I love Mother’s Day—the breakfast in bed that my kids have made; home-made cards and gifts; not having to cook and clean all day; getting a relaxing day all to myself; and just being pampered for the day…oh, and a diamond necklace from my husband that of course, takes my breath away.
Oh, except that’s how it goes in my head, but never in reality. Ladies, you really need to just start rolling your eyes at Mother’s Day commercials and set reasonable expectations instead if you want to have a good Mother’s Day!
The bottom line is that for most of us, Mother’s Day is like a family “vacation.” We all know that there is NOTHING about a family vacation that is a vacation for the mom. Any time someone says, “We’re going on a family vacation,” I reply, “If you’re taking your kids with you, it’s a TRIP!” Mother’s Day is really another day to…mother.
Usually, one of two scenarios happens for me: One, I’m up before everyone else because there are birds outside my window making it impossible to sleep later than 5:00 am. My kids get up and realize they have done nothing for Mother’s Day, so they quickly scribble, “I love you” on a piece of paper and hand it to me.
The rest of the day proceeds like any other day, complete with some bickering, someone leaving their laundry all over the bathroom floor, and no one really caring at all that it’s Mother’s Day.
The other scenario is that we go to my parents’ cabin for Mother’s Day because I have a mom who deserves to be celebrated too. First of all, I have a very unselfish mother, who has made it very clear that she does not expect any of her kids to give up Mother’s Day with their wives or for themselves in order to visit her on Mother’s Day.
I am so grateful for her selflessness. Because of her attitude, I want to make sure she feels special on Mother’s Day!
So, usually, we end up going to their cabin for the weekend. It’s not my favorite place to be. It’s just not. I truly don’t mind going. After all, my kids, my husband and my parents all love it there. But it’s just not what I love to do because I’m not exactly “the outdoorsy Mom.”
In either scenario, every year, it seems like I set reasonable expectations for Mother’s Day; but every year, I am disappointed when my family does not live up to them.
I have a friend who commiserates annually. One year, her husband, who is very sweet to her, put up all of her moldings around the doors and windows in their house for Mother’s Day. I mean, it was thoughtful, and she was happy to have it done, but no. That is NOT A SUITABLE MOTHER’S DAY GIFT!
She asked me, “Why is my Mother’s Day present something that, a. I had to nag about for months and b. benefits everyone, including him and has nothing to do with me?!?? Yeah. We both need to lower our expectations.
I mean, truthfully, we both need our families to step.it.UP! But it looks like that’s not going to happen any time soon, unfortunately, so we need a Plan B.
I have learned though, that the reason my expectations become unreasonable is that they are not communicated, but instead, just in my mind. After all, part of the expectation is that they should care enough to know!
So, here’s what I’ve learned. This is about to get very jaded for a moment, but don’t worry! It’s not going to stay there.
First of all, Mother’s Day is a mostly crummy day…for real! There are so many women longing to be mothers, who have that thrown in their faces all day. Many women do life regularly without their moms because their moms have passed away, or because they are estranged from their mothers. There are women who have aborted their babies, living with constant guilt that is made so much worse on Mother’s Day. And there are women who have lost their babies—some have given them up for adoption and have to suffer that pain times ten on Mother’s Day and some have had babies who have died in their arms, longing to celebrate Mother’s Day with their children.
And then, there are the moms that Mother’s Day is apparently geared toward. Except that when you still have kids at home, Mother’s Day is about…being a mom. It’s not about you. It’s another day in which you get to…MOM! Mother’s Day is about saying, “thank you” for the scribbled, “I love you,” because it’s something your teenager took a second to do. It’s about LOVING the home-made bracelets, Lego toys, and finger-knitted scarves your younger kids make for you.
Mother’s Day is not about pampering…it’s about parenting.
Take heart, though! With a little mental preparation, you can still have a great Mother’s Day!
Do These Five Things for a Great Mother’s Day
- Lower Your Expectations—
I’m not normally a fan of lowering expectations because I don’t think it kills someone to work a little at meeting an expectation! But you’re not lowering your expectations in order to benefit your kids. You’re lowering them so that you can have a more enjoyable day.
Expect Mother’s Day to be an imperfect day, pretty much like every other day. (I know, it would be great to have a day set aside just to celebrate you, but it just probably isn’t going to happen!)
And so often, we have these pictures in our heads—maybe even that are from history—that are just not true anymore. When I was pregnant with our oldest child, my husband went all out for Mother’s Day! When our kids were really young, he did a great job of taking care of them throughout the day so I could have a little time to myself.
