In our family, we love the Raising a Modern-Day Knight book. If you haven’t read it, I highly suggest it, if you’re raising boys. It talks about how in most other cultures, they mark milestone birthdays, such as a boy’s thirteenth birthday, with something special, usually some sort of ceremony, as part of “becoming a man.”
From Bar Mitzvahs to Quincinieras, to “walking on hot coals” ceremonies, other cultures are celebrating the maturing of their children.
In our culture, however, we often don’t do this, and thus, we don’t view “becoming a man” as the high honor that it truly is. Maybe this is why so many young men struggle with Peter Pan Syndrome.
As a family, we do our best to mark milestones with a special ceremony for our sons, to encourage them to grow into godly men, with the idea that they will become independent, and leave us.
Both of our sons have turned thirteen, and I searched high and low to find ideas for making that milestone birthday special, pretty much to no avail! Why is this? Is no one making a thirteenth birthday celebration special?
I’m not sure, but regardless, I wanted to share some ideas with you for how to make your child (girl or boy) feel special when he turns thirteen.
How to Mark Milestone Birthdays in a Special Way:
- Celebrate—
Obviously, this is the time for a celebration. Perhaps making it a bit bigger of a deal than other birthdays is the way to make this one stand out. In our family, we give a milestone gift—bigger than normal birthday gifts, and a keepsake item.
This, in and of itself, makes the birthday stand out from others. The gift doesn’t have to break the bank either. Just think ahead about something that will be a keepsake to your child. Maybe it’s a piece of personalized jewelry for your daughter, or a special watch for your son.
Perhaps you could make this the time when you share your child’s baby book with him or her; or give him a guided journal that you have already written in.
My parents give their granddaughters a birthstone ring and their grandsons a pocket watch for their thirteenth birthdays. My nieces, nephew, and my own two sons have treasured these gifts. Obviously, it doesn’t have to be this gift, specifically, but try to choose something that will last—rather than the latest video game that will be tossed aside in a week.
- Involve Others—
For our sons’ thirteenth birthdays, we asked our extended family to write a letter to them with either some advice, words of wisdom, or a blessing or prayer for them. Each family gave the letters to our sons and our sons chose whether or not they wanted to share them.
The letters meant a lot to our sons! Each of them still has his letters in an envelope tucked away in his keepsake drawer.
This not only meant a lot to our sons, but to us, as parents. There is something so powerful in knowing that others are praying for your children! It was encouraging for me to see that and know it because if I’m completely honest, I don’t always feel it.
- Pray—
Some have chosen to involve extended family in a special prayer for their teen, as well. This is another powerful way to get the extended family involved, if you, and your teen, feel comfortable.
Please be conscientious of the fact that not everyone is comfortable praying aloud in front of others, or praying over someone while others are listening. Because of this, it may not be the best way to involve the rest of your family.
However, if that is not an issue for you, or any of your family members, then, why not include them?
It really doesn’t matter how you do it, but do it. Your teenager needs to know that you uphold him in prayer, and it’s great to know that he has more than his parents in his corner, interceding on his behalf.
Offer a prayer for your new teenager, and make a commitment, at least to yourself, to pray for your teen regularly. There are so many things coming at them daily—so many choices and it’s so easy to make the wrong choice. They need us to intercede on their behalves, daily, hourly, sometimes every minute!
- Choose Special Gifts with Meaning—
For our sons’ thirteenth birthdays, we held a “ceremony” with just our immediate family, at which each member of the family presented him with a special gift that represented something important.
Our youngest daughter had just turned four when our oldest son turned thirteen. We had only finalized her adoption a couple of months before his birthday. So, she chose to give him a picture of our family and when she gave it to him, she said, “Because family is important.” (Yes, there were tears…out of her mom…AND dad!)
My son gave him a box of Runts candy to represent the fruit of the Spirit; our other daughter gave him two of his favorite candy bars, “because God gives second chances;” My husband gave him a flaming arrow at the ceremony; and I gave him a rock to remind him to keep his feet on the Rock. I also gave him a book of 13 things I want my 13-year-old to know.
