Teach Your Daughter How to Deal With Mean Girls

I have the sweetest daughter in the world. Yes, I might be biased, but she is so kind-hearted that she honestly has no idea when girls are being mean to her. When I see it happening, do I let her maintain her innocence? Or do I explain to her that those girls are making fun of her? Why are girls so stinkin’ mean? And how can I teach my daughter to deal with the mean girls in her life?

We are dealing with mean girls right now. It’s a sure sign that my daughter is growing up. I don’t think they are truly mean…I think they just haven’t learned what it means to be a good friend…but nevertheless, they are treating my daughter poorly right now.

There’s also an added element to this–the mean girls’ parents are people we really like, and our daughters are usually friends. I know they wouldn’t be happy to know that their daughters were being mean to mine so that complicates things.

As a parent, I would want to know if my daughters were being mean; however, I also don’t want to be the mom always pointing out the flaws in other people’s kids…because we have enough of our own to handle!

Ugh.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that handling this has planted me right back on the playground in fourth grade, when my friends suddenly decided that I was no longer worthy of playing with them.

My daughters’ friends have a habit of ditching her whenever someone new, or better, is around. They also made a list of things they would like to “correct” about how she dresses if she wants to play with them.

I asked my daughter how it made her feel and she kindly replied, “Well, I think they’re nice to give me ideas on how to dress.”

While I admire her positive outlook on life, I had to tell her! If I allow her to think that, I’m not protecting her from anything. I’m setting her up for being taken advantage of and being treated poorly by friends, and who knows who else?

So, I broke the news gently to her that her friends were not accepting her the way she was, but instead, were discussing with each other how to make her “better,” or “more suitable” for their friendship.

And then, I had to teach her how to deal with mean girls, while helping her maintain her soft heart.

Teach Your Daughter How to Deal With Mean Girls:

Compassion goes a long way–

My daughter’s compassion helps a lot! It also helps that in this situation, we know these girls and their parents. We know they are not truly mean, but probably just need to be taught that how they are acting is not okay.

I am really thankful that this is the situation with which we get our feet wet!

But either way, compassion for other people goes a long way in dealing with mean girls. Ask your daughter why these girls might be acting so unkindly. Ask her to put herself in their shoes and imagine what their lives might be like.

Explain to your daughter that not everyone has a good home life. Help her to understand that we don’t know the burdens others are carrying. We don’t always know their stories. We don’t know why they are the way they are, but we can be compassionate for what they might be going through. Empathy goes a long way when teaching your daughter how to deal with mean girls.

Pray with your daughter for the mean girls in her life–

Do not skip this! Praying with your daughter is a game-changer! Why? Because it changes your heart, and hers. Instead of being the victim, you help her to change who she can change…herself.

Praying for the girls will shift the focus off of your daughter, and onto God. Believe me! That helps!

I have prayed many times with my sons for the bullies in their lives, as well, and it really makes a big difference in their outlooks on the situation. They go from feeling completely out of control, to realizing that they can do something about it.

It reminds them that they are not powerless, but rather, that they have the most powerful God of the Universe on their side!

Remind her of who she is–

Remind your daughter that she is a daughter of the King. She can walk tall; she is a child of God. Her identity does not lie with the approval of anyone else.

Hopefully, you have been teaching her these things all along, but if not, now is the time!

It is so easy to find our value and our worth in what others think of us. I even still find it easy to get caught up in.

In fact, because of comments these girls have made to me personally, I believe that any meanness shown to my daughter is out of pure jealousy. It’s not that my daughter is better than they are, but they may have forgotten who they are too!

Taking this time to remind your daughter that God thinks she’s worth dying for will strengthen your relationship, and she will be reminded that she always has you too.

Assure her that this will pass–

It’s important to remember that your daughter does not have an adult brain. What might seem like an unimportant thing to an adult can seem like the end of the world to a tween or teen. She doesn’t have the foresight to know that this will pass.

Try to remind her that this will not last forever…and it will feel smaller even by tomorrow. It won’t necessarily just go away, but girl drama really only lasts as long as you allow it to last.

Also, don’t feed the drama at home. Don’t jump down the emotional rabbit hole with your daughter. Instead, sympathize for a moment, and encourage her to move on.

Encourage her to work it out–

If it’s just a bunch of mean girls picking on your daughter, then, you might have to handle things a bit differently, (and your daughter might find this book series, Mean Girl Makeover to be helpful!) But if, like in this case, it’s friends who have turned crummy for a moment, encourage your daughter to advocate for herself.

I have encouraged my daughter that she can still be kind to the girls who are being unkind to her. They can even still be friends!

But I also told her that she should stand up for herself and say, “A good friend would accept me the way I am. I’m not asking you to wear different clothes to be friends with me.” Or, “A good friend does not ignore me when someone better is around. I want to be friends with you, but not if you’re going to leave me out.”

My younger daughter is spunky enough to stand up for herself without question, but my soft-hearted girl struggles more with advocating for herself.

I have seen adults who are the same way–living day-to-day trying to please everyone and never rock the boat. It’s not good. This is not what I want for my daughter, even though it seems like a lovely trait when she’s making my life easier by…not rocking the boat!

She has to learn to stand up for herself, even when it’s her friends she has to stand up to.

By encouraging her to work things out with her friends if she can, she is learning an important life skill, and her future relationships will thank you for teaching her how to confront a situation!

Pour into those who care–

Thankfully, my daughter has many friends. The last few weeks, I have encouraged her to be kind to the crummy friends, but not to invest. Instead, she has been pouring into the friends who have shown interest and have poured into their friendship in return.

A break from a friendship doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can give your daughter the time she needs to heal, and evaluate whether the friendship is worth it or not.

Stay out of it! (As much as possible!)–

Sometimes, I want to go straight to the parents and let them know that their kids are being jerks! And I have a few words I’d like to say to the girls too. But as much as Mama Bear wants to protect her cub, most often, Mama Bear needs to stay in the den.

Allow your daughter to handle things on her own, as much as possible. Of course, she may need some guidance with what to say, or how to respond, but allow her to be the one to handle it…even if she chooses not to confront it.

If you take care of it for her, what are you teaching her? How does she learn to deal with it on her own?

Final Thoughts on Dealing with Mean Girls

When someone breaks my child’s heart, my reaction is not a good one! I need to respond, instead of react because our daughters are watching. They will treat people the way we treat people. They will watch to see if we show kindness to those who hurt us, or if we act in vengeance. Our children will look for Christ in us.

I will admit that my first reaction (thankfully, just in my head) was to be mean right back. Believe me! I have a few comments that I would like to share!

But do I want to raise a mean girl?

Right now, my daughter’s immediate reaction is kindness…I do NOT want to be the one to take that out of her!

Help your daughter deal with mean girls and navigate the difficult waters of friendships by teaching her to be kind, but not a doormat. It’s hard, but it will be worth it!