Oh, Mama! We’ve all been there. The toddler tantrums. In the middle of a store or some other public place…or with your in-laws…when your child decides to humble you with an outpouring of…aggression and anger. Yay. Some toddlers have tantrums that are more intense than others, but it doesn’t really matter; they are all completely mortifying and make you feel like the worst mom on Earth.
I’m here to tell you that the only part of that that would make you actually look like the worst mom ever is if you give in. Do not give in to your child! We have all been there. WAY fewer people than you think are actually judging you, though it may feel like you’ve made your television premier on Judge Judy. Once you’re caught in the middle of a toddler tantrum, stay calm! Other moms are cheering you on and those who are judging will find themselves in your shoes sooner than they think.
When my sons were four and two, my oldest had a MASSIVE tantrum during story time at the library. There was one mom there who was absolutely SO snotty to me! It was our first time at story time. I had no idea how it would go, so when they passed around the volunteer sign-up sheet, I passed. She was already giving me the stink-eye about that. Then, my son had one of the biggest toddler tantrums I have ever seen and I was forced to carry him out, kicking and screaming like a banshee!
And of course, we had walked to the library that day. I’m telling you, this kid would not quit! (Remember, he’s a strong-willed child.) He was fighting me so hard that people driving down the street were slowing, as if to check to see that I was not kidnapping him. My two-year-old had severe asthma and he carried his portable nebulizer in a little backpack. He was toddling along behind us, his brother acting like a total psycho, while I carried him home kicking and screaming. I’m sure anyone who slowed down on the street could see by the look on my face that I was, indeed, this child’s mother!
Let me tell you, the mom at the library was LEGITIMATELY judging me! So rude. Eleven years later, I have never been back to story time; BUT only a few weeks after that debacle, I was in a restaurant in our small town and that lady was in there and TWO of her kids were screaming their heads off. Guess what. She didn’t have the decency to take her kids out. So, yeah. I judged her right back!
Hey, I warned you that you would not get perfection here!
In any case, toddler tantrums are pretty much a given; however, there are often signs that a tantrum is coming and there are a few things you can do to prevent them.
Five Ways to Prevent Toddler Tantrums
- Plan and Inform—
Tell your child ahead of time what to expect. For example, if you’re going to be running several errands, tell your child how many stores you have to go to (hint, maybe add one to that number because things come up). Let him know that he will have to be a little bit patient today and discuss a plan for how he can do that (i.e. play a game through the store; draw in a notebook in the car, etc.)
- Offer a Reward—
I don’t advocate rewarding every little thing your child does right; however, if something is going to be incredibly boring for your child, offering a reward for great behavior will not hurt. It doesn’t even have to be something—it could be a privilege. You could allow your child to choose what you make for dinner that evening. Or, I used to allow my children to choose a small treat after good behavior in the grocery store.
- Be Quick!—
Sometimes, we are a little bit selfish when we go to the store. We like to browse, but that makes it difficult for young children. I used to approach a Wal-Mart trip as a 30-minute shopping spree. Whatever I got in my cart in 30 minutes, I could get!
- Allow Transition Time—
One of the biggest causes of toddler tantrums is that a child is not ready to move on from one activity to the next. Give your child a transition period. If you’ll be leaving your playdate soon, give your child the, “In five minutes, we are going to clean up our toys, get our shoes on, and go home.” Sometimes, we only let them know the very next step, but that can cause problems for some children. Some children should have the next three steps in order to make transitions a little bit smoother.
- Stay Calm—
If things start to escalate, stay calm. Our children are so perceptive! If you become anxious, your child’s anxiety will also rise. If you stay calm, it is more likely that your child will also stay calm. (Get my list of 12 Stay-Calm Responses to an Ensuing Tantrum here.)
You can do this! Remember that most of the judgment you might feel is really in your mind. Most of us who walk by you and your screaming child are one of two things: 1. Thankful it’s not us this time and 2. Wanting to say, “Keep at it! You’ve got this!” Most of the time, it’s both.
Stay calm. Stay strong. Your child’s tantrum does NOT say, “You’re a bad mom.” It says, “You have a child who is developing correctly!” And that is all.
RElated: Re-think Permissive Parenting
