I recently asked a group of moms, “What is your biggest issue right now?” None of the moms answered. I then asked their husbands. Several of them, replied, “I want my child to sleep in his/her own bed!” Oh boy! My heart immediately went out to these tired moms (and their husbands!) because I know that if I had kids in my bed, I would not get anything but a few hours of worthless sleep!
Dear friend, if this is you, please read this next paragraph. When you are in the throes of parenting, there are some things that you do to avoid a tantrum and for survival. I get it. We all have something. But allowing your child to sleep with you should never be one of them! (Seriously, though, no shame if that’s where you are! Keep reading for hope!)
Why? Because it keeps you in a vicious cycle of being too tired to solve the problem so you just let your kid back in your bed in hopes of not dealing with a tantrum so loud it wakes the rest of the household. Or maybe just with a wing and a prayer that you might not get kicked all night and you can get a few minutes of rest.
When you remain in this constant state of exhaustion long enough, you half-adjust and think it just goes with the territory of being a mom. And then the worst thing happens…you forget that it CAN be better!
If there was only one thing I could tell new parents, I think it would be, “Don’t let your child sleep with you!” Because it’s like sugar or caffeine. It’s possibly not the worst thing in the world for you, but you’ll be a lot healthier if you just never go down that road.
Of course, there are occasional circumstances that allowing your child in bed with you might be okay. For example, maybe there is a major storm that is keeping your child awake, or your child needs some extra comfort because of something traumatic that has happened. Of course! Be the mom you feel you should be in those circumstances!
We all want to make our children feel safe, loved, and comforted. But if your child is just not willing to sleep in his or her own room because of fear, or just because he has gotten comfortable in your king-sized bed, it’s time! It’s time to invest the time it takes and get that kid out of your bed!
By the way, I haven’t met a husband yet who hasn’t been grateful for this advice. (That doesn’t mean they’re not out there! We all know that sometimes it’s the husbands who are the softest when it comes to letting kids in the bed! Those husbands who can snore their way through anything…while we get kicked, smacked, and drooled on!)
So…where do you start?
How to Finally Get Your Toddler Out of Your Bed
- Prepare your child’s brain–
First and foremost, and most often skipped, is to prepare your child’s brain for this big step! Most children (definitely not all!) will respond very well if you present this as a “growing up” ceremony.
I know this may sound silly, but when it works, you won’t be laughing!
Don’t just spring this on your child. If your child is in the habit of sleeping with you, you will most likely not be able to say, “Okay, tonight you sleep in your bed.” and that’s the end of the story–issue resolved.
Obviously, that does not work or you wouldn’t be here, reading this.
Instead, talk to your child. Explain to your child how you’ve noticed how big she is growing and how she can do so many things for herself. Then, explain that part of growing up is getting to sleep in your own bed!
This conversation might go like this:
“Sweetheart, I have noticed how big you’ve grown! You can do so many things all by yourself now. What are some things you can do all by yourself?”
Allow your child to answer and add anything you’ve noticed too.
“Do you know what else you get to do now that you’ve grown so much?”
“You get to start sleeping in your own bed!”
Your child might not like to hear this and that’s okay. You can ask your child to tell you about those feelings he or she may have and talk through those concerns.
Make a BIG DEAL about this! (As in, talk about it a lot and build up some excitement!) Choose a date on the calendar with your child and circle it. Plan a small “ceremony” for that day. Keep it simple…I REPEAT…SIMPLE! You might just say, “This is going to be a special day. What would you like to have for dinner?” Or you could choose a new pair of jammies together for his or her big night. You also don’t want to go overboard, creating pressure.
Preparing your child’s brain and building some excitement around this is, most often, the first step toward success. Without it, none of the other steps will work.
- Offer Incentive–
My children had trouble staying in bed after we put them to bed. They were getting up multiple times to get drinks of water, go to the bathroom, ask questions that didn’t even make sense…ANYTHING to get up! So.annoying.
But the trick that worked with all of them was to offer a small incentive.
Some parents like to put a star on a sticker chart (You can easily create one in Canva) for kids every day and at the end of the week, there is a small reward for getting all stars or something like that. If that works for you, go for it!
But that never worked for us for two reasons:
- I was too tired to make sure I had all the stickers and the chart and the consistency to put the stickers on, etc.
