My daughter is moody…at best. She is a lovely girl when she wants to be. It’s just that she doesn’t want to be all that often! I know that biological children can be this way too; but it’s just different with adopted children. Why? Because just as they feel the need to earn our approval and acceptance, we feel the same need—our adopted children just don’t know it! Also, because adopted children don’t have the same security that biological children are naturally born with, it’s even more important to keep your cool when parenting your adopted child.
Yesterday, my daughter was in a bad mood! I honestly have no idea why she was so angry with me! I asked her multiple times, but she didn’t have a reason. She was disobedient, disrespectful, and finally, I told her to go upstairs and lay down on my bed.
After a bit, I went up to try to get to the bottom of things. I looked her in the eyes and said, “Can you tell my why you’re so angry?” She replied, “I’m not angry. I don’t love you.”
Ouch.
It hurt, but I knew she was looking for a reaction, so I replied, “Oh. I’m sorry to hear that, but I still love you! And I will never stop!” (By the way, we have been down this road MANY times before!) And she said again, “Well, I don’t love you.”
I said, “Well, I know you’re angry and you want to hurt me, but you can’t make me stop loving you.”
Then she said, “I don’t want to hurt you.” I said, “Oh, why are you saying something so unkind then?”
She looked me right in the eyes and said, “Because I don’t [love you].” Just as calm as a lake at sunset.
Okay. I was not ready for that! It definitely stung more than usual and more than I expected!
Remember that video that went viral of the little girl adopted from China who said to her mom, “My heart fell in love with you when I saw you!”? Yeah. That’s not the little girl from China that I got!
But the little girl from China who is my daughter is a beautiful, resilient, and insanely strong little girl! And I wouldn’t change her for a moment!
Here’s the thing that most parents forget when parenting adopted children…but IT’S SO IMPORTANT!
I promised to love and care for my daughter, but she NEVER promised to love ME!
And that is incredibly hard.
Please don’t misunderstand. Sometimes, there are legitimate attachment issues that make it impossible for an adoptive family to keep an adopted child and if you have gone through that, you will find absolutely no judgement here! (In fact, I hope you’ll reach out to me because I will offer you all kinds of empathy and support!)
But sometimes, it’s just that we forget that this isn’t a marriage. Both people involved don’t make promises. Only the parents make the promises and have to stick to them, whether or not the adopted child reciprocates the love.
So, what do you do when your adopted child says such hurtful things? You keep your cool! That doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but you have to stay calm, and remain unshaken (or at least fake it ‘til you make it!)
Five Important Strategies for Parenting Your Adopted Child
- Lead with Compassion—
Always, always remember that your child has lost SO MUCH! Even though adoption has been such a beautiful thing for our family, my daughter lost her birth mom. She lost her culture and her homeland. Her birth mom lost her child too. Our daughter was also taken care of by a family who loved her very much. They lost her. And even though she didn’t become attached to them, she still lost them and their extended family too.
Adoption is rooted in loss. Don’t forget that just because you are overjoyed to call that child yours, doesn’t mean that sadness and loss goes away for your child. Your child will never learn compassion if you don’t model it to her! Do the very best you can to lead with compassion in whatever you do!
- Be Consistent—
My daughter is pretty hard-headed. She and her oldest brother, (who is our biological child) were cut from the same cloth! She has such a strong will. But there is also a soft heart underneath that armor.
For years, she pushed me away so hard. She told me every day, “You’re not my mom!” and “I don’t love you!” I would be a total liar if I said it wasn’t hard. Of course, hearing those words broke my heart!
But I knew that she was testing me. I used to “win” the battle by saying, “I will always love you. Nothing you can do will make me stop.” And then I prayed that she didn’t view that as a challenge! And I know that, at times, she did see it as an invitation to try other things that she thought might make me stop loving her.
I have had to be consistent! But that’s how I do it. I dig my heels in just as hard as she does, but instead of saying mean, hurtful things, I come back at her with love. After four years, I think we’re moving forward.
- Keep Gratitude in Perspective—
Please listen to me. Your child is not required to be grateful for what you have done for him. So often, we think that we are rescuing a child from poverty, an orphanage, despair, a bad, or unsafe situation, and many other things. Society even tells us how “lucky he is to have you!” or “You’re a hero to rescue her!”
That can really be damaging to an adoptive situation. First of all, children don’t think like adults. When a child lives in an orphanage and knows nothing different, he doesn’t know it’s bad! Either way, he has been taken from EVERYTHING he knows—familiar faces, toys, meals, and places. He’s NOT going to thank you for that–maybe ever, but definitely not immediately.
However, I do expect my adopted daughter to be polite and to be grateful for things she has. I want to teach her gratitude—but not to me—I want to help her cultivate gratitude toward God! Instead of hoping your child will recognize all the things you’ve done for her, focus on teaching her what God has done for her. He saved you and he saved your child. It’s something you have in common!
And then, model it! If you don’t model gratitude, she won’t learn it.
- Put Things In Spiritual Terms—
When my daughter told me she didn’t love me, I couldn’t help but think of how God must feel when the people He has created, loved, and rescued from sin, tell Him the same thing!
I actually said to my daughter: “I bet it makes God feel so sad when people don’t love Him even though He loves them so much. I know it makes me feel sad to hear that you don’t love me.” And she replied, “Well, I love Jesus even though I don’t love you.”
And you know something? I will TAKE THAT! I would far rather have all of my children choose Jesus over me! If they only have room in their hearts to love one person, let it be Him!
I explained to my daughter that we can love more than one person and used my love for her and her siblings as an example, but she’s only six. So, if she has to choose, I’ll play second fiddle to Jesus ALL DAY LONG!
- Ask, “Who is That?”—
Once in a while, if my daughter is throwing a tantrum, or speaking very unkindly, I just quickly say, “Oh, who is that?” It usually catches her off guard. One time, she stopped and looked at me in a puzzled way and said, “Mom, IT’S ME!” I said to her, “Oh! Really? Because my sweet girl doesn’t act like this. I must not have recognized you!”
I only use this when things are really off the chain because it will definitely lose its effectiveness if I use it too often! But for now, it shocks her enough to settle down for a bit!
Final Thoughts on Parenting Your Difficult, Adopted Child
Handling your adopted child’s moods can be extremely difficult, but you can do it! (Though, there are some issues that you might just need to ask for help with.) With some patience and perseverance, you can make it through! Whatever she throws at you, DON’T take it personally! That’s the key to sticking with it and staying calm. Understand that your child is a survivor. There’s a reason he made it through orphanage or foster care life. Show your child the unconditional love he is longing for—even when he can’t accept it yet.
Our dear little girl has been home for four years now. She is still moody and spicy, but she continues to become sweeter than the day before. We have made such huge progress, and as she has let her guard down slowly, she has become more and more trusting of us. This trust has allowed her to make great gains with her physical and cognitive delays too. It is amazing to see what God can do when He sets the orphans in families. Hang in there and stay consistent!
And please know that I realize there are some issues that just won’t be fixed so easily…if at all! I have been there, and done that with our foster son. If you’re in that situation, please reach out to me. I would love to support you and pray with you, personally, as you parent your adopted child!
RElated: The Best Strategies for Raising Resilient Kids
