We are living in a Narcissistic world. We all know it; we’ve all seen it. The real question is, “Am I contributing to it?” Of course, I hope not, but raising kids in a self-absorbed world is difficult! Is there any hope of raising our children to be selfless? Good news! There is hope and raising kids to be more secure and less self-absorbed, even in this fakey, selfie world, is possible!.
There is a type of person who my friend has nicknamed a “pet-me.” She described this type of person as being like one of those little dogs who constantly runs in circles, yips at you, and jumps on you doing everything it possibly can to scream, “Pet me!” Be honest, you already have someone in mind, right? Or are you one of those people?
Unfortunately, I have found that usually, this “Pet-me syndrome,” a very different PMS, stems from a lot of insecurity. Interestingly enough, I find that the people who are most like this, that I know, are people who have grown up with all sorts of constant praise and attention.
And like their fathers before them, they are showering their children with the same kind of praise and spotlight they grew up with, raising their kids to be equally self-absorbed. A mom told me once, “My daughter says, ‘Mom, put this on Facebook’,” to which the mom replies, “‘Don’t have to ask me twice’!”
The reason I cringe at that is because 1. I hate when people document their children’s entire lives on social media for the entire world to scrutinize and to have who knows what effects on the child later and 2. The writing on the wall is obvious—this daughter’s “pet-me” status is nearly solidified. She is, like so many other kids, becoming self-absorbed and obsessed with seeing herself performing.
Are we really that fascinated with ourselves? And women, when did we become so fascinated with others’? Most importantly, what does that teach our children?
Most of us don’t want our kids to be self-absorbed. We want them to think about others, be empathetic, and kind. And yet, all too often, (I’m guilty too!) we buy into the lie that in order to be good moms, our children need to be showered with attention. Parents are spending more time with their children than ever before (According to several studies, including this one) and still feeling guilty about how little that time is.
Don’t get me wrong! I think it’s great that parents are spending more time with their children, but the caveat is that if we buy the lie that our children need our constant attention and praise in order to feel loved and approved of, we actually damage our children for their future as adults.
So, how can you raise children who are secure, confident, and not running from person to person for whomever will give them the attention they crave?
5 Steps to Raising Kids Who Aren’t Self-Absorbed
- Lead by Example—
Posting pictures that are really only about the number of likes and comments saying, ‘Oh, you’re such a great mom!” is not the sign of a secure person. I’m not saying what you are or aren’t, but I’m telling you what it looks like. The most secure people I know are the women who are quietly raising their children, doing amazing things, and not asking anyone in the world to notice. These women know who they are. They are confident in their abilities. These women are secure and do not need the approval of the world. They do not need to stage pictures and their children are not begging them to document their lives for social media. Instead, their children are off doing, playing, experimenting, and learning confidently!
- Expect Your Child to Self-Entertain—
It is not your job to entertain your children 24/7. Oh. Absolutely not! Sometimes, I feel guilty when I say, “No, I’m busy right now” when my daughter is asking me to play. After all, I have read enough articles and been bombarded with enough “mom advice” to think, “Yes, but a good mom would take every moment she could to spend playing with her child.” After all, “These years go by so quickly and they are the best years of your life!”
Yeah. I don’t buy that anymore. There are life skills on the line here! We all know that adult—the one who interrupts and expects you to just drop everything whenever he or she needs something. That’s annoying. I don’t want my kid to be that guy! A child who comes to expect you to drop everything whenever he wants something, will expect that when you’re talking with someone else; when you’re trying to pay at the cash register; and will probably expect it from other people for the rest of his life! Please don’t raise that kid. Your child can be expected to play by himself. Your child can learn that when you’re making dinner, you cannot play with him. And he will live!
- Too Much Talking—
There’s nothing wrong with talking to your children. That’s great! But we have all had those moments—when our children are talking just for the sake of talking. They have nothing to actually say, but desperately want to join the conversation. My dad always said, in those moments, “You’re talking to hear the sound of your own voice, and it isn’t that great.”
To some of you, that may sound harsh, but if you knew how kind my dad is, you would realize what a favor he was actually doing us. Again, we all know that person—the one who talks non-stop. She is exhausting to spend an hour with. She knows something about everything; never lets others get a word in edgewise; and rarely makes a point. She is obnoxious.
I doubt that she realizes how obnoxious others find her. I think if she did realize, she would be mortified. She didn’t have a parent saying, “You’re talking to hear the sound of your own voice.”
- Expensive Gifts and Wishlists—
You probably already know this, but fewer people than I assume actually do know it: Your kids don’t need to get everything they ask for in order to feel loved! In fact, it’s quite the opposite!
If you want to raise arrogant, self-absorbed kids, then you definitely need to buy them those expensive items on their wish lists. If you do that, your child will have a wish list that never ends and you will end up in a vicious cycle of ungratefulness, discontent, and a sheer lack of respect. This starts SO EARLY!
We have never made a huge deal about Santa in our home, but we play along until our children start asking questions, and then we tell them the truth. From the time our firstborn was old enough to ask Santa for something at Christmas, we taught him that Santa had a lot of gifts to give so he had to limit his wish from Santa to something small.
We have a budget that we stick to for every gift-giving occasion. The budget is the same for each of our children and our kids are aware that there is a budget. When they ask for something outside the budget, the answer is, “That’s not in the budget.” Sometimes, we might offer to give money toward something larger, or combine birthday and Christmas gifts, but sticking to a budget is also a life lesson and teaching your children that they can’t have everything they want will help them a whole lot in real life!
- Too Much Praise—
For a long time, I thought there was no way you could over-praise your child. I did think you could under-discipline, but not over-praise. I.was.WRONG! Boy was I wrong! Now, let me clarify. I do believe in encouragement. And I’ve learned that there is a big difference between praise and encouragement.
Praise is when you shower someone with compliments that really have nothing to do with skill, effort, or anything else pertaining to the character of the person. I once observed a dad praising his daughter for her amazing piece of journalism…which was, in actuality, a Facebook post discussing the latest town gossip. What does that actually accomplish?
First of all, that gives her a very skewed sense of impressiveness. It endorses gossip, and it also promotes her need for approval, likes, and attention from others. In actuality, praise feeds insecurity because it keeps us seeking more. And, as in this case, if it’s insincere, it gives a false sense of security and approval.
And maybe in this case, the praise is sincere and this gal’s dad is just incredibly easily impressed. I don’t think that’s helpful either. Let’s prepare our kids for the real world. You don’t have to praise their every move. That inflates their egos to believe that everything they do is impressive. Are those the adults you want to have on your hands?
On the contrary, encouragement means to embolden someone with courage. This is stuff that really matters. It is beseeching someone to take a look at what is already inside—the strength they already have to accomplish something. Encouragement calls on skill, strength, and obviously, courage to do something well. (If you need some true encouragement yourself, check out this post.)
I truly believe that if you want to raise secure, confident children, you must not teach them that their worth and approval comes from anyone other than God. Don’t teach them to perform like monkeys for likes and hearts and stamps of approval! They deserve so much more!
People who are secure are generally not self-centered. She knows her value; she knows her worth. That woman doesn’t need a spotlight and can lift others up, help others succeed, and here’s the true test of selflessness—she doesn’t need to announce to the world that she’s doing it! Those are the people I want to raise. I want to be raising kids who aren’t self-absorbed!
How about you? How do you keep your child from becoming self-centered?
RElated: Teaching Teens to Respect Themselves
