I am in a season right now. A season that is filled with more frustration than joy in parenting. I love my children dearly, but I am exhausted. But last Sunday was Mother’s Day, and like always, my pastor gave a convicting sermon. This one hit me hard though. He reminded us that the world sees children as a burden and a frustration, but the Lord sees children as a reward and a blessing! I knew right then that I needed to change and to take more delight in my children!
Okay, so I don’t always love it when the Holy Spirit convicts me. I mean, does anyone really like to realize how wrong she is? But at the same time, the fact that the Lord convicts me is proof that I am teachable and humble–qualities I absolutely love in other people. So…I’m a work in progress, but progress is the key.
Right now, I am raising a teenager who is in that stage of life…you might remember the one. When teenagers think they have it ALL together, could totally make it on their own and definitely do not need their parents! They know it all…and by the way, they are PERFECT parents too. I think the phrase my son hears the most often right now is, “When you’re a parent, do it better than me.”
It is such a frustrating stage because their brain development, at this stage, is literally almost identical to that of a toddler or young child, but that brain is trapped inside the body of a full-grown man.
My daughter is seven years old. A few days ago, she told me, “When I’m a mom, I’m going to let my kids eat all the candy they want before supper. They can even eat candy for supper if they want!”
I smiled, and thought Of course! This is why seven-year-olds aren’t parents. But to her, I said, “Hmmm. That sounds like an interesting approach.”
A day later, my son said to me, “Well, when I have kids of my own, they’re going to be allowed to move out whenever they want to so they can do whatever they want.”
And I replied, “Okay. When you have kids, I hope you’ll be a far better parent than your dad and I are.”
You see, their brains are essentially at the same level, but with my daughter, it’s cute and funny. With my son, it’s just annoying because he’s the size of a grown man, acting like a seven-year-old.
So frustrating.
But here is the problem. The frustration in parenting through this stage is right in my face every day–so much so that it’s blocking out the joy! And I have allowed myself to lose sight of all of the good things in there!
My son is such a good teenager. I have not been the mom God wants me to be for him lately because I have been blinded by the frustration of the details that make up the big picture.
So, how can you take more joy in parenting?
Five Steps to More Joy-Filled Parenting
- Make a List–
Often, in pre-marital counseling, a pastor has the future bride and groom sit down and write out a list of qualities he or she loves about the other person. Then, he instructs them each to keep the list in a place where it can be visited often…because there will be times in a marriage when we need a reminder of all the good qualities.
This works with our children too! Take some time to sit down and make a list of all the great qualities you see in each of your children. Write them down and keep it in a place that it can be revisited quickly when you’re frustrated.
I also recommend that you share this list with your child. This is especially important for teenagers because there is just something in their brains that makes them feel like “All you ever care about is all the things I’m doing wrong!”
Seeing that you have taken the time to make a list of all the things you love about your son or daughter gives him or her the visual aid that he needs to prove it’s true–that you do think your son or daughter is pretty amazing!
- Zoom Out–
Sometimes, you have to zoom in on the details and focus on the sweet little things. Other times, you have to zoom out to see the big picture. There are all kinds of small things that my children do that drive me crazy! Sometimes, they even seem like big things and I’m not sure my children will EVER turn out!
Of course, small things can turn into big things if not nipped in the bud, so I’m definitely not telling you to ignore them. But don’t let them cloud your vision of who your child is.
One time, I was having a hard week, and of course, just then, a friend of mine texted me to ask how things were going. I was honest and I said, “Well, it’s been a rough day and I’m not the best mom.”
She texted these words back, “You can’t hang all of your parenting on one day.”
They were so profound in that moment. And it made me consider the same for my children–especially my more difficult children. Am I hanging it all on one day?
In the big picture, I have kids who are bold, and willing to stand alone when everyone else is ditching what they believe for the “flavor of the day.” In the big picture, my teenagers have been hard-working, good students, and responsible when I have needed them to step up to the plate.
My oldest son is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, once you get to know his heart.
He makes mistakes that I have to forgive…just the same way I do.
Big picture: I have great kids! (And once you start focusing on ALL the good, you do too!)
- Change the Words–
Just last week, I received one of the best pieces of advice for making my parenting more joy-filled. A friend of mine told me about an article she had read (I’m sorry! I don’t know the source!), that talked about an important mindset shift.
We are women. I know that you have a list a mile long running through your brain at ALL times of ALL the things that you have to get done! Soon, when we think about all the things we HAVE to do, parenting seems like such hard work!
