Raising teenagers can be incredibly difficult. My relationship with my oldest son is in a constant roller coaster state right now, and it’s taxing at best. Some days are more difficult than others, but right now, we are just, overall, in a difficult place. And I’m just going to level with you here…some days, my teenager makes me so mad!
Don’t get me wrong. In the grand scheme of things, I still have it pretty easy, because at this point, my son is not a prodigal. If you are parenting a prodigal child, please know that my heart is full of compassion, as I know your heart is breaking.
I am very thankful that it is evident that the Holy Spirit is still working in his heart. I cling to that often.
But we, like most people who are in a relationship with a teenager, have our moments that are pretty ugly.
Yesterday was one of those days. And while it would be easy to go on a full rant about all the things he did wrong, here’s the thing. There are things I’m doing wrong! And it’s humbling…and sometimes down-right embarrassing. But sharing my mistakes with you might help you with your relationship when your own teenager is making your blood boil.
Tips for Maintaining a Relationship with Your Child Through the Teenage Years
- Remember that your teen is not an adult—
This one can be SO HARD for me! I have to constantly remind myself that my son is not an adult. His brain has not fully developed, so he cannot be held to the exact same standards as other adults in my life.
The problem is that teenagers like to think they’re adults! After the dust had settled and we were trying to work things out, I seriously sat across the table from my son last night as he gave me a “lesson on parenting.” I thought I was going to have an anyeurism! As he manipulated Bible verses to fit what he wanted (and actually misquoted them on top of it), my blood pressure was topping the charts, I’m sure.
There he sat, trying to tell my husband and me how to parent him more effectively.
And I’m proud of myself for the fact that I tried to hear him out, thinking that maybe he was going to give me some gem that would be a window into his soul. But no. It was basically, “You know, if you didn’t have so many rules, I wouldn’t break them.”
Okay. Lesson learned.
Teenagers THINK they are adults and even know MORE than adults…but as adults, we need to know that they’re not. You have to think of it sort of like your little child dressing up in his dad’s clothes.
The shoes are far too big to fill at that tender age, but he wants to be like Dad. Or she wants to be like Mom. When teenagers try to act more adult than they are, it can be annoying; however, it’s a good thing. It shows there is a desire to become an adult, and that is a sign of healthy brain development.
But for now, understand that as the adult in the relationship, there will be some frustrating moments, as you try to communicate to basically a toddler in an adult body! Their brains are going through so many changes and reconstruction.
Thinking of it in those terms may be frustrating, but if you can think back to how you used to communicate with your toddler—giving short instructions while making eye contact; communicating EVERY EXPECTATION VERY CLEARLY; and making sure to recognize and call out positive behaviors are just as important to parenting teens!
- Be careful who you vent to—
Yesterday, when I was so angry with my son’s behavior, I made a grave mistake. I vented to my mom about it. My mom is my best friend (other than my husband, but he was at work), and I respect her perspective on things.
But she is also my son’s grandma. And he doesn’t necessarily want me broadcasting his sin.
And that was incredibly humbling for me because I don’t want my sin broadcast either!
So, I was on the phone and he walked downstairs, heard what I was saying, and said, “Mom! Seriously?”
He was right.
But I didn’t apologize at that moment. I justified it. After all, I needed someone to hear me in my anger! There were several ways to justify my venting…but here’s the truth.
Proverbs 29:11 states: “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man holds it in check.”
I understand the need to vent sometimes. We all need someone we can go to who will support us, encourage us, and speak truth to us. But if you can, in any way, please try to make your safe person—the person you can vent to—someone who does not know your child, or is not close to your child.
So often, we are friends with others who are in our same circles. Our children are in the same circles. It is not fair to vent to someone who will not allow your child to grow and develop. It is not fair to vent to someone who will keep this on his or her permanent record, so to speak.
And though my mom would never hold this against my son forever, it humiliated him because he doesn’t want to disappoint his grandma. I love the relationship my mom and my son have. I need to do my part to help them keep that relationship and not inadvertently damage it!
- Take some time to regroup—
I promise that you won’t regret saying, “Go hang out in your room for awhile and we’ll discuss this later.”
When your teenager is making you crazy and angry, emotions run high—like it, or not. The situation can escalate so quickly and before you know it, you’ve said things you will regret later, and sometimes, maybe even have caused permanent damage.
Yesterday, I listened to Dr. Ron Welch, a marriage counselor who borrowed this idea from a colleague of his: It’s the Niagara Falls picture.
Obviously, when you think of Niagara Falls, you think of a roaring, waterfall. But the concept is that if you go a couple of miles upstream from Niagara Falls, the water is actually peaceful. Here is where you can make a decision about whether or not to go further and eventually, go over the falls.
