Are you raising a strong-willed child? If your response to that question is, “Well, aren’t all children strong-willed?” you are NOT the parent of a strong-willed child. Of course, all children can stick to their guns at times, but strong-willed children are different. They put up a fight just for the sake of putting up a fight…sometimes over every.single.thing. They will take you through some intense situations and battles that you want to give up on a minute in. Raising a strong-willed child will either turn you into a strong-willed parent, or a puddle on the floor.
Our first-born is a strong-willed child. Raising him has been the biggest challenge I have ever even imagined undertaking, but it has also had some of the greatest rewards. I have watched him overcome an onslaught of challenges in his short life and over the past two years, he has worked so hard to gain the upper hand on his anger, with incredible success. And despite his strong will, he is one of the most thoughtful, compassionate and bold young men I have ever encountered. He is truly a gift from God!
Now, I know what you’re thinking. He’s not fully raised and there are probably a lot of ups and downs to come…don’t worry. I know I’m not out of the woods yet! (I’m in the dark, foggy, black forest daily!) But I don’t want to focus on what may or may not happen in the future. I want to celebrate the progress he has made now!
We also have a strong-willed six-year-old. I still think of her as a pre-schooler because she has some delays that cause her brain to function on a level a couple of years younger than she is. This girl is a survivor! And that makes for difficult parenting sometimes!
She is feisty and intense and she will battle to the death just like her older brother. Did I mention she’s from China? Yep. Two children, born worlds apart with no blood relation, cut from the same cloth…and God trusted ME with BOTH OF THEM! (I’m still trying to figure that one out!)
So, what happens to the parents in this situation? Well, one of you has to become strong-willed if you’re not already! It’s called grit. You will have to battle to the death sometimes because you will have to win!
Here’s the one thing that a lot of parenting books will tell you about strong-willed children that I don’t agree with: It’s about breaking the will without breaking the spirit. Nope. I disagree. It should not be about breaking the will. A strong will is a gift from God! Instead, it needs to be about channeling the will.
How can your child use that strong-will for the glory of God? And how can you, as the parent, help your child understand how to use it? One little article is not going to solve all of your strong-willed child challenges—but these five things will at least get you started!
Five Tips for Raising a Strong-Willed Child
- Discipline is a Gift!—
The Bible tells us that God disciplines those He loves! Job 5:17 says: “Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.” And Hebrews 12:11 states, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Of course, discipline is not fun to administer either and strong-willed children need a lot of discipline! It truly stinks having to discipline your child—especially when it seems like it’s all.the.TIME! But I used to tell myself, “This could mean the difference between Heaven and Hell.” Because when a child learns there are consequences for his sin, the Gospel makes more sense. If you never discipline your child, but then try to teach him that “the wages of sin is death.” How could he possibly understand?
Next time you find yourself in a battle and your heart is breaking because you have to discipline your child, remember that though your child may not particularly appreciate discipline, it really is a gift!
- Your Strong-Willed Child is a Gift from God—
Strong-willed children present more challenges, in general, than what we will call “adjustable” children. (I really hate the use of the term normal!) And with greater trials, there are greater triumphs! In general, strong-willed children just have more intense brains so yes, that makes for more intense battles…but it also makes for more intense compassion; more intense boldness; more intense giving…All the good things are more intense too!
Now, please listen! This next part is imperative! Strong-willed children notice that they are in trouble more often than their less intense siblings. They are aware that there is something different about themselves than most of their peers. They will realize quickly that they are not liked by teachers or others in authority because “easy, adjustable” kids are just more likable! But if parents see the strong-will as a gift from God and treat it as such, the child will struggle less with self-confidence and/or self-loathing.
- Tell Your Child on a Regular Basis What a Gift She AND Her Strong-will Are—
Challenging or not, your strong-willed child needs to hear that she is a gift from God. (All children need to hear this!) Your strong-willed child needs to know that you don’t love her despite her strong-will, but that you love her because of it! She needs to hear that you value that strong will as a gift from God! You never know when she will need that strong-will, but there will be many times throughout her life in which it will be a total asset that you are grateful she has!
- Find Ways to Channel It—
First, I’ll speak to the young, strong-willed child. It’s more difficult to find ways to channel the strong-will when kids are younger, but still possible. First of all, teach them ways to communicate their feelings and thoughts in a respectful manner—instead of going toe-to-toe with their parents, resulting in discipline.
And also, don’t squelch boldness! I learned when my son was very young that his strong-will was accompanied by an unexpected boldness. For example, we were visiting with a lady around my mom’s age, who didn’t have any grandchildren of her own. She gave my son treats whenever we saw her and consequently, they were fast friends. But the lady, from time to time, took the Lord’s name in vain. The first time my son heard her say this, he immediately gasped, looked right at her and said, “We don’t say that at our house!” He was no more than two and I.was.mortified. I didn’t know what to say or do! The lady just said, “Oops! I’m sorry!” and thankfully, the conversation moved on.
I asked a lady from church who raised a strong-willed child what she would have done. She gave me a good piece of wisdom saying, “I learned that I never had to be apologetic for being Biblical.” My son was being totally Biblical and honestly responded how all of us should respond, but don’t! Allowing your children to use that strong-will to be bold will be a great gift to them as they grow, but it starts out when they are young!
As your child gets older, you can challenge her to figure out what she is really passionate about. My son, for example, is passionate about stopping abortion. So, I have asked him what he can do about it. How can he use that strong will to fight for something he really believes is important? I also have searched for opportunities for him to learn more about the law-making process, and the lobbying process. This way, they learn not to waste all their energy fighting just to fight, but instead, to fight for something they actually care about!
- Choose Your Battles Oh SO Wisely—
I try to ask myself, “What type of battle is this?” before I decide whether or not to fight it. Strong-willed children will constantly be trying to engage in a power struggle—and sometimes, that child does just need a little bit of control. If the issue is not a safety, moral, behavioral, or Biblical issue, then maybe you can let it go.
When you have to battle, you MUST win! This is going to sound a little weird, but raising a strong-willed child is the art of war! I have to get to know each child’s methods of attack. I have to know their triggers; their trials of the moment; and their discipline needs. Of course, you don’t want to think of your child as the enemy, but sometimes, you have to treat it that way. Understand the methods they use to manipulate and gain control so that when you have to do battle, you are prepared!
Also, be in God’s Word! There is NOTHING that has prepared me for battle with my strong-willed children more than knowing Scripture and being able to say, “Well, you can think or say that all you want, but God teaches ______ in His Word.”
This only scratches the surface on raising a strong-willed child, which is probably why there are so many books out there on the subject. The one book that I read on the subject that I can truly recommend is Journey of a Strong-Willed Child (formerly known as Aaron’s Way) by Kendra Smiley (and her strong-willed son, now Dr. Aaron Smiley). Again, I don’t get paid for that recommendation and I have no affiliation with the author. It truly just helped me in understanding my strong-willed child’s brain!
Allowing your child to see his strong-will as a gift from God (because his parents do!) and then using it for God’s purpose, allows your child to be a world-changer! You can do this well, Mom!
Want more help with your strong-willed child? Click for my words of affirmation printable!
RElated: Setting and Enforcing Boundaries
