom I haven’t seen for just too long. And after our dinner together, I realized I needed to be a better friend. She has gone through so much with her children and doesn’t have many people she can talk to about any of it, because her husband is a pastor in a small community, and people still: A. expect pastors’ families to be perfect; and B. gossip like crazy when they’re not!
Don’t get me wrong. I love small towns; however, this is a downfall that is common between pretty much all small towns, including hers and mine.
She amazed me as she told me that she brings two of her children to see a Christian counselor. Obviously, I’m not going to go into detail, but they are issues that some parents might just say are “normal, teenage issues.” So, I asked her, “How did you know your kids needed counseling?”
What she gave me was gold. In her specific situation, not all of these applied, but that’s important because it’s not an “if all of these apply” type of thing. If ONE of these apply, just take the plunge and call the counselor.
Warning Signs that Your Child Needs Counseling
- Trauma–
If your child has been through any kind of trauma and is having a hard time dealing with it on her own, she may need to see a counselor. This applies to boys too. In fact, often, I think we overlook boys’ emotional needs because they don’t typically talk about feelings a lot anyway.
I think back to when our foster son left and the trauma that caused my family. We didn’t have a lot of resources on dealing with grief for kids. I really couldn’t even find a book to help them work through! One of my friends had just lost her husband at that time and said the same thing about her daughter. She said, “There are all kinds of support groups and Bible studies for me, but nothing for her!”
I did my best to walk with them through their grief. However, in hindsight, maybe I should have looked harder to find a counselor who could have worked with them–at least the ones who were internalizing their grief.
Sometimes, when we think as adults, we forget what children’s brains are able to process, and what they aren’t. They need a lot of extra help working through the array of emotions that are a direct result of trauma.
If someone sexually abused your child, you would most likely assume he or she would need counseling to work through that. As adults, we know that nothing about the situation is the child’s fault, but that’s not necessarily how the child thinks. And especially not if the abuser has been grooming the child!
But what about a child who witnessed it? And couldn’t do anything to stop it. Or didn’t even try. That child actually probably needs more counseling than the immediate victim, and yet, often flies under the radar.
Not all traumas are BIG. Not all traumas are sexual abuse. There are some that may seem like “smaller” issues. A break-up, or a bullying incident, or a best friend moving away, for example. These are issues that a child experiencing normal brain development will probably handle just fine with some extra emotional support from their parents for a time.
However, not all children develop at the same rate and sometimes, their brains just are not developed to a point at which these things can be handled the same way as one of their peers might handle it. Just look at how your child is handling it! Does he seem to need help? Maybe your child seems to be handling it okay right now, but later, things show up. This happens! Don’t be afraid to seek counseling if something comes up!
- Addiction–
Of course, if you know your child is using drugs or alcohol or any other substance, he likely needs counseling. But addiction can take other forms. It could be drugs, alcohol, or other substances, electronics, and even dating.
Did you know that texting and video games have the same effect on the brain as heroine? In fact, researchers are calling personal devices “digital heroine” and “electronic cocaine.”
Have you noticed if your child is addicted to texting? Or video games? Or being online in general?
He may need counseling in order to break that addiction. You might think, “Isn’t every teen addicted to screens?” Well, first of all, no. Many parents work really hard to refuse this as “normal.” But more importantly, this is not a behavior that “goes away on its own.”
Likewise, some teenagers and young adults become addicted to dating. Falling in love has the same effect on the brain that using cocaine does! Be vigilant if your teenager is dating, falling hard, and then breaking up. It can become an addiction like anything else.
Your child may need help to break this addiction. Remember, addicts usually go for harder and harder things. If your child’s brain is being wired for addiction at a young age, there’s really no telling what he or she may get into to feed that habit later on in life.
- Uncontrollable Anger/ Violence–
You may see signs of uncontrolled anger and violence at a very young age, but it may seem minor at the time. There are many instances in which uncontrolled anger in children is very normal, and wouldn’t constitute the need for counseling, as much as just more focus on developing coping tools.
Most of the time, your children just need parenting–not counseling.
But as your child gets older and physically larger, uncontrolled anger can become out of control and is definitely not okay!