The same is true of conflict. If you can make a choice BEFORE the situation escalates, you are far more likely to achieve a healthy outcome. But once you’re over the edge, there’s really no turning back.
Take some time to regroup apart. Then, come back together to work things out. This way, you’ll avoid saying things you don’t really mean; over-reacting, or reacting harshly; and having to apologize later! (I’m all for avoiding the need to apologize!)
- Be Humble—
If you do, however, mess up, be humble! I can’t believe how many people tell me, “I have never heard my parents apologize!” Some have told me they never heard their parents apologize to each other or to their kids! Or…most often, it’s that one parent will apologize, but the other won’t.
Your kids are not stupid! You are raising them to be smart, intelligent, young adults so you can expect that they would recognize when you’re wrong.
I need you to hear me! You absolutely gain respect in your children’s eyes when you recognize for yourself that you are wrong, then go and apologize. Your children will lose respect for you almost instantly once you become “the one who never apologizes.”
I mean, do you really expect ANYONE on this Earth to believe that you are actually perfect? Or that you NEVER make a mistake?!
As soon as you take that attitude, your child views you as the only dummy in the world who actually thinks that!
When you are dealing with your teenager, you WILL make mistakes! The question is, “Will your mistakes cause permanent damage?”
Most often, the only mistakes that cause permanent damage are the ones left to fester because of unforgiveness. I find that my children are incredibly forgiving of me when I am humble. It means so much to them. I can see the softening in my son’s face immediately when I say, “Hey, I’m sorry that I overreacted. I didn’t need to yell.”
In those moments, my son sees me as human, and he has compassion for me. It is a good reminder that he still cares…and I would never get to see that if I didn’t humble myself and go to him to ask forgiveness.
I am far from perfect, but in our household, sin on my part is usually instigated by sin on my children’s parts. My teenager argues CONSTANTLY…like, ALL.THE.TIME! (Seriously, I say, “Listen to me” and he immediately starts talking back. What part of “listen to me” means SPEAK?!?) It makes my blood boil ridiculously fast.
And that is usually what causes me to sin. So, of course, he should need to come to me and apologize first, right?
WRONG!
Sin is sin. Do you put up with that with your children? “I did this because he did this first!” Nah. Sin is sin.
So, we need to ask ourselves, “What was my sin in this?” And then, we need to take the first steps. Why? Because we are modeling the right behavior to our teenagers!
More importantly, we are modeling what God does for us. He has not even wronged us, and yet, he pursues our hearts! We are the ones who have sinned and need forgiveness; but God doesn’t just leave us in our sin. He pursues us and calls us to Himself.
We need to model this in our relationships with our teenagers too. It is my job to go to my son to reconcile our relationship JUST AS MUCH as it is his job! If we both wait stubbornly and pin it on the other person, where do we end up?
Be humble and go take the first steps toward reconciliation. Remember that what you do now may not leave an impact immediately, but your teen is still watching.
Final Thoughts on What to do When Your Teenager Makes You So Mad
Remember, there are lasting effects of your choices, just as you try to teach your teens there are lasting effects to his or her choices. When my teen makes me crazy, things go so much better if I can take a second and remember what it was like to be a teen.
Sympathy and empathy go a long way.
In fact, I often start a reconciliation conversation with, “I remember what it was like being a teenager. It’s hard. It’s not something I would ever want to have to go through again. I get that things are not easy for you right now.”
It makes a huge difference! Saying things like, “Oh, you think you have it hard? Just wait until you have bills to pay and a family to feed!” does not help! Your child will not be able to relate to that until he or she has actually lived that.
In addition, is it really a competition for who has it worse? No. This is about your relationship with your child!
When your teenager exasperates you, the most important thing you could possibly do is to take a second to take a deep breath and think!
A few years ago, we visited a waterfall in Utah. We had to walk over a bridge with a stream that was flowing rapidly in order to get to our destination. I warned my children to stay as far away from that stream as possible.
It wasn’t very wide, so they assumed it wasn’t very deep, but that water was MOVING! We later found out that only a few days before, a child had fallen into this stream and was swept away by the water. His mother, without thinking, immediately jumped in after him and when a bystander saw what was happening, he jumped in after both of them.
All three of them drowned.
They were all swept away by the rapid current.
Arguing with your teenager is similar to this picture. It’s as though your teen is falling into the fast-moving stream, and it’s really up to you whether or not you get swept away along with him.
A few days ago, I got swept away too…and so I needed to take the steps toward reconciliation so that I could get our relationship back on its foundation. If only I had just taken a step back and taken a breath!
