Are you a reactor or a responder? In other words, are you a yelling mom, or a calm, gentle mom? On the whole, I have become a responder, but that doesn’t mean I don’t react sometimes! Some of us are natural reactors and some are natural responders…and usually our husbands are the other.
My dad is a responder. He always has been. My mom is a reactor. I am a responder, but my husband is a reactor. Honestly, both of them have their places, but in my experience, reacting rarely gets the response you want. So, if you desire to become a better mom and not yell, this may be an area that needs work.
If you’re a reactor, you might be a “small picture” thinker in the moment. You may be quick to discipline, yell, or lose your temper. If you’re a responder, you might tend to think more along the “big picture” lines. You usually take time to hear the whole story, then think through and choose a discipline that will teach a valuable lesson.
In other words, a reactor answers a behavior; a responder teaches the heart.
If you’re a reactor, don’t worry! It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom! We all have our strengths and weaknesses. This may just be an area that needs strengthening for you. It’s possible to be a better mom and not yell! (I know this because I have been where you are.)
Though I have been more naturally inclined to be a responder, thanks to my dad, there are certain situations that can push me into a reaction with the best of them! And believe me, I still need to learn to be a better mom and not yell–it’s a constant battle!
For example, a few days ago, my darling daughter sneaked a brand-new pack of gum from my coat pocket and took it upstairs to my room in order to keep herself entertained during what was supposed to be her naptime.
The next day, when I came up to tuck her in for her nap, I discovered TWENTY PIECES of ABC gum spit onto my bedroom carpet. It couldn’t have just been a wad of gum–no, no. That’s beneath her. She chewed the pieces individually, spit them out individually so that they were also stuck individually.
That girl can definitely bring out the reactor in me! And I yelled.
It’s usually when I react, instead of respond, that I have another RE word—regret.
So, where do you even start if you’re trying to react less and respond more?
WARNING! Trying to become a better mom and not yell is a little like praying for patience! You will not just magically get better at responding; instead, you will get opportunities to practice!
Starting with these five steps will help, but as always, before you do any of these things, set a goal for yourself and write it down! Then write out your three-step game plan.
Five Steps to Be a Better Mom and Not Yell:
- Ask Yourself, “Who Am I Mad At?”—
When I was a fairly new mom, someone told me this and it stuck. She said, “So often, we are really just displacing our anger and taking it out on our children. We’re angry with someone or about something else, thus the little things our children do irritate us.”
I have found this to be SO TRUE! And remembering to ask myself this question was a game-changer for me.
“Who Am I Mad At?” Most often, I become more reactive with my children when my husband and I are not getting along. Sometimes, I was mad at myself—maybe because I slept later than usual, putting me behind for the rest of the day. Maybe I stayed up late and ended up being up in the night with a child. Whatever the reason, it is RARELY actually my kids that I am mad at!
- Send Your Child Out of the Room Immediately—
If your child has done something that legitimately makes you angry—like the time my son dropped and spilled an entire gallon of white paint on my so-new-we-were-still-laying-it kitchen floor—send him or her out of the room before you yell!
Your child can wait in her room while you clean up the mess and THEN go and handle the issue. TRUST ME! You will calm down as you clean up the mess!
So many of our reactions come from the unknown. In that case, I didn’t know if my floor was going to be completely ruined and wasted (and that was a legitimate fear since we didn’t have the budget to replace it) and that definitely fed my anger. But once I started cleaning it up, realizing it wasn’t going to be ruined forever, I had more clarity about the situation as a whole. In that case, my son was not really doing anything naughty. He was simply trying to move the paint can, dropped it and the lid popped off and spilled everywhere. Taking time to really focus on that, allowed me to be a better mom, and I didn’t yell!
There is NOTHING wrong with saying to your child, “I need a moment. Please go to your room and play until I can come and talk to you.”
- Examine the Motive—
Why did this happen? God cut my oldest child and my youngest child from the SAME cloth! One is biological and one is adopted…and God thought I needed two of them. (He was completely right, by the way!) But there is one major difference between the two. When my son was a toddler, he was practically the exact character of Dennis the Menace. His motives were constant curiosity and rarely just to be naughty or mean. He caused all kinds of shenanigans—every time I turned my back on him—but I tried to keep his motive in mind. That kid is still curious about everything. He is a constant tinkerer, inventor, engineer. (and it still gets him in trouble sometimes too)
On the other hand, my youngest daughter just has a plain, old naughty streak sometimes! She spent a couple of years in an orphanage, so she is a survivor. She can be sneaky and just a total punk. But her past has shaped her too. Usually, her motive is to test her security and safety. “If I do this, will my mom still love me?” I can’t even tell you the number of times I have told her, “I still love you! You cannot make me stop loving you!” Even through gritted teeth sometimes. (By the way, she usually replies, “Well, I don’t love you!”)
In either case, though, the underlying motive for the behavior does not usually warrant the reaction we give. Take some time away from your child and think about the “Why” instead of the “What.”
- Teach to the Heart Issue—
Once you’ve examined the motive, it’s a lot easier to understand what your child needs in terms of discipline and love. (By the way, ALWAYS follow discipline with love!) Even though both my son and daughter have different motives for getting into the trouble they get into, they still need to learn that these behaviors are not okay! And the only way those two learn is through tough discipline. Some children can just be told. Others need a little something to make the point stick. Those two have iron wills and just need more discipline than other children. (If you have a strong-willed child, you know what I’m talking about!)
Whatever discipline you choose, make sure it matches the crime and teaches a correlating lesson. For example, years ago, a little girl in one of my classes did not have a lot of discipline at home. Whenever she came to class, she tore around the room taking toys from others, hitting or sitting on younger children, dumping whatever she could onto the floor, etc.
One day, she took an entire tray of sand and seashells and dumped them on the floor. I picked her up and held her and said, “You chose to make this mess, now you need to help clean it up.” She screamed and screamed and kicked me for holding her—for about 30 seconds.
Once she realized I was not going to budge, and that she would have to help, she did it! And quickly! In that scenario, her motive was not to be mean or naughty. No one expected her to clean up a mess, so, of course, she thought, “Dumping this on the floor will be fun!” But once she learned, “If I dump this on the floor, I’m going to have to clean it up,” that changed things! Try to remember, when you’re in the thick of it, that discipline and consequences are tools to teach–NOT a means to CONTROL! (More on that in a later post!)
- Pray with Your Child—
When your blood is boiling, there is nothing that will change your heart faster than hearing your child pray about his or her sin. Of course, my son learned at a very young age, to try to manipulate this! We always prayed before discipline—whatever that was in the situation. He started to pray, “And Lord, please make sure my mom knows how much I love her and help her not to discipline me!” (This is the same child who looked at me one time and said, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, Mom, so it’s not really my fault!”)
Hearing your sweet little child confess his or her sins to God will remind you that you have a Heavenly Father who may or may not throw His hands up in the air and be frustrated by your behavior sometimes! It also reminds me to live the faith I want my children to live. When I think about my Father’s quick-to-forgive heart, it definitely helps to keep things in perspective with my children.
Friend, these are not easy tasks, but if you could even choose one of them to work on, it will help you to become less reactive and more responsive. You will hopefully yell less and be a better mom. Remember, try to be more Christ-like each day; but even Christ reacted sometimes—because there’s a time and a place for that. We all know that the reaction comes more naturally than the response—and then we have to pick up the pieces and work through regret instead. So, try one of these things and be a better mom and try not to yell today!
RElated: Managing Toddler Tantrums
