We can learn something from everyone. We either learn what to do, or what not to do. I am so grateful to have had parents to teach me what to do in the field of parenting. I thought my happy childhood was the norm; but then I met more people and realized that parents have the ability to deeply wound their children. Maybe you have parents from whom you have learned what not to do! If that’s you, please do know that I can empathize because I have seen firsthand how that hurts. But take heart! There are others you can learn from instead. Though I have learned countless things from my parents, I’m going to share only five real-life lessons from my parents today!
My childhood was such a blessing to me that I pretty much always just dreamed of parenting the exact same way my parents did! My mom is quick to remind me that there were plenty of mistakes along the way, but I don’t remember very many. (Encouragement! Your children will not remember all of your mistakes!) (And for more on mistakes, check this out!)
Five Real-Life Lessons from my Parents
- Humility—
My parents are some of the humblest people I have ever met; however, even to my mom’s own admission, it wasn’t always that way. By her own admission, she spent a lot of years thinking she was doing something so right as a parent because she had children who fairly easily “fell into place.”
She now reminds me that she had different children than I have and that comparisons are rarely helpful. I have two older siblings who also have children. Our parenting styles are similar in many ways, but very different in others. My mom is the first to remind each of us that different children need different parenting. There is not a one-size-fits-all judgment on whether someone is doing it right or wrong!
Neither of my parents will ever tell you what they did right as parents. They are humble enough to say that any good thing came from God working through them and in us.
- Creative Correction—
I love Lisa Whelchel’s book, but my parents invented the concept of creative correction! If we couldn’t get along, we sat and held hands until we could work things out; If I stomped up the steps in an angry fit, my mom made me come back down and stomp harder. Then she would say, “I think you can do better” and make me do it again! Doing it because you were told to really takes the effect away!
I could give a lot of examples of the creative consequences my parents used to discipline us and maybe I will in a separate post, but one of the life lessons I learned from my parents in this area is that having a lot of different tools in the box is essential to good parenting. They believed that the discipline should match the crime and teach to the heart of the issue. While they may not have always done that perfectly, they did it extremely well.
- Expect Independence—
My parents didn’t only foster independence in their children, they expected it! I think my parents probably had higher expectations than most in most areas, but they were reasonable. For example, we didn’t get disciplined if we didn’t get the highest grade in the class, but we didn’t get praise for anything less. Our best was good enough, but our best was not impressive unless it was “the best.” Still, our effort was always recognized and accepted.
When it comes to independence, though, my parents expected us to get our stuff together and make it on our own. My mom always said, “I’m not going to eat hot dogs so you can eat steak!” In other words, you’re not going to live off me so you can have everything you want. I really appreciate and respect that mentality. My parents firmly believed that whatever is handed to you instead of earned, will usually do more harm than good.
My parents do have this way of striking such an incredible balance though. The expectations have always been for us to make it on our own, but they also supported us as we grew so that we would desire that independence and have the skills to achieve it. And yet, I know without a doubt that if I needed help because of circumstances beyond my control, my parents would be there in a heartbeat!
- Marriage Comes First!—
Growing up, there were two actions that would automatically put you at the top of the discipline ladder! That is, two things you could do that would result in the receiving the discipline my parents reserved only for “such a time as this.” They were lying and trying to triangulate parents. If we dared ask one parent after the other had already said, “no,” we went straight to the toughest discipline.
My parents made it VERY clear that no child would come between the two of them! I did not comprehend the power and necessity of this message until I had children of my own. It is so easy for our children to come between us when we are parenting. And if we allow them to, they will manipulate the situation masterfully. Then, what do we have left when our children leave? A broken marriage. Your children are going to leave you. You must maintain your marriage or you will have no one to share your life with once they leave.
- Live Your Faith—
There is not a more powerful testimony than a couple who is living their faith. Now, I know parents who have lived their faith and done all they could to raise their children to walk with the Lord, and their children have made different choices. That does not mean those parents are not living their faith or are not good parents. That could happen to each and every one of us!
However among the people I have met in my lifetime, the majority of people who have walked away from their faith never really had it in the first place. If you spend a lot of time going to church and preaching to your children, but your actions don’t back up your words, don’t be surprised if your children do not grow up practicing the same faith as you! Words without action is one of the leading causes of atheism in the world.
My parents live their faith daily. They taught it to us; they teach it to my kids. My parents know the Bible, but more importantly, they live the Bible. They have Christ seeping through their actions. Perfect? Absolutely not! Covered by the grace of God? Yes!
There are all kinds of life lessons parents pass down to our children—from our genetic features and personality traits, to basic skills such as how to make pot roast. But whether we realize it or not, we are not just teaching our children how to be decent human beings each day. They are learning how to be parents! Just let the gravity of that sink in for a moment.
I don’t say this to put more pressure on you—or myself—that’s the last thing I need right now! But knowing that does help us to be more intentional about our parenting and at the end of the day, we will be better moms for it!
Join the Conversation: What is something your parents have taught you?
RElated: Teaching Kids Respect for Authority
