We know that children need to respect their parents, but lately, I have learned so much about the needs my teenage sons have for respect. You have probably heard of Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’s book, Love and Respect. Thousands of married couples have benefited from the advice given in this book! Recently, I listened to a podcast with Dr. Eggerichs as he discussed how moms can apply these same principles to parenting teenage sons. It was eye-opening to say the least! By showing respect to your teenage son, whether he deserves it or not, your words can penetrate and may have an actual chance of being heard!
Oh, and let me say that while Dr. Eggerich specifically discussed this in terms of teenage sons, many of the principles would correlate to daughters as well.
When I applied the principles he explained, they helped! I wish I could say that everything magically changed. It did not. But I do know that treating my teenage sons with respect has been a balm for our relationships.
If you are struggling with a teenage son, you know how quickly you can jump to the conclusion that it’s all his fault, his hormones, his mood swings, his attitude problem, his disrespect; but what if your approach is contributing to all of those things? Your son is caught between two worlds: one in which he is still often treated as a boy, not yet able to have the privileges of making his own big decisions, and one in which he is expected to be a man, proving himself to be respectable.
As moms, we get ourselves in the most “trouble,” if you will, when we are striving to prove ourselves. It’s when we forget who we are that insecurity creeps in; stealing our joy and confidence. Insecurity puts us on that hamster wheel, never getting closer to where we need to be. This is true for your son too. The harder her works to prove himself, the further he will be from the goal.
“But, respect must be earned!”
Have you ever heard that or thought that? Many of us have grown up with this mindset and chances are, your teenager isn’t doing much to earn your respect. But what if you give him the benefit of the doubt? What if you start showing him respect BEFORE he has earned it? You respect your teenage son as though you’re giving him a gift. He may believe that he is respectable and then become it.
5 Ways to Show Respect to Your Teenage Son:
- Use Phrases of Respect–
Whenever you need to have a solid discussion, use phrases like, “You are a respectable young man” to preface pretty much anything. For example, your son hasn’t kept up with his schoolwork and you’re frustrated. Instead of saying, “What is going on with you? Why are you falling behind?” You can say, “You’re a respectable young man and I can trust you to be responsible, so tell me how you have fallen behind in your schoolwork.”
I’m not kidding! It really does change the entire dynamic of the conversation! Showing your teenage son respect in that situation removes the defensive edge.
- Allow Your Teenager to Make Some Decisions for Himself–
Give your input, but don’t get bent out of shape if he chooses something different. Recently, our son wanted to go see the new “Star Wars” movie. He asked me if he could, to which I replied, “You’re a respectable man. I expect you to look it up on PluggedIn (Do you guys know about PluggedIn? It is one of the best resources out there!) before making a decision.” He looked it up and told me the concerns that were highlighted by the reviewer.
Again, I said, “Okay. You know what we believe. You’re 15 years old. You need to make your own decision.” He replied, “It’s hard because I really wanted to see it.” I told him, “This will be one of many decisions you’ll have to make between your faith and your entertainment.” And I left it at that. Guess what! He chose to stay home! I could have forced him to stay home, but he would have resented me. Instead, he got to be proud of his decision to stand up for what he believed to be true. And who am I kidding? I had a pretty proud moment too!
BUT, at the same time, had he chosen to go, I would have had to accept that decision, however disappointing it was.
- Go Back to the Blessing—
In Biblical times, the first-born son received the blessing and the inheritance of the family. This has always bothered me because it shows such favoritism. However, a friend of mine pointed out that, while it definitely looks different in our culture today, the blessing was a sign of respect. The parents respected the eldest son as the new leader of the family. They trusted him to do what was right with the inheritance—including sharing it equally with siblings. That was a very good point!
Every child in the family looks up to the “big brother.” Obviously, not every family has a son who is the eldest; however, if you do have a son, younger children will watch and learn an awful lot about how you treat him. You don’t have to give him the entire inheritance to show confidence that he will do the right thing. Maybe it’s as simple as, “There are two pieces of dessert left. I trust you to do the right thing with them.” When you phrase it this way, he might divide the dessert evenly, and maybe ask if you’d like some too!
Of course, there is no magic bullet so I do recommend going into this process with low expectations. At first, I pretty much thought it might be a bunch of garbage…but that’s the mystery of a man’s mind! They, most often, think very differently than we do, so we need to meet them where they’re at!
- Motivate—
Yes, you can start speaking the language of respect with your teenage son even when he isn’t respectable. At some point though, he needs to start working at becoming respectable. My son started talking about how much he was looking forward to dating when he turned 16. I told him, “Turning 16 does not earn you the privilege of dating.” He whipped around and looked at me like I had lost my mind! I continued, “You may not date anyone else’s daughter until you treat your sisters and me with the respect God’s daughters deserve. Only then, will I trust you with someone else’s daughter’s heart.”
Although it surprised him, it also made him think.
Using privileges to motivate is a great strategy, but you have to stick to it! If he knows you will stick to it because you have proven yourself in the past, you will see more effort being put in.
- Allow Natural Consequences—
Part of becoming a man is that you don’t have your parents controlling you anymore. This is something every teenager looks forward to, whether they are boundary-bumpers or rule-followers and everyone in between! But what teenagers forget sometimes is that there are still consequences to their actions. Allow your son to make some decisions on his own, but then allow for the natural consequences to occur if he makes a poor choice.
Parents need to quit bailing their children out of every uncomfortable circumstance. (I’m reminding myself too!) My son goes straight from his after-school activity to his job some evenings. One day, I suggested that he bring some food with to eat before work. He insisted he would be fine, so that was that. His plans changed though and after his shift, he wanted to go to a basketball game. I said that was fine. He was hungry.
My husband also attended the basketball game, so my son said, “I’ll get some money from Dad for food.” I simply replied, “Your dad does not have money for the concession stand. I told you to bring food along with you, but you insisted you would be fine.” Of course, this frustrated him. He came home from the game ravenous, ate, and went to bed. The next time he had his evening shift, he packed a snack.
These examples are very mild, but you don’t have to think that our biggest issues are over packing a snack! You might be dealing with bigger issues where natural consequences might involve the police. We have dealt with big issues like that too. One day, my son was talking about how much taller and stronger he is than me. I said, “Yep. And I will NEVER be afraid of you!” He replied, “Oh, I know! Because you would be the first to call the cops on me if I EVER tried anything!”
Maybe that sounds harsh to you, but you know what? I have daughters. What would I teach them if I allowed my son to use physical force on me because I didn’t want him to suffer the consequences? I would teach my daughters that it’s okay for them to stay in that position too. That, my friend, is not okay…and you can thank me for being so harsh if my son ever marries your daughter!
When your son is caught between the worlds of wanting (and needing) freedom, and yet, still needing his parents’ help, it can be a tricky time! I have found that the more I can treat him as though he’s already a man, even when his consequences are much harsher than they would be if he were still a boy, the better our relationship is and, hopefully, the better man he will be!
RElated: Don’t Make an Idol out of Respect
