I just listened to one of my favorite speakers and child experts, Dr. Kathy Koch. If you’ve never heard her, or read any of her books, now is the time to check out her work! As she was speaking about how we can help children see their purposes in life, she debunked one of the greatest lies we have bought into as humans–”You can be anything you want to be.” In fact, according to Dr. Koch, this may very well be one of the most damaging lies we tell our children!
It struck a chord with me because I once bought into the same lie…but God, in all His glory, gave me a natural-born fighter for a son! When my oldest son was nearly three years old, I told him that lie. “You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.”
His reply: “No, I can’t!”
“Of course you can! As long as you are willing to work hard, you can be whatever you want to be!”
He defiantly replied, “Okay, then I’ll be a tractor.”
And his case was rested. And I had lost.
From then on, I told my children that they could be whatever God wanted them to be when they grow up.
I truly had no idea, at the time, that God was using my two-year-old lawyer son to save me from making a parenting mistake, but hindsight is 20/20! But until I listed to Dr. Koch, I also didn’t realize that in saying this, I am helping my children discover God’s purpose for their lives!
Of course, as parents, we have good intentions. We just want our children to know that we believe in their abilities and we don’t want to put limitations on them. Maybe we’ve seen too many movies in which the child feels the pressure to take over the family business, or follow in a parent’s career footsteps.
And so, as the story goes, we swing the pendulum to the extreme in the opposite direction.
So, why is this a lie?
In telling our children they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up, we deny our Creator. The truth is that God designed your child with a plan and a purpose. Our job is not to encourage our children to decide what their purpose is. No. Our job is to help our children figure out God’s purpose for their lives.
Teaching our children to use the gifts and strengths God has given them, so they can fulfill the purpose He designed them for, has far more valuable effects than teaching them that big, tall people can be horse jockeys!
A few years ago, my husband took our oldest son on a mission trip to Nepal. At the time, our son was…well, there’s no other way to say it…LA–ZY! My husband and I prayed about a mission trip for him and we thought a perfect trip would be one in which he got to help with a building project.
If he could help build a home for someone; or rebuild a church; work on a school, etc., he would see the reward in hard work, and of course, it would be life-changing!
But as we prayed about building mission trips, doors kept closing. There just simply were no trips that were working out. And then, out of the blue, the director of a Youth With A Mission (YWAM) ministry responded to one of our inquiry forms with this message: “We are currently not doing any building projects, but we run a daycare ministry in our village for the poor and we could really use some help!”
In case I haven’t mentioned it before, my son is the favorite babysitter of a couple of families because he loves to play and roughhouse with their sons!
Whoa. God taught me a big lesson!
God designed my son to love children and to love playing with them, because God knew that this ministry would need my son’s help at this particular moment. He was created for such a time as this!
So, how can we help kids find their purpose?
First of all, you have to recognize the power you have as a parent! Then, reiterate to your child that God designed him or her with a purpose. He knit us together in our mothers’ wombs. As Dr. Koch explained, “Knitting takes a lot of planning. The knitter chooses the weight and color of the yarn before the project, and the knitter better know whether she’s knitting a sweater or a scarf before starting the project!”
God has it all planned, before we are even born. Just let that sink in for a moment.
- Take inventory of your child’s strengths–
This goes beyond the normal question of “What is your child good at?” Instead, look at all of her strengths: Maybe your child is tall, or short. How can that help her as she grows and develops?
Perhaps you have the child who spends hours building with Lego blocks. Or the child who loves to paint.
Yes, these things are messy! But don’t squelch who your child was meant to be by not allowing him to take interest in messy things. Instead, teach your child to clean up the mess!
I have a friend who is amazing this way! I recently took care of her two-year-old daughter so of course, I dug out the Play-Doh and we all had a great time playing. When I asked her if she plays with Play-Doh at her house, she said, “Mommy says, ‘no’.”
It surprised me because I was pretty sure this friend actually did let her kids play with Play-Doh. So, my friend explained that the last time her daughter played with Play-Doh, she didn’t clean it up, so the Play-Doh had to be put away for a while.
Okay, this mom knows what she’s doing! I love follow-through so much!
- Take inventory of your child’s weaknesses–
What areas is your child not good at? I bet if you ask him, he’ll have a laundry list of things that have been going through his mind. Why is it so hard for kids, and adults, to see their strengths, but so easy to see their weaknesses?
You also have to go beyond just simple, “I’m not good at spelling.” What are your child’s perceived weaknesses? While a tall girl who loves to play basketball might see that as a strength, a tall girl who loves gymnastics will see it as a weakness.
