First of all, almost all children will be difficult at some point during their upbringing, and probably later on in life, as well and it’s just not always easy to love them through it. However, there are some children who will just go through more of those stages than others and let’s just be honest here, it can be difficult to love them well through it. Ironically, these are the kids who need us to show them unconditional love the most!
Of course, you’re probably never going to stop loving your child altogether. But you may struggle with showing unconditional love to a difficult child. You may be too hurt to speak their love language, or too exhausted to even think about putting the work in!
Difficult kids are seriously draining.
It’s okay to just say it. You don’t have to feel guilty if you have thought that.
One thing I’ve learned is that there is a HUGE difference between loving your child and loving parenting. If you don’t love parenting right now because your child is difficult, it’s okay!
But when exhaustion sets in, our feelings get jumbled and we often start believing that we don’t love our kids, when really, we don’t love the stage or place they are in. We don’t love parenting right now. Or we might not like our kids! Don’t confuse those feelings and emotions with the action of love.
I am struggling with the stage of parenting I’m in. I don’t love it. The other day, I apologized again to my mom for being a disrespectful teenager because I understand fully the pain I caused her and it grieves me.
I remember a time when my mom said to me, “I love you dearly, but I don’t like you AT ALL right now!” It was a hard pill to swallow! That statement sounded cold and unloving to me as a teenager, but she was right! And in hindsight, I’m so glad she said it, because it was sobering enough for me to realize that I needed to change.
If you’ve never experienced a child who just takes more correction, more energy, more time, more patience, etc., please try to refrain from judging those who do have children like this! Of course, there will always be children who are undisciplined and we all recognize that. But this is different.
These children usually receive more discipline than anyone else; get more one-on-one attention than others; and have the will to fight, just for the sake of fighting.
I met with one of my friends last week who is raising a strong-willed child, who is now a senior in high school. She just looked at me and said, “It just doesn’t end! Like, they seriously do not grow out of this!”
I wanted to whine, “I knnooooooow!”
But as difficult as these kids are, they need our unconditional love just as much as the more compliant children do. Sometimes, even more.
So, what does that look like when the last thing on Earth you want to do is put more effort into loving this child?!?
How to Show Unconditional Love to Your Difficult Child
- Remember that “like” and “love” are two very different things–
This is so very important. Most children aren’t really difficult to love. They are difficult to like. There is a big difference. Of course, we want to like our children all the time! But even the moms who always seem to love being home with or spending time with their children have moments, if not days, or entire stages of life, in which they don’t like it.
I think any mom who tells you that everything is wonderful all the time, is either lying or on some really good medication!
You can love your children wholly, and not like them a bit, all at the same time!
At the same time, remember that when your child doesn’t like you, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. They are not synonymous! Your child may even say, “I hate you.” In their minds, “hate” is the opposite of like. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It does mean that they don’t like your position of authority in their lives. Don’t worry! Just like your feelings of dislike toward your child pass, theirs will pass too.
This is so incredibly important, especially when you don’t particularly like where your difficult child is at! I’m going to level with you. Often, speaking your child’s love language will seem like exactly the opposite of what you need to do at the time!
A few nights ago, things were not good between one of my sons and me. He went to bed because we both just needed a break. But I knew he was tired and would fall asleep and I didn’t want our day to end that way.
I went up, having no idea what to even say because I was angry, hurt, and drained from spending the entire day this way. God reminded me that his love language is physical affection, so I went up to his room, and hugged him…hard. I said, “I love you” and left the room.
Maybe it doesn’t seem like much, but in that moment, for me, it wasn’t easy to hug him. I was thinking the entire time, Now, he’ll think everything is copacetic and that I’m not angry or hurt over any of it.
But he hugged me back. And the next morning, he started to come around a little bit and at least listened to some of the things that I needed to say.
Sometimes, you have to buy the child who makes you so mad a gift! That might be her love language and that is not easy! But remember that your child can’t pour from an empty cup! Be the one to fill her cup first, and then she can pour back into yours.
- Take responsibility (even when your child won’t)–
Again, this is sometimes difficult, but you can’t make your child take responsibility for his actions. There is absolutely no point to making your child say, “I’m sorry” to you (at least not after he’s old enough to understand why he ought to do this!)