And granted, parenting is hard work. But if we change that word “HAVE” to “get,” things start to change. Look at all the things we GET to do! What a privilege!
My friend is a daycare provider. She told me a story about a time when she asked some people, “Can you guess my job?” She gave them this clue: “I get to work from home and I get to have parties whenever I want.”
They could not guess. Why couldn’t they guess? Because most daycare providers would say something like, “I have to wipe snotty noses and take care of other people all day. I never have a break and I never get time to myself.”
But when she changed the words to what she gets to do, instead of what she has to do, others were completely confused!
I’m going to work on being more confusing and choosing to see parenting for the absolute privilege that it is instead of all the things on my HAVE to list.
- Choose Joy–
After last Sunday, I am working harder to choose joy. It really goes hand in hand with seeing parenting as a privilege, but it goes deeper than that. There is joy in all circumstances. And parenting can bring many difficult circumstances our way.
In the big picture, I have really great kids and I need to remember that. But what about those who are really struggling? What about those whose stories are VERY different? What about the moms who weep each night because their teenagers and young adult children are not making wise choices and are walking the road of the prodigal?
Is there joy in parenting when you walk through that? How can there be?
My dear friend has been through every possible thing you could imagine…times ten with her kids. Honestly, if someone made a movie out of her life, you probably would never believe it was based on a true story. She is a woman who has fought tooth and nail for her children.
I honestly don’t know how she has managed to do the things she has done–things that have taken more courage than I may ever have. And the sad thing is that she still has come up empty-handed. Even after all of it, her children are still not walking with the Lord.
She told me one day, “But the Lord is so good to me! I was reading my Bible and He showed me Isaiah 53:14 ‘All your children shall be taught by the Lord; and great shall be the peace of your children’.”
She chooses joy because she believes in a good God who will teach her children and bring them to a peace in Him.
- Children are a Reward–
The Bible says in Psalm 127:3 “Children are a gift from the Lord; they are His reward.” Children are a reward. Think about that though. What are the most rewarding experiences in life?
Receiving a “Finisher” medal after you ran your first marathon? Finally catching that huge fish after you’ve casted a thousand times? Making that final mortgage payment after working decades to finally own your own home?
It might be something completely different for you, but the concept is the same. A reward is something that comes after you’ve worked hard.
Years ago, we had a child from foster care in our care. When he came to us from his previous foster home, he was literally getting rewarded for getting out of bed in the morning. They sent sticker charts that were beautifully made, but ridiculous, in my opinion. If he showered, he got a sticker. When he got out of bed, he got a sticker. If he ate breakfast, he got a sticker. And on and on and on!
I was exhausted looking at the chart! He was being offered all kinds of rewards for things that he didn’t really need to work for. On top of that, seeing all those tasks that he was supposed to earn a sticker for each day, was overwhelming!
I can only imagine how overloaded his brain was with, “If I don’t do this, I won’t get my sticker” anxiety!
I don’t mean to criticize their foster parenting. His situation was very different from that of a child with a normal, healthy upbringing and I’m sure they were just doing their best. But the point is that’s not how rewards are supposed to work.
Children are a reward from God. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t have children aren’t worthy of the Lord’s reward. I’m sure He has something amazing planned for them!
I see it this way, “Children present the right challenges to create opportunities for reward.” Parenting is challenging! But no reward worth having comes without a challenge!
So, I have changed my thinking so I can be more joyful in parenting. At times, in the past, I have told others that “I have some challenging children.” Now, I realize that I need to say, “My children are very rewarding.” It is the absolute truth!
Final Thoughts on More Joyful Parenting
Writing this was challenging. It’s not easy being vulnerable and telling the world all the ways I have been wrong. But it is necessary. And it is rewarding. I told you from the start that you would always get honesty here and well, you got it!
But my hope is that by telling you all the ways I have failed, you will be able to look at yourself and ask, “Hmmm…do I need to change my perspective too?” Because, as my very wise pastor said, “This is a worldview that creeps in quietly.”
There is a difference between being real and being negative. Of course, you will find yourself in seasons, just like me, that are really challenging…and that is completely normal.
The question is, “When you find yourself in challenging seasons with your children, will you focus on the small details or the big picture? Will you focus on the challenge, or the reward that comes after the hard work?” The way you answer might determine whether you are finding joy in your parenting or not!
