Grit has been a buzzword for about a decade now, so naturally, I’m finally getting to writing about it! I can guarantee it’s no longer trending, but that doesn’t make it less important. Raising a child with grit is actually more important than ever! I mean, have you looked at the world around us?
If you’re unfamiliar with this term, it basically refers to a certain drive that is not in all people. I’ve heard it referred to as a “fire in the belly.” Grit is a mixture of hard work, resilience, and fearlessness.
Usually, grit is something employers and investors seek in adults, but that has to start somewhere. So, how can you raise your child to have grit?
Do you ever read articles about the children who had it all and never had to overcome anything to get to where they are today? Maybe in the court report. No, usually, we consider the stories about those who overcome adversity the greatest success stories.
We have all heard about the immigrant who came to America with a dream and a dollar. And we have all read about the child who overcame poverty by hustling, working hard, and eventually building a business. We have all read many stories about one who pulled herself up by her bootstraps to become successful. And those stories of people with grit never seem to get old!
So why, then, do we, as parents, always strive to give our kids the best? Why do we strive to give them everything they ask for? And at what point does giving our kids everything become our goal?
And more importantly, how can we raise our children to have grit, if we move every obstacle out of their way before they have a chance to overcome it?
I hear you! I know you don’t want your child to suffer and you definitely don’t want your child to get hurt. Often, that translates to us doing everything for our children in the name of protection. But we must think that through all the way to the other side. What is the yield on that?
So, what do we need to be doing instead in order to help our children develop grit?
How to Raise a Child with Grit:
- Allow them to struggle–
Our children will struggle sometimes. In fact, our children will struggle a lot as they get older. The answer to their struggles is not to fix. The answer is to guide them through to help them solve the problem.
Often, those struggles will include emotional pain. That is when it’s very difficult to allow your child to struggle.
My daughter has Cerebral Palsy. She manages it incredibly well and has worked tremendously hard to get where she is today. She could hardly walk without falling every other step when we got her home, and now, she takes dance class!
But she still falls sometimes. And she is no longer a toddler.
The other night, we were at one of her activities that I lead and she tripped and fell. For the first time, I noticed that the other kids laughed at her. It broke my heart and every part of me wanted to go and defend her, but I knew I couldn’t.
Instead, I watched. She picked herself up with a laugh and joined the line like nothing happened.
At this activity, there is “game time.” The kids play on teams that are selected by one of the adults. I’m so thankful for this because it’s been made pretty obvious that my daughter would be the last one chosen.
She has come home many times and said, “My team never wins because I’m slow.” It would break my heart, but she says it with a cute little giggle and at this point, it doesn’t seem to bother her at all.
The girl has grit. She picks herself up, laughs it off, and keeps going.
I tell the other leaders to let her sit out during games, but what good would that do? It simply removes the obstacle, instead of teaching her to overcome it.
- Teach self-discipline–
Self-discipline is one of the things that is severely lacking among adults, particularly young adults, in the world. And it’s one of those factors that sets people apart.
When I see a young-adult with self-discipline, it takes me aback a bit…probably because I know how difficult it is to instill!
At this point (ALWAYS subject to change!), my two teenagers have quite a bit of self-discipline. I can’t say for sure, but I attribute it to two things:
- Teaching them good habits and setting rules that, when followed, become good habits.
- Not allowing them to quit EVERYTHING!
Okay, that’s a big one. We have become a society of quitters because we have bought into the the “trial and error” lie when it comes to activities.
Now, I’m a believer in allowing children to try different things without the threat of having to stay in it forever if they hate it. But I also believe in balance.
I used to get so frustrated with one of my mom friends because she let her daughter quit everything all the time! Her daughter loved being on the high school speech team and did well at it. And then a mean girl said something…mean to her, so she quit.
My friend was handling things the best way she knew how so I definitely don’t mean to criticize, but I did learn from it. Perhaps if this was the only thing she allowed her to quit, it would have been different, but her daughter quit everything her mom had poured thousands of dollars into!
