Mom culture is rough. On one hand, you have moms who joke about not being able to make it through the day without drinking an entire bottle of wine, and there are some who aren’t joking about it (If that’s you, please know that there is no shame in getting help!) On the other hand, you have the “mom-shamers.” You know who you are–people who pick at everything another mom does and finds a way for it to be terrible for the child! (Usually directed at celebrities, but I think we do it to each other in regular life enough too) And then, I find a whole different group of moms—the loving, accepting moms. This doesn’t sound like a bad thing does it? Well, not unless we have substituted praise for true encouragement, which is a tendency of this group.
Don’t Substitute Praise for Encouragement
For the most part, the loving, accepting moms are who you want to hang out with, but one thing I have found is that while we are busy trying to make each other feel better about our mistakes, we forget to challenge each other to be better. It is so easy to commiserate and misery loves company!
A dear friend of mine e-mailed me feeling awful about how frustrated she had become with her daughter that morning and how she had reacted out of anger to her. Normally, I would send a quick e-mail back saying, “You’re not alone! We’ve all done that so don’t beat yourself up over it because you’re a great mom!” Nice, right?
Well, I did say those things to her; but the Lord prompted me to go further. He prompted me to also say, “But let’s not accept our sin. Let’s not explain it away. Instead, let’s hold each other accountable to be better.”
I didn’t hear back from her for a long time. Later, she told me that it was a little bit of a difficult pill to swallow. I completely understood. It would have been for me too.
When I need to vent and I have done something poorly, I need encouragement, but I want praise. What I thought were words of encouragement—“You’re a great mom!” “Don’t worry about that. Focus on all the great things you do for your kids.” “We all make mistakes. You should have seen me this morning!”—are really not words of encouragement, but words of praise. It’s me looking for my friends to compare me to themselves and to sing my praises! That is not the same. Nor is that healthy.
Actually, what I truly need is to refuse to accept my sin! I need to refuse to explain it away; refuse to move on without learning from it; and refuse to be stagnant. And I need encouragement along the way. I need someone to say, “You don’t need to beat yourself up for it, but what can you learn from it and how can you be better?” A good friend will hold you accountable.
I know that when I said those words to my friend, they were not from me. And after she told me it was a little bit difficult to hear, she quickly said, “but I needed to hear it and I think you’re probably the only one of my friends who would have the courage to say it.” We all need that friend!
Do you need help deciphering between encouragement and praise? How can you best encourage another mom?
Five Phrases that can Encourage a Friend Through Motherhood:
- Instead of saying, “You’re a great mom!” Point out the effort the mom is making. For example, “I know how hard you work at being your best and I admire that!” I see so many moms who are trying so hard. They love their kids fiercely, but do not have a lot of tools in their parenting toolbox. This is an honest way to encourage these moms and believe me! They need the encouragement!
- If your friend had a rough morning with her kids, instead of saying, “You should have seen me this morning!”, work together to be better. For example, “I had a rough morning too. How can we both make the most of this day?”
- Instead of saying, “All moms yell at their kids! They’ll be fine.” You could say, “We all make mistakes and have to ask forgiveness from our children. But also, remember how good you feel when you handle your frustration without yelling.”
- Instead of saying, “You have great kids! You must be doing something right!” Point out something specific that you admire about your friend or her kids. For example, “I know you pray for your children every day and I can see that the Holy Spirit is working in them.” Whoa! That would be absolute music to my ears!
- Instead of saying, “They’ll live” (and they will), say something like, “What’s done is done, but don’t let it injure your relationship.” Don’t write off a wrong. Make it right and reconcile with your child. Humility goes the distance in a relationship!
Moms, in the corporate world, we would be always trying to be the best; to climb the ladder of success; to prove ourselves. While we don’t need to compare and compete as moms, we do need to be trying to be our best. Are you the best mom for your kids? Yes! God has trusted you with His children! But are you your best? Are you the best mom you can be? Don’t your children deserve a mom that is trying? Refuse to accept your sin as okay. Let it make you better!