I’m definitely entering that stage of parenting. My oldest son is pulling away from me. It’s a slow fade…we have traditionally been really close, I think. In fact, even as he is pulling away from me, he still talks to me more than most teenagers talk to their moms, or so I hear from other moms.
But, as a mom, you know your kid, and you know when things are changing. He doesn’t laugh at my sarcastic comments as much; he’s less interested in what I have to say; he answers with an unengaged, “mmm-hmm.” And though it’s not easy, it’s good. Because the entire purpose of parenting is to raise children who can pull away and be decent, independent adults.
Of course, I want to keep a relationship with my son. But I have to let that relationship change into what it ought to be. All too soon, he will leave the safety of my little mess…I mean, nest, and eventually become best friends with another woman. And I do not want to be the mom holding on so tightly that I can’t let that happen!
I don’t think that letting go and allowing your children to become adults has to mean that you can’t have a relationship, but moms of boys need to let go in a different way and we need to be happy when our sons are pulling away and wanting to BE MEN!
If we cannot let go, though, that is when the relationship is jeopardized. I have seen, firsthand, what happens to a man and his mom when the mom can’t allow him to grow up and be a man. Many people hurt!
If the man chooses his mom, he ends up miserable and usually dies alone. If the man chooses his wife, his mom ends up miserable.
Someone ends up miserable in that scenario every.single.time because that is not how God designed men! When we go against God’s plan and design, relationships are hurt and misery ensues. As the mom, in that situation, you have a lot of power! You can allow your son to pull away and see God’s plan for him fulfilled. Or you can manipulate and try to control, causing a lot of pain along the way.
Here’s the thing though. First of all, I haven’t had a son who has left to get married and be a man yet, so I’m definitely not claiming to be an expert, nor am I claiming that it’s going to be easy. But as my son pulls away, I do think there are things I can be doing to keep a relationship with him, even though it’s changing. There is room in his life for more than just me!
How to Keep a Relationship With a Teenage Son Who is Pulling Away
- It’s Not About Me!—
Because things are changing for us, my sons are engaging in conversations with their dad more often now and going to him with questions and problems instead of me. I know moms who get extremely jealous of that because they feel they’re being replaced.
Nope! We need to get over that mindset because that is a lie straight from Satan. Hear me, fellow mom—No one will ever replace you in your child’s life! No one! If you start to feel that you’ve been replaced, call it out as the lie it is and keep moving forward.
It doesn’t matter if you feel replaced by your husband, your son’s friends, girlfriend, or wife. NONE of those people will EVER be his mom! Stop believing that lie right now!
Plus, my husband and I are partners in this! I’m thrilled that my sons have a dad they can go to and if that means I am stepping out of that picture more and more, then so be it.
Parenting is not about me! It’s not where I get my worth or my value from. One day, I’m not going to be parenting anymore…so I better not find my identity in my children. Parenting is about my kids, the adults they become, and most importantly, it’s about God. It’s His work and we just get the privilege of helping our Father!
- Engage—
My teenagers still can be quite chatty…except, let me be honest, not about topics I particularly enjoy. Do I need every single detail about the deer you saw on your way home? Was I dying to know how big the fish your best friend caught yesterday was? Oh, and I definitely needed to know the exact type of lure he was using!
I wonder if these are the SAME things that our husbands tune out when we tell them how many pounds and inches our friends’ babies were or the exact color of paint our friends’ bathrooms are! Yeah. I’m thinking that’s pretty likely.
In any case, if you want your teenagers to talk to you, especially your sons, you need to engage in what they are talking about, whether it’s of interest to you or not! If they think for one moment that you’re not interested, it will pretty much be over.
My sons love to give me detailed accounts of their dreams in the morning. I am a morning person, but I work in the mornings and well, don’t really want to hear every detail of their dreams. (We’re talking REM dreams—not life dreams!) But if I want them to keep talking to me, I have to listen to what they have to say!
Give your full attention and engage in a conversation. You might learn something new!
- Don’t “Talk”—
My sons don’t necessarily want to sit down and talk, but they will throw a football with me! Play a game with your kid; go for a run together; play a game of one on one, or whatever your son is into. You don’t have to “talk” to have a relationship. Most guys are less verbal than most women. We know this! It goes for our teenage sons too!