For each of our children, there are a few “non-negotiables.” They don’t have to love and stick with every activity they ever try, but there are a few that we have decided they must finish out. One of those is Tae Kwon Do.
Our sons wanted to try Tae Kwon Do so badly, but we made the deal with them that if we invested money into it, they were going to stay in it until they earned their black belts, so they could eventually teach it if they wanted to make some money at it.
Both of them have wanted to quit at different times, but they both earned their junior black belts and will be able to train for their black belts soon. And because we pushed them through the plateau when they wanted to quit, they both still really enjoy Tae Kwon Do!
The one who wanted to quit in the worst way, has also excelled the most in Tae Kwon Do.
Your kids don’t have to participate in every activity; but I do suggest finding at least one and making him or her stick with it.
- Find inspiration in others–
Friends, if you are looking for inspiration and the most grit you ever may see in your life, take your kids to the Special Olympics! You will be in tears!
Without a doubt, this is one of the most valuable ways you could ever spend your time! Find out when and where your local school participates, and take your kids to watch. Teach them about people with special needs. Talk to them about how hard each of these children has to work in order to participate.
One year, when I took my children, one of the events was “Assisted Walking 10 meters.” One participant. It took that boy at least five minutes to walk 30 feet, but it was the best five minutes of sports I have ever watched! He used a walker and I have never seen someone work so hard for something that seemed so simple.
It wasn’t my child, but the tears are running down my face even now, as I think of it.
Take your kids to the Special Olympics! You will find more inspiration there than you ever dreamed!
- Don’t make excuses for them (or allow them to!)–
Ask any teacher anymore. If a student is doing poorly in the class, the parent no longer takes the child home and says, “Okay, how are you going to change this?” Instead, the parent blames the teacher.
And I realize that not all teachers are good and sometimes, it is a teacher’s fault, and yes, you need to advocate for your children at times; however, this should never be the general and first assumption!
When schools closed last Spring due to COVID, a colleague of mine said, “How long do you think it will take some of these parents to realize that their child has been the problem all along?”
I hadn’t even thought of that, but it was so true.
Do not allow your child to blame someone else for their shortcomings. Instead, help your child make a plan to overcome them!
- Lead by example–
As in everything, anything worth having takes work. That means, if you want to raise kids with grit, you’ll have to do the work and lead by example.
Those stories of people who have overcome? Most often, there is a reference to parents at some point. “My mom was a single mom working three jobs to feed her family.” Or, “I remember my dad getting up at 4:00 am to go to work…”
This does not mean your children need to have all sorts of adversity in order to have grit, but they need to see that you handle your adversity with grit.
One of my good friends who has been a single mom for many years now, has had unimaginable adversity thrown her way. She is not perfect. She would never tell you that she is or has been. But that woman has more grit than anyone I know!
Her children will never be able to say that their mom didn’t fight tooth and nail to give them the best life she could!
Lead by example. Do the work. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and make it happen. Don’t make excuses (Preaching to myself here!)
Final Thoughts on Raising Your Kids to Have Grit
Whether the buzzword is trending or not, grit is something our children need more now than ever before! Look around you. There are far more sheep than lions.
Our children will need grit to make it through life in this completely upside-down world. We need to raise lions! Teach them to stick to their faith and fight hard for what they believe in. Pair that with grit and your child will definitely stand apart in this world!
One time, when I was a teenager, my mom and I had a good conversation about why we weren’t getting along. I don’t remember all the details, but I remember saying to her, “Mom! You can’t keep trying to catch me before I ever fall!”
Now that I’m a parent of a teenager, I have to remember my own advice…and it’s hard! It’s not easy watching your child be rejected by the wrong girlfriend, or to see your child have to fight through chronic health issues. It’s difficult watching your child learn the hard way that she has to stand up for herself, lest she be taken advantage of and crushed; and it’s not easy watching your child push through physical disabilities that can be embarrassing at times.
Catching comes naturally. Allowing your child to fall does not.
Remember, there is beauty in trial. For the absence of trial leads to the absence of triumph!
