A couple of days ago, we talked about the importance of rest and how much we all need to re-charge before the week begins. So what happens if you miss that day of rest, or one day of rest is just not enough? What if you’re just exhausted all the time? How can you be a good mom when you’re exhausted?
Last night, I hit the wall. Our family got out of routine last week, and this week, my husband is furloughed from work. So, because of many interruptions yesterday, I hadn’t gotten my work done. I still wanted to make family fun a priority and by the time we got home from our outing, it was already pretty late. By the time I sat down last night, a bad headache brewed, I wasn’t feeling great, and the work…well, it was all still there!
I had just gotten the kids to bed and was ready to start work, when my daughter came down. She started crying and said, “Can I just have some time with you?” So, I hugged her and we just visited on the couch for a while. Everything in me at that point wanted to say, “GO TO BED! I need to get this done!” And then turn around and write about how being a mom is the most important work? No. The last thing I want is to fake it.
By the time I got her back to bed, my headache had worsened. I knew I needed to go to bed, or spend the rest of the week feeling like garbage, unable to enjoy it. But that made me think about all the other moms out there who are pushing through the exhaustion to spend a few more moments with their children. It’s hard to be a good mom when you’re exhausted! I have been there.
I have spent most of my life in pain and fatigue. My mom still talks about how much I complained as a child. As a baby, I was sick a lot! My mom says that if I wasn’t on an antibiotic, I was either just finishing one, or just about to start one in the first two or three years of my life. All through high school, I ached, but didn’t think much of it because my mom was the same way. My own mom set the example of how to be a good mom when you’re exhausted, as she battled through her own health issues. Consequently, I thought it was pretty normal.
While in college, I developed horrible symptoms that affected my stomach and caused horrendous pain. I doctored for it, but no one could diagnose it, so I learned to live with it.
Around five years ago, things were getting worse. Physically drained every day, I dragged myself through life. I’ve always suffered from headaches and a few migraines, but at that point, the migraines were increasing. I woke up with a headache and went to bed with a headache every single day for years. But more than that worried me. I was losing my memory. Entire chunks of time, including things that I had done recently, were just vanishing from my memory. I woke up exhausted and went to bed exhausted and I still had to be a mom.
I had researched adrenal fatigue and thought for sure that was what I had. My friend had recently been diagnosed with Lyme disease and told me, “I think, based on your symptoms, it sounds like you have it.” I was pretty sure it wasn’t Lyme disease. In fact, the further she explained her symptoms to me, the more it convinced me that my mom needed this testing! She didn’t have Lyme disease. And then, I was playing the piano in our church, when my left hand just suddenly stopped moving. It was like a pile of cement and it couldn’t remember what to do!
I knew I needed to at least go to her homeopathic doctor and find out. Yep, it was Lyme (and a myriad of other fatigue-causing infections!) My body was full of at least nine viral and bacterial infections that it was working hard to fight off, but unfortunately, losing the battle. Hence, the complete exhaustion.
If you know anything about Lyme disease, you know that if you treat it, it gets a lot worse before it gets better. So, I started treatment four years ago, and spent the first two years more exhausted than ever. I had to take a three-hour nap every afternoon just to function and I was asleep on the couch no later than 7:00 pm.
And I was still trying to homeschool and to be a good mom. Two years before I got so sick, we had begun the adoption process. We waited for a child for three years before our foster son was placed with us. I was diagnosed with Lyme the same day he left. I started my treatment and it was the hardest year of my life health-wise, and then God brought us our daughter.
That was, to date, the hardest year of my life. My Lyme disease symptoms had improved a little, thankfully, but adding a child from a tough start to our family took its toll on me. In addition to physical exhaustion, mental and emotional exhaustion quickly set in from all the power struggles. Our oldest son also turned thirteen that year. It was intense! I spent that whole year praying, singing, battling, napping, and crying.
But I’m still here. My children are all still alive and actually thriving. I’m still here fighting for them every day and though I’m nowhere near a perfect mom, I have figured out that you can still be a good mom when you’re exhausted, but there are five important keys to getting through it.
How to Be a Good Mom When You’re Exhausted—Five Key Things
- Prioritize and Let Things Go—
I had to actively choose my priorities, which were clean kids in clean clothes eating off clean dishes. And school. School was my biggest priority. Then, after I completed those tasks, naps. My kids napped because I needed to nap and truthfully, for teenagers going through a total reconstruction and rewiring of the brain, naps are sometimes necessary and always good! Sometimes my older kids just read books, or magazines during naptime and that was okay too, but honestly, they didn’t fuss much about it because they knew how difficult things were for me. Rest has to be a priority!