The best part is that each of these gifts was thought of by the giver. Our daughter was only seven when she thought of giving him two candy bars! It was so special to see the thought she put into it!
Our other son’s ceremony was similar, but with different gifts. His gifts included Play-Doh—a reminder to stay soft and easily molded by God; fruit snacks—a reminder of the fruit of the Spirit; a water bottle—a reminder that Jesus is the Living Water; a trap—a reminder to be careful of Satan’s traps.
I honestly wasn’t sure if these gifts would mean anything to our sons or not. At one point, I saw one son’s gifts seemingly thrown in a shoe box in his room. But one day, I came upstairs and my son said, “Mom, come and look! We cleaned our room!” And there, laid out on the dresser (in total guy fashion, I might add), were the ceremony gifts!
- Skip the Pressure of Perfection—
I don’t know about you, but I always want things to be perfect for my kids’ birthdays…especially their milestone birthdays! And sometimes, especially in the past, I have been so stressed out about making things perfect that I have probably ruined, at least some aspects of, their birthdays! Not cool.
I remember my oldest son’s first birthday party. I had everything mapped out and all was going according to schedule. Then, my aunt and my sister-in-law decided to show up early…with little kids. I was SO IRRITATED!
It completely threw everything off and I hadn’t put the finishing touches on my house. Plus, by the time everyone came, their kids had made messes and my house was no longer perfect!
Humble moment here…I was so unwelcoming of them. It was so gross. And the worst part is that they had just been in town and finished up early, and my sister-in-law said, “Oh, let’s just go over early. She won’t mind at all!” And THAT’S who I wanted to be…but that’s not who I was in that very ugly moment.
Thankfully, I have learned a lot and grown a lot. The things that make my children’s birthday parties perfect are the people who come! It’s not about having a spotless house, or perfect decorations, and a perfect cake. It’s about having fun and celebrating everything that makes your child special.
I know I’m not alone in this. I once heard one of my children’s friends say, “Sometimes, I hate my birthday. My mom gets so stressed about hosting company that she spends at least two days just yelling at us to clean up the house. I’d rather not have a party at all.”
I don’t tell you that to throw that mom under the bus. I tell you that because it resonated with me.
Seeing it from a kid’s perspective—and probably a perspective VERY close to my own children’s—really changed my view on birthday parties. I’m so thankful that I learned that lesson fairly early in my days of parenting! I hope it frees you too!
Final Thoughts on Celebrating Milestone Birthdays
If you haven’t made a big deal out of milestone birthdays, it’s okay. It’s not going to ruin your children! But I will say that while milestone birthdays may not seem like a big deal to one child, they might be a really big deal for the next!
My birthday happened to fall pretty much right at high school graduation time. And the way the children in my family were spaced out, it just so happened that my thirteenth birthday was the same year my oldest brother graduated.
My parents were so busy getting ready for graduation that my birthday was definitely not a priority. I know it wasn’t intentional, but that was one of very few negative memories I have of my childhood.
When I turned sixteen, my other brother was graduating. My parents definitely put a little more effort in, but still, graduation plans took precedence.
And guess who was graduating when I turned eighteen? That was me. But I give my parents all the credit in the world because my other two milestones may have been disappointing, but they learned. And for my eighteenth birthday, they threw me a big surprise party!
It was so special! It took them a while to get it, but they did get it. And that is what good parents do. They learn.
My older brothers couldn’t have cared less about their milestone birthdays, or at least that’s how they acted, but that wasn’t the same for me.
I actually thought my sons might think having a ceremony was stupid. I could have asked them if they wanted it, but they both probably would have said, “no.” But you don’t get to know the impact that it makes until much later usually.
So, maybe a ceremony is not your thing. That’s okay! But do find a special way to mark those milestones! It might be more important than you realize!
RElated: Plan a Growing Up Talk With Your Daughter