Of course, every child is different, but I would say that by the age of seven, you shouldn’t have to tell your child to apologize any more. He might need a gentle reminder, but certainly shouldn’t be forced to apologize.
What meaning does that have?
The Lord does not want us to ask His forgiveness because it is a ritual, or it is expected, or it is a daily habit. He wants us to ask His forgiveness because our sin should grieve our hearts!
So, when your child won’t take responsibility for his actions, that’s on him, but make sure it’s not because he’s never seen a good example of it in you!
You might get tired of taking the first steps, but you are the parent, leading by example. Your child needs to see this! And one day, his time will come! And you might receive a random text saying, “Once again, I’m really sorry for the way I treated you when I was a teenager.”
- Discipline in love–
Difficult children push buttons we may not have even known we had! And once they discover those buttons, be prepared for battle!
I don’t know why they are wired this way, but I know there is an important reason.
When they push our buttons, it’s easy to just start throwing out discipline that is reactionary. But discipline must be out of love. Try your hardest to choose discipline that corrects the behavior, while teaching the heart.
Difficult children, especially, need lots and lots of discipline. If it is motivated by and executed out of love, then your difficult child is receiving love every time she needs to be disciplined.
It is tough…but so necessary.
Remember that the Lord disciplines those He loves and He tells parents to do the same. One time, my son said to me, “Mom, he [one of his friends] never has any consequences. Why can’t you be like his parents?”
I replied, “Because I love you.”
You will not always do it perfectly, but taking a moment to think things through will help you to see past the behavior and to the heart issue. This Focus on the Family Broadcast talks about using discipline to connect to a child’s heart and may be of help to you if you’re at the end of your rope in this area, or you don’t know where to begin.
- Keep your eye on the target–
Distractions are our worst enemy when raising any child, especially difficult children. Often, minor things are the biggest distractions to what our end goal is.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself, “Do I want to raise well-behaved children or do I want to raise responsible adults?” The first does not always result in the second. Therefore, you must keep your eye on the target when dealing with children.
We have to constantly be weeding out distractions–things that take our time away from parenting as well as minor issues that can be blown out of proportion into big deals.
See through your child’s behaviors and look to her heart. Is it soft? Is it teachable? What is the end goal? Are you on the right path to meet that goal?
You can discipline your difficult child into compliance, but if you lose sight of the target, and compliance becomes your goal, then don’t be surprised when that child complies with the first boy who ever wants her to compromise her values; or when your son refuses to take a stand on any issues. Compliance, especially in today’s world, is quite harmful!
Instead, my end goal is for each of my children to walk with the Lord, desiring to serve Him and honor Him with their whole lives–with their thoughts, and through their actions, in mouth and in deed.
If I can keep my eye on that target, and choose my battles accordingly, it doesn’t guarantee that my children will turn out that way, but at the end of the day, I’ll know that I did everything I could to get there.
Final Thoughts on Showing Unconditional Love to Your Difficult Child
Raising an oppositional child is difficult, at best, and can be downright infuriating and draining other times. Every child needs his parents to show unconditional love, but if I said that’s equally easy to do across the board, I’d be lying. Some kids just have a natural way about them.
And the ones with a very hard shell usually have a natural way of making a parent’s blood boil. The key is doing whatever you can to keep that heart inside soft! You can work with a hard shell, but a hard heart is nearly impossible to reach.
Showing unconditional love to your difficult child when things are at their worst can help your child’s heart keep from hardening. It’s definitely not the magic solution or the end-all-be-all, but it does help, whether you see it or not.
Keep praying for your child. And when you just don’t know what to do anymore, pray that the Lord will discipline her for you, in a way that only He can. And telling your child, “I will never give up on you!” or “You will never make me stop loving you!” never really hurt.
Sometimes, these are the things that I say when I’m really angry with my child. I have said these to phrases through gritted teeth and even yelled them a few times. Doing that helps me get some of my anger out without wounding my child with words that I will regret later.
Difficult children are a gift from God. He uses them to refine us and to teach us to recognize when we are not teachable. I do wonder sometimes how often God throws up His hands and thinks, “Oh, she is a difficult child!” And He continually shows me His unconditional love, speaks my love language, and disciplines me in love. You can do this for your difficult child too!
RElated: How to Reconcile with Your Teenager
