I get asked this question all the time: “How do I get my kids to listen to me?” If you can relate, you probably can imagine the exasperation in the voices of the moms who ask me this! And before you keep reading, I need you to understand that I have children who don’t always listen and obey too. You will always get honesty here!
However, over the years, I have had a theory and with the help of my lovely children, I have put that theory to the test and proven it.
There is really only one secret to getting your kids to listen. One secret sauce.
Now, please know that the secret sauce is not a full miracle worker. There will still be children who push their parents to the very edge of the cliff because some children were just born for a challenge, but this secret helps those children THE MOST!
Are you curious yet?
Well, I know you’re busy and your time is valuable so I’m not about to stuff this with garbage to build suspense.
The secret to getting your kids to listen to you is consistency!
I know. That’s not what you wanted to hear because consistency requires more discipline of ourselves than it does of our children. I definitely wish there were a magic spray, but I’m fresh out of magic beans and unicorns.
Instead, we have to work on ourselves, in order to work on our children. We have to set the example by having the self-discipline to deal with our inconsistencies, laziness, and then, we can stop yelling at our kids and get them to listen.
How to Get Kids to Listen:
- Be Consistent!
Once you believe me and see that consistency is the secret, you’ve got to actually be consistent! Believe me. This is far more easily said than done!
Do you know why? Because children are inconsistent.
One minute, you might tell your child, “No,” and he will say, “Okay.” It’s no big deal. Later the very same day, you might tell your child, “No,” and he will start to cry. The next time you tell your child, “No,” he might kick and scream and throw a fit. You just never know what you’re going to get!
When your child’s actions are inconsistent, it is far more difficult to respond with consistency, but it’s more important than ever at that point!
It takes more self-discipline to remain consistent when responding to your child, than anything else! I know! That totally stinks!
Being consistent takes so much discipline on our own parts that it’s definitely not fair. Well, as you probably say to your children frequently, “Life’s not fair.” Don’t forget that parenting is just as much about refining us as it is about shaping our children.
And just like all good habits that require self-discipline, if you remain consistent in your response to your child’s behavior for even just a couple of weeks, your child will catch on and know what to expect. Children push a lot less when they know that no matter what, the boundaries will not change.
- Be Persistent–
A mom told me yesterday, “It’s so hard because he will just sit and whine outside my office door while I am working until he gets his way.”
Oh, mama! I hear you! I have all the sympathy in the world for you. But long ago, when I was really just beginning my parenting journey, a woman with children a bit older than mine told me, “Sometimes, you have to do what allows you to survive. But it’s always better if you can invest the time to correct the behavior right away!”
Such loving words that made me feel far less guilty about giving my son a cup of milk when he woke up in the night, even though every parenting article there was filled me with fear that his teeth would be rotten! (By the way, he’s sixteen years old and has only ever had one filling!)
And yet, there was also truth in those words. There are so many things that we face when we are raising children that need consistent time and attention…and our very own PERSISTENCE!
Sometimes, you have to bite down hard and say, “You’re not going to get your way today.” Because it will truly only take a few major battles (a few more with strong-willed children) to show your child that you are the boss and he will need to play by your rules. End of story.
The fact is that you get what you tolerate–in life and most certainly when raising children! The boy I was speaking of earlier–he knows that if he whines long enough, his mom will give him what he wants. . And guess what! Whining isn’t hard!
I think that too many people have given into their children’s persistent whining…and what does our nation have to show for it? Well, we are pretty much watching an entire generation of whiners get their way at the expense of the country–and those of us who had persistent parents!
- Don’t Give Warnings-
Did you know that one warning is enough for children as young as four? I usually like to try parenting positively first. That is, “You may be kind to your sister, or you will have a consequence.” This way, your child knows what type of behavior is expected and appropriate.
But some kids only respond to firmness. For example, my youngest daughter’s second language is English so for her, I need to say, “Please stop pinching your sister or you will have to do her chores for her (an act of kindness in return for unkindness). I will not speak to you about this again.”
My children know that I mean business and sometimes, they choose to have discipline! I have two children who would rather fight to the very end just to see if there’s a chance of breaking me this time and they’ll take all the consequences in the world just for that chance!
It hasn’t happened yet. They have broken me. But they have never known it! If you are raising a strong-willed child, you absolutely MUST dig deep and find your strong-will! Persistence is absolutely everything with them!
- Discipline When Necessary–
Consistent discipline can also be difficult, especially with two parents and two different attitudes about disciplines that match the offense. This is something my husband and I definitely struggled with. He came from a home in which there were only a couple of different consequences, no matter what the offense was–and they were not consistently applied.
One day, he could get away with something, while the next day, he would end up being disciplined for it.
This is pretty normal and we all do this to some degree naturally. There are days when I have far more patience and can ignore some things. Then, there are other days that everything under the sun irritates me and I’m constantly barking at my kids!
I am totally human. And did I mention, completely imperfect?
We have to work hard to become responsive instead of reactive. When consequences vary, and discipline is inconsistent, chances are we are acting in a reactive way. Instead of responding to the child and teaching to the behavior, we react to the behavior and take it out on the child.
It’s normal. But we don’t need to accept it!
Something that helped both my husband and I to become more consistent was to implement a discipline chart. It was a game-changer! We sat down together and listed the most common misbehaviors of our children. Then, we listed a Bible verse that addresses the sin and after that, a consequence that we both agreed fit the crime.
Then, when our children were misbehaving, we literally could say, “Oh, that’s not acceptable! Please go read the discipline chart and tell me what your consequence is.”
No more guessing for our children. They didn’t have to guess, “Hmmm…is Mom in a good mood? Or will I get Dad’s consequences?” It also removed every ounce of temptation for them to come to me and say, “Mom! Dad’s being unreasonable!” or “But Dad!” etc.
No guesswork. No reason for backtalk. And most importantly, our children were no longer dividing my husband and me! Serious. Game-changer! (Also good for teenagers!)
- Don’t Make Excuses–
I have heard all the excuses in the book why parents are not consistent with their children. One mom said, “I think that your culture is better at this than mine.” (She is from a different country.) Another mom said, “Well, I’m just not a stubborn person.” I’ve also heard, “I want my kids to like me!” “I just can’t handle being the bad guy.” and “I was just born a reactive person.”
Nope. I’m not buying ANY of these! The real reason we are not consistent is because it is WORK! And it’s the kind of work that comes with zero pay, and zero recognition. But it does come with GREAT reward!
When your children actually respond to you and know that you’re the boss, and you don’t have to spend time explaining to their teachers why they are not listening in school, it is very rewarding.
I need you to know, though, that this work is unending! You have to be consistent and persistent in your own growth in order to help your children grow. But let me tell you, there will be moments along the way, when you will see that your hard work is paying off.
Last week, at our AWANA program, a seven-year-old girl was teaching her four-year-old brother to say, “John 3:16.” I could only wish their mom had been there to see it because it was one of those beautiful moments that says, “Your hard work is paying off, Mom!”
Final Thoughts on Getting Your Children to Listen to You
I didn’t address it, but yelling only works if you rarely do it. Growing up, my dad pretty much never yelled, but if he did, we knew that something was very, very wrong.
On the other hand, I have seen parents yell at their kids so often their children don’t even hear that they’re yelling. I’m pretty sure I have been that parent at times!
Instead, as we discussed, speak to the child about the appropriate behavior, and then give the consequence immediately, if necessary. No yelling. Just consequences. No excuses. Just consistency.