There are definitely other things to try before you decide your child needs counseling. But if you’ve tried providing a punching bag, or some other type of physical sport in order to provide healthy ways for your child to deal with his anger or aggression and nothing is working, it’s probably time to try counseling.
- If You Ever Feel Unsafe, (Or if you worry your child may be unsafe)–
I think this one may go without saying, but if you ever feel unsafe in your home because of your child’s behaviors, don’t make excuses for it. Call a counselor! Your child needs help and there is no shame in that!
As parents, we know our children pretty well most of the time and it might be easy to make excuses like, “Well, she is just going through a terrible breakup,” or “He is having a really hard time dealing with ______.”
Those things might be true! But if you, or your other children feel unsafe in the home, then your child needs to learn some safe, healthy ways to cope with those types of difficult situations.
Sometimes, your safety or your family’s safety is compromised, but more often, the safety of our struggling child compromised. If you think your child may harm himself, he needs help (and you probably do too!)
Like any type of illness, the earlier you catch it, the better the chance you can control it and even cure it. I have several friends who have said, “I just wish I would have seen it when it was a small issue.”
- She just isn’t “herself”–
This was the absolute gold that my friend gave me. Some of her daughters’ behaviors could have easily been written off as “teenage behavior,” so I asked her, “How did you know?” and she replied, “I just saw her becoming less and less recognizable as the daughter I have loved all these years.”
She explained to me that all of her daughter’s characteristics that just made her “her” for as long as she had known her, just started to slip away. She couldn’t really see any different, or odd behaviors, but she just knew that something wasn’t right.
In the end, she found out that her daughter was acting out in many ways, but keeping them so well-hidden that even when her mom was looking for things, she wasn’t finding them.
Another friend of mine said the same thing about her own daughter. Unfortunately, my friend figured out what was happening in her daughter’s life too late and she is now an adult and out of her grasp.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and my friend has wept more tears than could ever be counted for her daughter. But there is hope in the promises of the Lord and we pray that He will teach my friend’s child and be her God…just as we pray this for all of our children!
Final Thoughts on How to Know if Your Child Needs Counseling
Most likely the most important thing in all of this is that if your child needs counseling, this is not a blow to your pride, or your child’s pride. It does not mean there is something wrong with your child. It simply means that you need some back-up in teaching your child.
I know some parents who are very possessive of the role they play in their children’s lives, meaning, they don’t want their children talking to anyone else. Some take such offense and are hurt deeply if their children talk to someone other than them.
In these cases, often children are forced to just try to deal with issues on their own. When parenting, try to provide your child with five other Christian adults that he could go to with an issue. Do not make them feel guilty, but instead, encourage them that if they ever feel they cannot come to you with an issue, to go to a trusted adult!
If they need counseling, they need counseling!
I was in a Bible study once in which we were discussing marriage and how difficult it can be. One gal said, “It’s so hard in a small town. Even if you attend a ‘marriage enrichment’ event or Bible study, people assume you’re having trouble. How much more difficult it is to attend marriage counseling if you are truly struggling!”
I spoke up, saying boldly, “I am SO PROUD that my husband and I attended marriage counseling! If you think people might talk about you because you go to counseling, how much more will they talk if you get divorced!”
I’m not kidding. The room was silent and all of the women just stared at me. But weeks later, one of those women came to me and said, “I need to thank you for speaking up. I have never been in a Bible study where anyone had the courage to say something like that.”
Can you imagine?! We are so prideful that we don’t want anyone to know that marriage is hard? Guess what! EVERYONE who is married KNOWS that marriage is hard! Why pretend it’s not?
In the same way, EVERYONE in the world knows that it’s difficult to be a teenager! In fact, I think the world we live in makes it difficult to be a kid too! We don’t need to pretend that our children don’t have struggles. We all have struggles.
Seeing a counselor just means that life is difficult and you are willing to learn so you can do better. Don’t ignore the signs because it might look like you’re not doing things well as a parent.
We can put up banners on social media about “Suicide Awareness” and “Changing the Stigma Surrounding Mental Health” all we want. If we are not willing to start with ourselves and our children, and recognize when our children need counseling and then seek it, nothing will ever change.
