You may be familiar with the Permissive Parenting “movement.” It is the direct reaction to the Authoritarian Parenting of our grandparents’ and older generations. In Authoritarian Parenting, children were to be seen and not heard. Parents considered children to be insignificant and that resulted in a total lack of self-esteem and an unhealthy psyche for many people, though many others weathered it well. In a direct over-reaction to that type of parenting, we now have Permissive Parenting, which is basically the complete and total lack of knowing how to set and enforce boundaries with children.
You have heard it—in fact, you’ve probably felt like you need to parent this way in public at times because it is today’s trend of “good parenting.” It’s the parent saying, “Do you think it’s a good choice to hit your little sister on the head with a wooden mallet?” “Let’s make good choices, does that sound good to you?” All the while, the child is running around, screaming, and hitting kids with a wooden mallet.
Yeah. I’m going to call this out right now. That is not good parenting. It’s not often that I make a blanket statement like that, but Permissive Parenting doesn’t keep your child safe and it doesn’t keep other children safe. While we may think our children are secure because we never discipline them, those children are actually being psychologically and emotionally stunted due to the total lack of boundaries or the enforcing of them.
Testing the boundaries is the way that children test their safety.
Think of it this way: if you’re going on a ride at the fair in which you sit in a little cage with a door that latches and then you whirl around, upside down, and all directions, relying on that one pin to hold your cage closed, you’re going to give that little door a good push before the ride starts! You might jiggle it; or you might push on it; you might even kick that door to make sure it’s not going to open. How safe would you feel if the door opened, even just a little, when you pushed it? Your child feels insecure when the boundary moves every time he pushes it. That boundary is movable, therefore, it’s not keeping him safe.
This does not mean that in order to have healthy children, you must run your home like a boot camp or that you shouldn’t give your children any freedom. No. As in all things, there is a balance that needs to be struck—it’s called Authoritative Parenting.
Simply stated, the parent takes charge, but also loves, values and makes the the child feel significant. Boundaries are set and enforced, parents know how to discipline their children, but a relationship between parent and child is of equal value. Because as Josh McDowell said, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.” The relationship portion of Authoritative Parenting bridges the gap between Authoritarian and Permissive Parenting. (Become more authoritative in your parenting!)
Boundaries are essential to the foundation of that relationship though because by enforcing boundaries, you are showing that you can be trusted. If you say there will be consequences when rules are broken, and then you follow through with that, your child sees that your word means something.
This is what we want!
But that’s more easily said than done, right? How do we set and enforce boundaries? In just five easy steps of course! (Actually, I’m not sure even one of these steps is easy, but they are all necessary).
Five Steps to Set and Enforce Boundaries with Your Kids:
- Decide What Your Non-Negotiables Are–
What are the rules that you will strictly enforce every.single.time because they are that important? For us, one is respect. We expect our children to show respect to their parents, grandparents, authority figures, THE FLAG, and basically any adult. We also expect them to treat others well, showing kindness and respect for other human beings.
Some people are not respectable, but we need to show them respect regardless because of their positions (i.e. bad teachers). And let me just say that there have been plenty of presidents who have absolutely appalled me, but it is my duty as an American to show our President respect, regardless, simply because of his position. Teach your kids that!
- Get on the Same Page as Your Husband—
We’ve talked about this before, but there may be things that are at the top of the list for you, but don’t even make the list for him! If you are going to be strong in the face of triangulation, you have to be on the same page when it comes to family rules. It’s okay if you haven’t decided on a rule before it comes up, but be sure to say, “I need to talk to Dad about it.” Instead of simply making a decision.
For us, it doesn’t matter how long we’ve been married—we are still in different books sometimes! In my mind, “Of course we would be on the same page about this!” and so often, my husband has a different and equally compelling point of view. Decide together what boundaries and behaviors are non-negotiable.
- Decide on a Consistent Consequence—
When my husband was growing up, there wasn’t a variety of tools in the discipline box. It was pretty much a blanket discipline for every crime. So, he is naturally more inclined to that type of parenting. For me, coming from a home in which it was important that the discipline teach to the behavior using many different consequences, this became a point of contention for us and a point of inconsistency for our children. And if you don’t think they saw that crack in our so-called unity, you’re wrong!
So, we sat down and wrote a discipline chart.
I cannot tell you how much this helped us! And it helped our children take more responsibility for their actions as well. Once they could read, I told them, “Okay, you know what you did wrong, now go see what the consequence is.” They made better choices when they knew what the consequence was. (If your child continues to do the same action again and again, it’s time to up the consequence).
We still have our discipline chart from when the kids were younger, which included actions such as kicking, hitting, spitting…behaviors that we hope we don’t have to teach our teenagers not to do! I noticed that my children added a few consequences of their own. It’s always interesting when children think they should discipline their siblings. One of them wrote, “Eat a bar of soap” as a consequence! Yeah. That’s why kids aren’t parents! I’m pretty sure I know exactly which one of my sons did that!
- Follow Through with Consequences—
Now that you have your consequences mapped out, you MUST, I repeat MUST follow through with the consequences! There are not a million chances to obey. We’ve all heard the “one, two, two-and-a-half, two-and-three-quarters” mom. I have news for you. Discipline is NOT the time for a lesson in fractions! You can expect your child to obey the first time she is told! Her brain is fully capable of that! The sooner you start enforcing the boundaries with consequences, the sooner you’ll get your life back!
My mom’s follow-through was on point! My brothers tell a story of when we were younger (I don’t remember it, but I was there too) and my mom followed through so well that it left a permanent impression. We had gone to town. The nearest town of any actual size was an hour away, so we didn’t just make a lot of trips. We went one day and it had to last a month or two, usually. My mom promised that if we behaved well, we’d get an ice cream sundae from McDonald’s before leaving town. We did not behave. She warned us several times that if we continued, we would not get ice cream. So, my mom followed through and when it was time to leave town, she told us we could not get ice cream.
You can imagine our surprise, then, when my mom pulled into the McDonald’s drive through. We reveled, thinking our sad, puppy dog eyes had compelled my mom to take pity on us. Nope! My mom pulled up to the drive-through and ordered herself an ice cream sundae. She ate it right in front of us on the way home and when we whined about it, she replied, “Hey! I behaved really well today!”
And that leads me to an important point about follow-through. Do NOT feel guilty about following through with consequences!! It is your child who has made the choices that have put him in this position…NOT YOU! My mom exercised the highest form of guilt-free follow-through that day and she let our sin be on us!
- Follow Up With Love and Affirmation—
After enforcing the boundaries with discipline, take time to encourage your child and affirm her! Remind her that her identity does not come from her mistakes. Tell her about mistakes you’ve made and how learning from those mistakes has made you who you are today! Remind your child that the Lord disciplines those He loves—and you are modeling that to her. Tell her again that you will never stop loving her; that God, her Creator, loves her and has chosen her. Pray with her—that she will learn from this and not do it again. Some of my best moments with my children have been after they have received discipline!
With most children, follow-up is the easiest part. However, some children will be angry with you for disciplining them. These children may need a reminder, “Remember, I didn’t make this choice. You made this choice.” They also may need some time to process. That’s okay! I assure you, they’ll come around!
This is, in my mind, one of the most important things we can do as parents! Our children need and crave boundaries! Boundaries are worthless if you’re not enforcing them with discipline though. You must be confident in knowing how to set and enforce the boundaries with your children. They need to see consistency because that builds trustworthiness and credibility. As hard as it is, commit to doing it—for them! They won’t thank you for it for a long time, but it’s what they need!
RElated: Teaching Kids Respect for Authority
