Why do you do what you do? Why do you stay at home with your children? If you’ve chosen to stay at home with your children, you obviously are not placing your value in money. We all know that is probably the number one sacrifice we make. But we don’t always see the value in what we do because we don’t get paid for our work. What’s it worth to stay at home and raise our own children? We also don’t see the value in raising our children because in general, society does not approve. It’s time to stop seeking approval from others and see that what we are doing matters!
So many moms struggle to recognize their worth. I used to struggle with this more, but it still creeps in sometimes. When I had my first child, we moved back to the area in which we grew up. I would frequently run into former classmates who would ask the classic, “So, what do you do now?” When I replied, “I stay at home with my son,” the response was almost always a variation on, “Oh, I thought you went to college.”
For a while, I really struggled with that. It was as if
- A. People who go to college can’t choose to stay at home with their children, or
- B. People who stay at home with their children couldn’t possibly have the ability to earn a degree. It also implies:
- C. If you don’t go to college, you’re not capable of doing anything other than staying at home with your children.
Did you ever know a comment to have so many rude, and just plain crummy implications?
After that, whenever asked, I replied, “I stay at home with my son, but I sub at the school too.” It was like I had to add something better than just being a mom. I was seeking the approval of my peers because I had forgotten where my worth and my identity came from. It took a lot of growth before I could stop seeking approval from my peers. I made it a point–and still make it a point despite all my other side gigs–to tell people I stay at home with my children.
I think that at some point, we all seek approval from a false source, no matter how secure we are. But if we are to be the moms we are meant to be–our best selves–we need to realize that there is only One we should seek to please and stop seeking approval from the rest!
Five False Sources of Approval to Ditch Immediately
- Peers—
I don’t care what your high school classmates are doing. If you are dedicating your time to raising your children, you are doing something much more important. It’s not a competition, but you are truly raising the future of this country. Do not let some former classmate who is probably faking everything she puts on Facebook make you feel like her big corporate job is more important than what you are doing. It’s not!
Moms! I beseech you–stop putting all of your best moments on Facebook for others to like and comment and say things like, “Oh, you’re such an amazing mom!” I understand that feeds your ego momentarily, but it also gives you a false sense of worth and feeds a vicious cycle for more approval. Stop seeking the fake approval of your Facebook friends–you’re worth so much more than that!
- Parents—
You may have parents who don’t value your choice to stay at home with your child—especially if they paid for you to go to college and you’re not putting that degree to good use! First of all, most often, you can use your degree to serve your family—nursing, fashion, teaching, finance, business management—all these things and more are put to good use in managing a household. Secondly, you’re an adult. If your parents don’t approve of what you’re doing, they just don’t get it. That’s okay. You can still love them and hopefully, you can still get along, but you can stop seeking their approval.
- In-Laws—
This one might be a little bit harder. We, as wives and moms, naturally seek the approval of our in-laws and often, they are much less likely to give it than our own parents. At the same time, we often take what may be an over-opinionated (or even just an overly helpful) nature, as criticism whether they mean it that way or not. You don’t need your in-laws’ approval to stay at home with your children. Sure, family gatherings might be annoying, especially if they always bring it up, but you’re doing something that matters more than any amount of money you are not bringing into your family. Truly, if it’s a real issue of criticism, you can respectfully let them know that the choices you and your husband make are none of their business…and move on!
- Husband—
This one is definitely trickier! There was a time when my husband and I were not completely on the same page about my choice to stay at home with our children—especially when our oldest son became old enough to attend school. I had always planned to homeschool our children, at least for a little while and for some reason, my husband was not aware of that plan. He wasn’t completely supportive, but he grudgingly went along with it. My husband had witnessed the benefits and had become one of my biggest supporters and advocate of homeschooling mid-way through the Kindergarten year. He tells me frequently, “I’m so thankful you stuck to your guns about staying at home with our kids. It is the most important work!”
It doesn’t work out that way for everyone. It’s definitely not worth losing your marriage over. Your children will do better with daycare and public school than they will with divorce! But maybe there’s a common ground that your husband and you can find together. Perhaps a part-time job in the evenings when he can be at home with the kids would work for you if money is the issue. As long as he is in agreement, even if he does not fully approve, keep pressing on!
It’s hard when you feel like you don’t have your husband’s approval, but you don’t need it! Be the mom God wants you to be—and if that’s not who your spouse wants you to be, that’s on him.
- Yourself—
This one is the least obvious, I think. In fact, it didn’t even make my outline because I didn’t think of it until now! I am my own worst critic. That serves me well sometimes, but more often than not, it’s not a good thing. Do I approve of myself? Yes, I approve of my choice to stay at home with my children, but I don’t always approve of my job performance. That must be why performance reviews and wages aren’t attached to parenting. The Lord knew we’d never give ourselves a raise! As moms, we are usually teetering on the balance beam of striving to be better and giving ourselves grace. Both are important!
So Whose Approval Should We Seek?
Where should our recognition and approval come from? Our Audience of One—the Lord who made each of us to be a little different. One idea I never, ever want you to take away from this site is that you should do things exactly like I do. Oh. NO! Instead, you should be empowered to be who God wants you to be.
Whenever I start to feel like my approval rating is dropping—by the way, when you have teenagers, there will be many days when you feel like this—I need to take it straight back to the One Who called me to this life in the first place. Lord, am I pleasing You with how I am parenting? Sometimes I can honestly answer “yes” to that, but others, I can’t. If I can’t answer, “yes,” I know I have some work to do on myself!
Friend, there are many sources of disapproval. If you’re looking for someone who disapproves of what you are doing, you’ll find it quickly. But all you truly need is the One Who created you—only you—to be _____’s mom! Seek His approval, and you’ll find it! It will also give you the courage to stop seeking approval from any other sources!
RElated: Five Ways to Grow in Your Faith