You may need to let things go around the house. I definitely had to! Recently, I looked at a few pictures of my kids that we took during my worst years and when I see all the stuff in the background, I wonder if I ever cleaned my house! I know those years were difficult for my husband too. He would come home from a long day at work basically to find me half-dead on the couch, a mess everywhere around him, and kids needing attention! A few days, my kids said to me, “Mom, Dad’s home, but he’s just sitting in the car.” I’m sure he was working up the mental strength to handle what was about to meet him.
And even though I felt terribly, he didn’t die. He made it through it too, and he supported me in sickness, like he promised to do. I didn’t do anything to make myself ill, so I let the guilt go.
- Work with Your Husband—
I knew things were difficult for him, but he really has been so gracious. Sometimes, he would just crash on the couch after supper too and the kids got to have screen time. Most often, he started cleaning, which was incredibly difficult for me because we do not clean the same way. It drove me crazy and truthfully, wasn’t helpful.
We had to have a good conversation about what would help each of us and it wasn’t that much. He said that it would help him out immensely if I could try to have the kitchen floor swept and a plan for supper. It was also helpful for me if he could wash the dinner dishes and just play with our kids. So, he bought a bunch of paper plates to cut back on dishes, and had more time and energy to spend with our kids. You do what you have to do! Not every meal has to be homemade. Frozen pizzas once in a while won’t kill your kids. It’s a season that you have to get through.
- Be Honest with Your Kids—
My health was so bad at one point that I needed to make sure that my kids knew what to do if they saw certain signs or in case of an emergency. (Be sure to teach your young children how to call 9-1-1 if something happens to you!) I also asked them to pray for me and sometimes with me about my health. It’s really important not to scare your kids—and I think sometimes, that’s why we don’t tell our kids how bad things are—but they are so intuitive. They know something is wrong and if you’re not honest about it, you leave it up to their imaginations to decide what it is.
Maybe you’re not struggling with a physical illness that causes exhaustion. Maybe it’s not as bad as things were for me. I hope that’s the case! But you can still be honest with your child. You can still say, “Mommy is really tired today and I need your help so I can be a good mom.” Kids are smarter and more compassionate and more capable than you realize!
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was on bedrest and I had hyperemesis gravidarum. My sons were five and three. Every day, my five-year-old got up and poured cereal for himself and his little brother. He grew up quickly, and it was good! It broke my heart at the time, but now that I see him, as a teenager, I’m thankful for it!
- Adjust Your Fun Activities—
Prioritizing your family fun is also imperative. Decide ahead of time what you do not, in any way, shape, or form, want to miss. For me, it was having birthday parties for my kids. I dragged myself through them, but consequently, have no regrets!
Also, it’s okay to give your kids screen time so you can get some rest. That’s why we limit screentime on a regular basis. But you can snuggle up with a good book with your child, or lie down on the couch and ask your child to put on a show for you. You can play some soft music and pretend with your child that you have come to see a ballet performance. Then ask her to perform!
Another tip is to have two baskets of toys that your child rarely gets to play with: one is for when you’re on the phone, and the other is for when you need a nap. ONLY let your child play with them while you’re doing these things. Add a few new things to the basket once in awhile and hopefully, your child will be begging you to take a nap on the couch!
- Get Checked Out—
Most moms feel exhausted at some point—especially during the infant and toddler years. If you can’t sleep all night for weeks or years on end, of course, you will end up exhausted. But if you are more than tired, and you’re not getting up with kids in the night, there might be something else that’s wrong.
You can be a good mom even if you’re not taking care of yourself; but you cannot be your best!
Final Thoughts on How to Be a Good Mom When You’re Exhausted
Being a good mom is a challenge on a good day, but when you’re working through exhaustion, it’s even more difficult! I hope that learning to let things go and prioritize will help you to be a better mom. Rest is the most important of your daily tasks! Give yourself permission to do it!
Please let me know how I can pray for you or help. I may share more of my journey to recovery (though not yet recovered fully) here if it will help someone else reclaim her life! In the meantime, ask God for the strength and press on!
For more information on Lyme Disease, this is one of many good resources that has helped me!
RElated: The Importance of Rest