Help your child choose activities that enhance their strengths, instead of spotlighting their weaknesses, whenever you can. This way, they can see that their purpose includes their strengths.
- What are your child’s spiritual gifts?
Have you recognized your child’s spiritual gifts yet? Maybe you don’t even know your own yet. That’s okay! There are a few ways to figure out your child’s spiritual gifts:
- Your child can take a Children’s Spiritual Gifts Survey and that will give you some insight.
- You will probably recognize at least some of your child’s spiritual gifts just by having an idea of your own.
- You can often recognize your spiritual gifts by seeing the opposite in them. For example, maybe you have a child who loves to save and hoard money. His spiritual gift is probably actually giving–but the Holy Spirit just hasn’t taken control of that gift yet.
Also, if you can, try to recognize your child’s spiritual gifts before he or she hits the teenage years. Those gifts sometimes just disappear with the reconstruction of the brain during those hormone-flooded years so be patient and pray for their return!
Once you know your child’s spiritual gifts, encourage them! Recognize those gifts as God’s amazing design for your child!
One of my sons is a “giver.” Every summer, he emptied his entire piggy bank to give to the Vacation Bible School offering! At first, I thought he was just really competitive and wanted the boys to win. But when I asked him about his motives, he teared up and said, “Mom, I just really want those kids in the Congo to have a school.”
And though my son didn’t ever have any money saved up, and no spending money because he had given it all away in addition to his normal tithe money, the Lord has blessed him for it!
Because he has been hired by very generous people to do odd jobs, or mowing, he has more money in his savings account than I ever did! (And I started working at a young age too!) The Lord has blessed his generosity. But if I had said, “No. You can’t give all of your money.” We both would have missed out on the Lord’s blessings!
Don’t squelch your child’s spiritual gifts–even if they are uncomfortable at times (and they will be!)
- Don’t label your children (even unknowingly!)–
Sometimes, as parents, we unknowingly label our children. And here’s the thing–some children are incredibly sensitive to it, and some aren’t! But just because one isn’t, doesn’t mean the other one won’t be!
For example, one of my daughters is very easy-going. She is a peacemaker, so if something isn’t the biggest deal in the world to her, she lets it go pretty easily. One day, I told her, “Thank you for being so flexible. This family really needs that and we can all learn from that!”
One of my sons got visibly upset. I asked him, “What’s up?” to which he reluctantly replied, “I thought I was the flexible one in the family.”
Whoa. I had no idea that my comment would strike a nerve! But it did!
On the other hand, I asked our oldest son, “What are some labels you feel either Dad and I, or other people have given you?” Honestly, I was worried that he would reply with something like, “the lazy kid” because we’ve gone through that stage!
Nope. He replied with ALL positive things, half of which I’m pretty sure NO ONE has ever said! (Like, “really neat”–as in tidy!”) I smiled even though everything inside of me was wondering if I should be the one to trim the ego, or if I should let the world take care of that!
- Don’t fall into the lie trap–
When Dr. Koch shares her story, it almost always includes that fact that spelling doesn’t come naturally for her. But what I love is that she differentiates by saying, “I don’t say spelling is hard. That’s not true. There are many words that are easy to spell.” “I don’t say I can’t spell. That’s not true. I can spell many words and for others, I need some help.” “I say spelling doesn’t come naturally to me because that’s absolutely true.”
So often, we allow our children to feed themselves lies! We might be the one feeding them the lies. Or we might just be allowing them to believe the lies Satan tells them. It could be a combination of all those things.
Several years ago, a mom who had already raised her children said to me, “Always ask your children, ‘Is that true?’” For example, when your child says, “Nobody likes me.” You reply, “Is that true? Dad and I don’t like you? Your grandpa and grandma don’t like you? Etc.”
So often, we allow our children to believe those lies, instead of calling them out like we should. Don’t fall into that!
Final thoughts on Helping Your Child Find His/Her Purpose
Remember, the most important thing is to acknowledge that God is writing your children’s stories. He has already designed them perfectly, according to His will and purpose for their lives. Continue to be pouring that message into your children–whether they’re struggling with friendships, or acne, physical appearance, or cognitive delays.
God has designed your child with a great purpose. Don’t tell your child, “You can be whatever you want to be!” Instead, tell your child, “You can be whatever God has designed you to be! What do you think that might be?”
RElated: 5 Important Values for Kids
This was wonderful! Even though our children are grown, we do have grandchildren! Thank you!