- My kids needed instant gratification. Waiting all week and trying to be perfect for a whole week was just too long for them. It didn’t set them up for success because it wasn’t reasonable to ask a toddler to think about the big picture. Toddlers need the right-in-front-of-your-face-NOW picture.
There is an incentive system that did work–and it worked like a dream! Two weeks of it and we haven’t had a problem since…
The money system. I’m cheap and I don’t like over-rewarding my children for doing what ought to be expected of them. So, each night, I gave my kids five dimes. (You could do four quarters, or whatever unit of money you choose.) They were allowed to get out of bed, but each time they did, it cost them one of their dimes.
It was money that was already theirs–instant gratification–and they could choose whether or not they wanted to give it up.
Kids don’t really want to “give back” money. (If they do, they might have access to too much of it.) It probably cost me around $5 per kid, by the time we subtracted the dimes they did choose to give us, but it was well worth it!
- Be Consistent–
Of course, like anything, consistency is key! Once you make this plan, have the ceremony, and give the incentive, you must stick with it. And there is really no grace with this. It’s just a solid, “Nope. Remember, you’re big now!” (It’s okay. Your kids need to hear the word, “No.”)
It might break your heart a few times, but you have to remember that it’s not only better this way for you, it is better this way for your child too. Why?
After you have made a big deal about your child being old enough and mature enough to handle this, going back on your word and letting your child back in your bed, sends your child the message, “Oh. I guess you couldn’t handle it.”
Your child needs to see and know that you still believe in her! “Nope, you’re big. I know you can do this.”
- Offer support–
Showing your child that you have confidence in his or her ability to handle sleeping separately is definitely one of the keys to success. However, you may need to offer support to a child who is struggling with it.
I’m sure you’ve seen the other processes that include gradually getting your child comfortable in his own bed. First, you might lie down in your child’s bed with him. The next night, you might sit by your child. Then, you might sit at the end of the bed, but away from your child. Finally, you move to sitting by the door, or right outside the door until your child is comfortable going to sleep without you.
I honestly have never used this method, but it does work for some kids. It doesn’t really matter how you do it. Maybe the support your child needs is checking the closet and under the bed for monsters. Some people swear by giving their child “Monster spray” (which is just water in a spray bottle) so that they feel they have some sort of recourse if a monster pops out.
Whatever the case may be, it is important to offer compassion and some support for your child during this transition.
Remember: if you allowed your child in your bed in the first place, you don’t really get to be mad if the transition takes longer than you want. Sometimes, it’s really frustrating having to undo the mistakes we’ve made, but it’s not really our children’s faults!
- If you must–
If you are absolutely not getting anywhere and completely out of ideas and drained of any inkling of energy left, don’t give into temptation and let your child back in bed! DO.NOT.DO.IT! You will be back at Square One.
However, if you absolutely must, you could allow your child to make a bed on the floor in your room next to the bed.
Once in a while, our kids have done this if, for some reason, they were legitimately scared (like if their older brother kindly told them a scary story before bed, or there was a major thunderstorm happening), or if they’re not feeling well, etc.
If your child is still having a hard time making the adjustment to sleeping in his or her bedroom, this is a last-resort middle ground that will at least get you one step closer to the big-girl bed.
I don’t recommend moving your child to sleep on a couch, or something like that though, as you will just be exchanging one bad habit for another.
Final Thoughts on Getting Your Kids into Their Own Beds
There are many moms who don’t have a problem with having kids in their beds. Some believe it’s a good way to bond, while others sleep fine and don’t think it’s worth the battle to get their kids out. I guess to each his own. However, I would caution that there are more people that are affected in this situation, including your child and your husband. At least figure out if it’s okay with everyone involved and whether or not it’s affecting your marriage negatively.
I suspect that’s not you, if you’re here, trying to figure out how to get your child out of your bed.
Maybe you’re desperate and you feel like you’ve tried everything. It’s okay. Just give it time. Remember that if you’ve allowed your sweet child to sleep with you for longer than a few nights, it might take longer than a few nights to break the habit too.
Stay with it, Mom! You can do this! It’s an investment with one of the biggest returns. More sleep. Better rest. More independent child. Happier Husband. If that’s not enough, let me ask you, “How will you life be different if you got your bed back?” With a little bit of diligence, you can get there!
