Okay y’all…it’s about to get REEE-al up in here! (For those of you who are wondering…I really do talk like this, even though I have no authentic accent. I just like to keep my kids laughing!) Seriously, I am about to share one of my biggest struggles in parenting, and also the fact that I was completely unaware it was even an issue, much less a struggle! Making respect an idol. Ugh.
I actually was only recently made aware of the fact that this was even a thing after reading Your Teenager is Not Crazy by Dr. Jeramy and Jerusha Clark. (I highly recommend this book if you are raising teenagers! And it’s on sale for $2.99 right now–$2.99!!) Can you make respect into an idol?
Now, I might know what you’re thinking because it might be what my initial thought was when I heard this. Respect is necessary and should be expected! It is neither too much to ask of our teenagers, nor is it frivolous. Those are the things that I was thinking when I heard these two speaking on this topic. I braced myself for another, “Don’t rock the boat” parenting lecture about how children shouldn’t be expected to do anything they don’t want to do.
I am so grateful that I was WRONG! No. The Clarks make it very clear that respect is a reasonable expectation of teenagers and that parents ought to be shown respect and have the right to discipline if they are not shown the appropriate level of respect.
However, they caution parents against allowing respect to become the end-all-be-all. If your child disrespects you, it needs to be forgivable. It needs to not be taken as personally as it feels in that moment. It is not the Cardinal sin!
I struggle with making respect an idol in some ways because I grew up well…maybe differently than most people. My parents were respectable people. My dad was gentle, but firm on the rules and consistent with the discipline. We knew not to mess with him. More importantly, we knew that if we messed with our mom, Dad would be quick to discipline. No one messes with his wife! (What an amazing testimony their marriage is!) My dad commanded respect and disrespect was a big deal in our home.
I believed then that it was because my parents were doing something so right that my brothers and I showed them as much respect as we did.
WRONG! I mean…partially wrong. First of all, when I really reflect on my teenage years, I was PLENTY disrespectful. There was no inkling of perfect Patti here! My brothers had plenty of moments as well. My mom will also be the first one to remind me that she had much different children than I do. We just weren’t boundary bumpers. At the time, she thought it was because she was doing something right (and in fairness, my parents are the BEST examples I could have ever asked for when it comes to doing things right!), but now, she believes it had little to do with her parenting, and much more to do with the personalities of her children.
Maybe she’s right. But either way, the point is that my parents have also been disrespected…by all of their children.
In any case, for many years, I thought that if I was consistent in my expectations and consistent with discipline when the expectations weren’t met, my children would be respectful.
I know. Rookie mistake!
The Clarks challenged my thinking on respect. Children and teenagers can and should be expected to show respect and there should be consequences when that doesn’t happen. But when there is a lack of respect, don’t blow it out of proportion. Keep it in perspective as sin that needs to be dealt with and move on.
It made me think about this idea of respect becoming an idol and how that can happen with more than just our teenagers!
5 Situations When Respect Can Become an Idol:
- With Your Spouse—
I have seen many marriages in which respect has become an idol. Typically, men desire respect more and women desire to be shown love more. I definitely desire both! I have never been a doormat, nor do I ever plan to become one. And when my husband shows respect for my contribution, it is showing love to me.
But I remember my friend saying, “I just hate how my dad has squelched my mom. She has so much to offer and no opportunity to offer it.” She was talking about how her mom just had to “fall in line” in order to avoid conflict with her dad. My friend believes that her mom did it out of respect for her dad, but maybe her dad had made respect an idol. (I don’t know his heart though!)
- With Your Teenager—
This one is, in my opinion, when it happens the most. I’m also going out on a limb here to say that I think it happens most often between either fathers and sons, or mothers and daughters. I say that because, first of all, my teenage son does not disrespect me the way he disrespects his dad…and as a teenager, I never disrespected my dad the way I disrespected my mom!
I think it’s because of the competitive factor between two people of the same gender. Teenagers are working hard to assert themselves as adults. In their minds, they have become our peers because they are adults just like we are (or very close!) However, they fail to recognize the parent-child authoritative relationship, or think that should just disappear because they are becoming adults. (Note: The parent-child authoritative relationship does need to dissipate once your children ARE adults though!) This is where the conflict starts brewing!
Try to show your teenager some respect—that’s probably all he or she is looking for in many ways. Instead of having to take respect away from you in order to give it to himself or herself, there’s enough to go around!
- With Your Toddler—
Remember that toddlers and teenagers are strikingly similar when it comes to brain development. Your toddler is asserting independence in the same way your teen is; but simply on a lesser level. Respect can become an idol in this relationship as well. However, it may look a little bit different.
Toddlers don’t completely understand the concept of respect. They mimic what they hear either from other peers, siblings, or media sources.
Because of this, be careful what you allow your child to read and watch! When my daughter was two, someone recommended the Pinkalicious books to us. That book went straight into the garbage after I read it to her and looked at the pictures of this little girl sticking her tongue out at her dad when he tells her, “no.”
Be careful about television shows or movies that maybe are clean, but include disrespect! Your toddler is watching and mimicking each action they have seen.
Of course, like any other stage of development, toddlers might choose to disrespect their parents! But don’t make it the end of the world. Instead, teach your child the right way to handle the situation.
- With Your Adult Children—
This is a big one for me! I have watched people throw their relationships with their adult children down the drain because of making respect an idol. Once your child is grown and out on his own, obedience no longer correlates with respect.
You must understand that! Parents who are making respect an idol often use the concept of respecting and honoring your parents to control and manipulate. This is not okay! Do not make respect an idol with your adult child—and most importantly, recognize that his making his own decisions, in no way, shows disrespect to you!
- With Society—
We live in a society that, in general, does not show respect to one another. I think there are a lot of factors that play into this and each person has a different story; but the bottom line is that if you make respect the end-all-be-all in society, you will become just like the people you dislike. We all know the people—those who are so worried about making sure others show them respect, but in the process, show no one else any!
We’ve all worked for the power-hungry boss bent on making sure everyone shows him respect even though no one actually has any respect for him. We all know the people—the doctor who constantly speaks to the nurses as though they are her personal assistants and know nothing and should be seen and not heard; the person who says, “Listen!”, but never listens to someone else; the one who lies about others in order to make himself look better.
Each of these illustrates an unhealthy relationship with respect.
Instead of making respect an idol, so much that you demand it from others, try earning respect by showing respect. This goes a long way in society. And though it’s important to remember that you don’t owe your teenager respect, showing respect to your teenager, whether he or she deserves it or not, actually can go a long way in developing your relationship–and usually, parents need to take the first step!
RElated: Respect Your Teenager?
