I have a child with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD/ADHD). My husband also has it. I’m not going to lie—it’s tricky. And there is definitely still a stigma that goes along with it. However, my husband wants others to realize how much better life can be, if they’ll just be evaluated for the issue. This is why he opens up about it. I’m really proud of him for that! As the other person in the ADD/ADHD equation, I want to offer encouragement for those living with ADD/ADHD.
In any case, people with ADD/ADHD usually need many reminders, which can be exhausting. Usually, my husband and I do not track with our thoughts and to me, his thought pattern seems completely illogical! Sometimes, I forget, though, that these differences are glaringly apparent to people with ADD/ADHD too.
Today, when I tried to leave for an appointment, I realized quickly that my husband had taken the keys to my vehicle by accident. I borrowed my mom’s car because I was now pressed for time, not to mention frustrated and stressed! (Seriously! My mom STILL has to bail me out! So. Humbling.) I told my oldest son to e-mail my husband and ask him where the keys were. I headed to the town he works in for my appointment, thinking we could meet. Then, he could hand over the keys so I would have my vehicle the rest of the day.
I tried to get ahold of him at work to meet me with the keys and he would not ANSWER THE PHONE!! You guys have all been there, right? When you’re trying to get a hold of someone in a hurry and they DO NOT PICK UP?!? So frustrating!!
Finally, I left town. I didn’t get a hold of him or my keys…and then, I MET HIM ON THE ROAD! It turned out that when he realized that he had my keys, he completely forgot that I was coming to town and instead, took an hour off work to drive the keys home! My blood was boiling just a little at this point!
I circled around and followed him back to work. When I asked, “What are you doing? Where have you been?” He said, “I drove home with the keys as soon as I realized I had them!” By the time I got home, he had already e-mailed me to apologize for not calling me first and for acting so impulsively.
Sometimes, I need a reminder of what my husband deals with daily. I have dealt with chronic illness for many years. Often, he comes home to find me half-dead on the couch while the kids run around making messes. My body doesn’t work like it should and he has to understand that. But I forget that sometimes, his mind doesn’t work like it should too. And this is the same for my child who deals with ADD daily. Maybe they both need some encouragement for living with their ADD/ADHD!
So, on the flip side of that, wasn’t it admirable that his FIRST impulsive thought was, “I need to get my wife her keys!”? He could have been a total jerk and said, “Oh well. Deal with it.” Instead, he owned the fact that he had taken them by mistake and delivered them to my door. Yes, he needed a reminder of this invention called the telephone that would have saved time, gas, money, and frustration, but what initially was a frustrating decision based on impulse turned out to be an endearing gesture of taking care of his wife.
Here’s the thing. People with ADD or ADHD need a lot of reminders! It can be exhausting; but one thing I’ve learned is that it’s completely exhausting and frustrating for them too! They will beat themselves up over these things whether or not we ever say a word about it. So, maybe we need to offer encouragement for those living with ADD/ADHD, instead of being quick to criticize.
Five Reminders for People with ADD/ADHD:
- You are a gift!–
You challenge me to see people differently and to have more compassion for hidden struggles. I am so thankful for you!
- You are smart!–
They may not always be incredibly well-rounded, but typically, people with ADD or ADHD are seriously knowledgeable in areas that interest them! This is because of the “hyper-focus” aspect of ADD/ADHD. My friend’s son learned everything there was to know about Christmas lights! Another guy has studied every survival manual there is—he’s the guy that you want to be stranded on a desert island with, hands down!
- Your thorn is just different than mine—
Just as I suffer from chronic illness and fatigue, causing my body to shut down when it hits its breaking point, people with ADD/ADHD suffer from chronic illness that causes their brains to crash when they are exhausted. We all have thorns. Everyone has their own struggles. We are maybe more alike than we realize sometimes!
- God looks at the heart, we should too—
It felt like my husband’s head was in the clouds today. His actions did not make even a tiny bit of sense to me. But when I understood his motives, his heart was remarkably selfless. Recognize that!
- You are so much more than your performance—
We judge kids and teens on their performances in the form of grades every day in school. Adults get it in the form of their yearly performance reviews. Moms get it whenever their children misbehave—albeit mostly silent judgement.
People with ADD/ADHD sometimes need an extra reminder that they are more than a performance, especially when it comes to grades in school. I accepted a long time ago that my child maybe wouldn’t be Valedictorian (though I believe he could be if he wanted to be!). He’s not “studious.” He’s a learner, but not a “studier.” He is so much more than an “A” or a “B” and I absolutely hate when he feels less than because he didn’t score well on a test.
There are no tests for thinking outside the box—because people who think inside the box are the people who write tests. But really, would you rather bring your car to someone who has actually fixed a car, or someone who has studied how to?
Living with a person who has ADD/ADHD can really wear you down sometimes, but imagine what it’s like for them to live with it inside their own minds every day. They get exhausted and frustrated too. It’s incredibly important that we build them up and try to understand the “why” behind their actions. Maybe our minds don’t immediately go the same direction as theirs, but more often than not, their motives are not to frustrate! Offer encouragement for those you love who are living with ADD/ADHD. Remind them of who they are in Christ—and in doing so, you’ll remind yourself too!
RElated: How to Stop Seeking Approval
