The Biggest Motivator for My Teenager
Today, I’m sharing my recently discovered secret weapon. It has been an absolute game-changer for motivating my teenage son. It’s not necessarily a secret, but in some ways, it’s counterintuitive enough that I think people discount it. It is the biggest motivator for my teenager.
Before I jump right to it, though, you do need to understand some basics about teenagers. First of all, we can motivate teenagers with either rewards or consequences. And right about the time you think you know whether yours is motivated by rewards or consequences, things will change…just to keep you guessing!
My oldest son, traditionally, has only been motivated by consequences. Plain and simple. If I needed him to do something, for the most part, I had to very sternly say, “If you don’t, (attach consequence here).” And then, I had to be ready to follow through on that!
I have always wondered if I could trust him with responsibility because he is a terrifying combination of fearlessness and adventure. He remains a mysterious mixture of Dennis the Menace and Curious George with just enough pyromania mixed in to make things really interesting!
Let me just say that this is not the child that I have felt comfortable giving a lot of responsibility.
However, at a young age, I noticed that the more responsibility I trusted him with, the more responsibly he acted.
I saw this happen again last Spring, at the height of COVID-19. A local store needed extra help because most of their employees were in the high-risk category and chose to stay home from work. After the loss of his part-time job with very few hours due to the government shut-downs, he started working at the local “essential services” store to fill in.
He ended up working nearly 40 hours a week and still had to complete all of his school work! And yet, he absolutely rose to the challenge. He did well with his school work. (And he was homeschooled so we weren’t “just getting through the rest of the year” like everyone else.)
Eventually, people started returning to work, and they didn’t need him any longer, just in time for him to completely wreck his shoulder and need surgery. He was laid up for nearly six months and was intensely difficult to live with.
Why? He was BORED! At a time when all he had to do was chores and schoolwork, I could hardly motivate him to do either.
Finally, about a month ago, the doctor cleared him to start work and participate in activities again. I have watched my teenager go from boy to man overnight! He works an early morning shift and has risen as early as 4:15 am to complete his schoolwork before he goes to work!
He comes home around 2:00 and finishes up and gets a head start on tomorrow’s assignments in order to stay ahead.
So, all that to illustrate that the best-kept secret to motivate teenagers is for them to GET A JOB!
And I know it seems counterintuitive, especially if your teen is already not keeping up with his schoolwork. It seems like adding another responsibility to his plate will take time away from his schoolwork and cause even more stress and issues with completing it.
I hear you. But here are five reasons that your teen getting a job is a good thing…and certainly, at least worth trying!
5 Reasons Having a Job Motivates Your Teen
- It Creates the “Pressure” that Procrastinators Need–
Most teenagers are at least experimenting with procrastination, if not full-fledged procrastinators. They don’t do their assignments until the very last minute…because it can wait.
But when your teenager adds a job to his or her plate, there may not always be time later. He or she will learn what it’s like to get home from work and then still have to study and cram assignments in.
It doesn’t take too long before he or she learns that that’s not super fun and typically, will start to manage time a little better.
I highly recommend The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, by Sean Covey for teaching teens time management.
- It Allows Your Teen to Wade into Adulthood Slowly–
Teenagers are caught between the world of kids and the world of adults. Often, they face adult decisions and we expect them to act like adults. But even more often, we treat them as children.
Sometimes, they act as children, but expect the privileges of adults!
Expecting your teenager to get a job is often motivation to act more like an adult. After all, this is what adults do! Hopefully, your teenager has observed other responsible adults in his life who get up and get themselves to work every day without anyone making sure they do it.
And because teenagers really believe they are adults, by you allowing and expecting them to get jobs and act like responsible adults, it shows them that you have faith in their abilities.
- It Gives a Sense of Purpose–
Another struggle for teens is that they see no purpose in doing schoolwork. They see no purpose in even going to school half the time!
This year has given students an especially legitimate argument too! With so many students trying to either do in-person learning while not being able to get oxygen to their brains, or trying to do online learning with a million tabs open and computer games calling their names, schools just haven’t been able to do a lot as far as providing quality education.
Don’t get me wrong! I know there are a lot of teachers out there who are working harder than ever to make sure students are learning, but overall, I think we can all agree that school has generally stunk this year for everyone involved.
When teens don’t see a purpose in what they are doing, they don’t do it. Plain and simple.
However, if your teen has a job, he immediately sees purpose there. It might take a bit of convincing your teenager to get a job because he may not recognize the purpose until he receives that first paycheck. But once that happens, instant purpose!
Then, you can tie in the law–that a teenager has to go to school, so if he wants to keep his job, he needs to keep up his schoolwork.
- It Builds Responsibility–
I would venture to say that many teens and children are like my son. We have to trust them with responsibility that they have not necessarily proven they can handle, before they actually handle it. It means that you have to take a risk on your child.
And telling your teenager that is often what he needs to hear.
“It’s a lot of responsibility and I haven’t necessarily seen you handle responsibility well, but I believe in you and I’m willing to take a chance on you.”
It’s honest, but positive and hopefully, motivating.
When you show your teenager that you believe in her, she will be more likely to rise to the challenge.
- It Alleviates Boredom–
Another reason that teenagers are often not motivated to do anything is because they have become lethargic. That is especially true for this year as well. We have taken away all of their social interactions (another bonus of having a job!), and replaced with learning with screen time. And don’t even get me started on the excessive amounts of time teens are spending on screens!
What do we expect?
Many teens have thrived and taken responsibility for their education, becoming more independent in their learning. But others have struggled because they are bored! Often, it’s not because they don’t understand the school material. Instead, it’s either delivered in a poor manner, or it’s simply too easy for them.
When a teenager must hold down a job, in addition to going to school, it not only adds something to his plate to be doing, but it gives application for what they are learning.
Throughout high school, I worked as a cashier at the local grocery store and even though the cash register calculated things for me, I memorized so many math facts from working there. My quick math skills when pricing items in the store have impressed my children many times.
When your teenager takes on more responsibility, boredom is no longer a problem.
Final Thoughts on Motivating Your Teenager
So, the secret to motivating your teenager is to let him get a job! But what happens when your teenager doesn’t want to get a job?
Yes. I’ve been there.
We went around and around with my oldest son about getting a job! We recognized that he was severely lacking in social interaction and that was causing a lot of general grumpiness. But he came up with every reason under the sun to not get a job.
Remember, he is motivated by consequences. Finally, we gave him a deadline. If he wanted to choose where he worked, he needed to take care of it by a certain deadline. Otherwise, we would choose a job for him.
At one point, he had a job interview lined up and he said to me, “Well, you know I could just bomb the interview so I don’t get the job.”
So, I replied, “Okay, but if you do that, you’re going to be working for me–for free.”
If your teenager lacks the motivation, you might need to make life a little less “cushy” for him. If your teenager wants to act like a child, then she gets the privileges a child would get.
Maybe your teenager thinks he should make all of his own decisions. Okay, if he wants to be an adult, he can be an adult–in every way. He can start paying rent, cooking his own meals, washing his own clothes, and buying his own food.
Making life a little tougher often provides the right amount of motivation your teenager needs.
It’s tough love and usually harder on the mom than the child! But, like all things, it’s an investment. Anything worth having is only gained through hard work!
Today is Saturday and both of my teenagers were up before 7:00 am because they’re used to getting up early. Dressed, fed, showered, and ready to conquer the day by 7:30 am without being told to do any of it!
I had to make life tough for my son to motivate him to get a job, but seeing him grow up so fast and taking responsibility is absolutely worth the investment!