Allow your son to pull away and become a man. That means that he’s not going to be like you! How many men do you know that call up a friend to just “talk?” No. They call up a friend and go fishing, golfing, hunting, etc.
My relationships with my teenage sons are a lot better when I go to the them and engage and participate in things they like to do.
- Encourage Other Relationships—
If your son is not just pulling away, but shutting you out, that is hurtful and difficult. It’s understandable for you to feel jealous in that situation, but I’m telling you not to, even though it’s completely natural. I hear lots of great things about my son’s friend’s parents! They are amazing! He talks about them like they are SO MUCH BETTER than the parents he has…and if I could count the number of times he has asked if he could live with a friend!
Yeah. His friend’s parents are cool and fun because…they don’t have to parent my kid! Of course! That’s very normal. Don’t be angry about that.
I want my son to have godly adults in his life that he could go to if he felt he couldn’t talk to me or to my husband about something. If my son ends up in a crisis situation, I want him to have someone that he can trust and respect to go to.
That definitely can FEEL like you’re not a good parent. Your own kid didn’t even come to you when he or she was in trouble, right? Yeah. I totally get that.
But again, you need to call that out as a lie from Satan. He loves to use our feelings to manipulate us, doesn’t he? You cannot trust feelings! Instead, be grateful that someone was there for your kid when you couldn’t be.
Remember—these are not our kids, right? They are God’s! He trusts us with these kids and He chose us for these kids! But we are ALL just trying to bring others one step closer to the cross. Our children are God’s work and we are privileged to be used by Him to do that work. Another trusted adult in a kid’s life is just doing that too.
One more thing—I have been the other person in a couple of different crisis situations with kids who were not mine. I am so thankful to have been in the right place at the right time and under NO circumstances did I ever once think that the parents were not doing their jobs well!
- Be Thankful!—
If your son is pulling away from you, he is developing appropriately! Be thankful for this!
I recently visited with a mom of five—four boys and one girl. Two of her sons are adults. They were both married fairly young and she shared with me, “When people asked me what I thought about my sons getting married, I said, ‘I just don’t think it’s really ever wise to try to tell two people who think they should be married, not to get married!’” Then, she added, “I just wanted to see my sons marry women who made them want to be men!”
I have known of plenty of women who have made their sons choose between them and another woman. I have seen it play out both ways, but if the son chooses his mom, it’s never good! The bottom line is that if you have raised your son in a healthy way, he will always choose his wife, or the woman he wants to have as his wife, over his mom. This is how God intended it, so instead of trying to change that, be thankful that your son is following God’s perfect design!
Letting go is not easy. I’m only at the beginning of what I expect will become an ever-changing relationship that will never be the same as it once was! As my son continues pulling away from me, I don’t expect it to be simple or even smooth, but I am hopeful that if I practice what I preach and keep these things in mind, it will be a very good thing!
There is room in your son’s life for more than one person, just as there is room in your life for more than one! Do we forget that we can love each of our children equally and think that our children can’t?
Final Thoughts on a Son’s Pulling Away
Please remember that if your son is pulling away from you, it’s not a reflection on whether or not he loves you, or whether or not he wants you in his life. It is a reflection on his growth and development and nothing more. No one will ever replace you!
Instead of being insecure when your son talks about another person, who is “better than you,” show him what a strong, confident mom looks like! My son told me a few days ago, “Well, my friends and I often compare parents and they all agree that I have the strictest.” I replied, “Wow! Thank you! That means I’m doing something right!”
He said, “No, Mom, my friends all say they would hate having parents like you guys.” And I said, “Well, I don’t need 15 year-old friends, so that sounds like a win-win!” I could have been upset and fussed that he was talking badly about me to his friends, but instead, he saw that I was confident and secure.
I don’t expect my teenage sons to like me. Most teens don’t. And there are many disagreements and I’m making mistakes along the way. I’m learning how to reconcile with my teenager far more than I ever wanted! But that same son came and put his head on my shoulder the other day and said, “I love you, Mom.” For no good reason at all!
Allowing my son to pull away when he needs, but still being there when he needs to come back for reassurance is allowing us to have a healthier relationship right now. As with all things, it will probably change quickly, but for now, my son is talking to me regularly and making room for me in his life. I couldn’t ask for much more!
RElated: Letting Go and Trusting God