Now, things are different. Frankly, he’s every bit as exhausted as I am from parenting and I need to be compassionate and understanding of that too.
Also, I cannot stress enough—if you are on social media, STAY OFF on Mother’s Day! The last thing anyone who is having a less-than-perfect-day needs to see is FAKE pictures of someone else’s AMAZING Mother’s Day. You do you. You don’t need to compete with someone else’s fake life.
Truly, I believe that social media is pornography for women. I know maybe that’s a little strong, but the commonalities are there when you think about it! You are looking at pictures that cause discontent and feed unreasonable expectations.
So, be careful! Look around your own house at your own family and stop comparing!
- Be Grateful—
It is so tempting to forget to thank God that you are even able to celebrate Mother’s Day! Thank God for those messy, sometimes incredibly selfish works in progress, that He trusted you to raise!
After struggling with infertility even for a moment, I know how many women would love to trade places, even if their Mother’s Day consisted of nothing more than cleaning up poop and puke! Don’t forget them!
Even better, if you know someone who has not been able to become a mother, give her a hug, and whisper, “You would be an amazing mother!” Or send her a card with an encouraging message. When gratitude spills over, it reaches many.
- Celebrate Your Own Mom—
Sometimes, I get so focused on having a day that is “All About Me” for a change, that I forget that it’s really not supposed to be about me at all! It’s supposed to be about my mom!
And I tell my children all the time, “If you focus on making it fun for everyone else, it will be fun for you too,” but I don’t always practice what I preach!
When I try to make sure my own mom has a great Mother’s Day, I am much happier. So often, it’s my own selfishness that stands between a great day and a crummy day. And even as I’m writing this, there is a whiny little voice in my head saying, “so you actually never get to have a day.”
Eww. My day is coming when my own children will be celebrating their own families on Mother’s Day…and I hope they won’t forget me. So, I need to treat my mom the way I want to be treated and the way she deserves to be treated….like an absolute QUEEN!
And for those whose mom is not here on Earth, I’m so sorry for your loss. Mother’s Day is hard without your mom, but taking time to remember her and to celebrate her life will help you through Mother’s Day too.
If you are estranged from your mom, I wish things were different for you. Take a little time to pray for your mom—and don’t be afraid to take some time to grieve that lost relationship.
- Look for the Moments—
Instead of thinking of this as an entire day that should be done just right, look for the sweet moments throughout the day. Sometimes, we have to zoom in on the details and ignore the big picture. The sweet moments are there!
Remember, that building those relationships with your kids now, might make them want to celebrate you when they are adults! I know for a fact that I gave my mom some less-than-perfect Mother’s Days! Thankfully, she didn’t give up on me. She kept putting in the time and now, I want to be sure she has a good Mother’s Day. After all, I totally owe her! One day, my kids might appreciate Mother’s Day more too.
Today, my daughter came and sat by me and said, “Mom, you’re as beautiful as I think my birth mom might be.”
So, it didn’t happen on Mother’s Day, but it was an incredibly sweet moment that I want to remember forever. Shifting the focus off the right day and onto the right moment helps a lot!
- Help Out a Friend—
I told you about my friend who usually has a disappointing Mother’s Day right alongside me. I would imagine we are not alone. And every year, we hold to a false hope that this year, things will be better…and they’re not.
One year, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, she and I went shopping together and got pedicures and saw a movie. It was the BEST Mother’s Day I have ever had! Because spending a day away from our kids and having a day to ourselves, allowed us to be ready to jump back into parenting on Mother’s Day. If you can do that for someone else, do it!
Send your mom-friend flowers! Get her a gift card for her favorite place to eat. Go out to eat or to see a movie together on Saturday night. Find a way to treat a mom-friend the way she deserves to be treated on Mother’s Day. It will bless you both!
Think about all the things you wish your kids would do and then do those things for someone else.
Final Thoughts on Having a Great Mother’s Day
I think every mother on the planet could tell you of a Mother’s Day that did not live up to her expectations. We have all been disappointed…and we have all disappointed. Go into Mother’s Day with reasonable expectations, a lot of grace, and a willingness to roll with the punches.
Sometimes, a little mental preparation is all it takes to have your best Mother’s Day ever!
And on that note, here is a special reminder of why you’re doing what you’re doing, compliments of Matthew West. Keep pressing on, Mom! Whether your children realize it or not, you are doing the most important work.
RElated: Hope When You Feel Forgotten