We are in a phase here! My relationship with my oldest son is definitely changing. While that’s normal and can be a good thing, we’re not in a great place right now. I need to focus on the positive. Honestly, we do still have a pretty decent relationship, overall, and his relationship with my husband is improving in many ways, which is great to see! However, the backtalk is getting out of control quickly and NOTHING makes me lose my cool faster than a fruitless, endless, argument! The best way to end backtalk quickly, I have found, is with a quick one-liner to shut down backtalk.
We’ve gone through this stage before, but it always takes awhile before I step back and realize that I’m engaging. Each of our children has struggled with talking back or arguing at different times, but our oldest son was born a fighter. I know that is a gift that will serve him well in life, but only if he learns when and where and with whom to argue! Apparently, that’s where I come in!
Our middle two might argue at times, but usually, I just say, “I said, ‘No’,” and they quit. Not so with our oldest. It could go on and on and on and he would enjoy every second of it…while I tried hard not to implode!
You also have to know your weak points. Last night, I had just gotten the other kids to bed after a very long day. I was tired and of course, that was when my son decided we needed to have yet another discussion as to why I won’t allow him to buy a dirt bike. And it all stemmed from my asking this question, “Do you feel like our relationship is strong right now?” Well, it turns out that the reason our relationship is not as strong as it once was is because I won’t let him buy a dirt bike. Hey! I can live with that! Anyway, I should have seen the argument coming and just told him, “Goodnight,” rather than trying to have a deep conversation, but instead, I made a rookie mistake! Oh well! Learn and live!
So, how should I have handled his arguing? Well, when my kids are arguing or fighting, I remind them that it takes two to make a fight work. It’s just like a game of catch. If one person sets the ball down and walks away, the game is over. The same goes for an argument, so if you can find a way to figuratively set the ball down and walk away, the argument is over. Usually, I use a one-liner to just end the conversation to shut down the backtalk and it works far better than engaging in a futile argument!
5 One-Liners to Shut Down Backtalk
- “Okay, Mom.”
When my kids start to argue with me, I often just say, very firmly, “Okay, Mom.” Often, I like to add, “You’re the best, Mom! I love you, Mom!” to it and then say, “Those are your options right now.” If they keep going, I just repeat it until they get the message that the argument is, indeed, over!
- “This discussion is over. If you’d like to continue, you may argue with yourself in the mirror.”
Once you say this, you have to stick to it! No more talking on your part! You MUST IGNORE whatever your child says next! You have to send the message that you are dropping the ball and walking away.
My daughter actually goes into the bathroom when she is frustrated by something, and talks to herself for a while. It is the funniest thing to hear her venting, telling both sides of what happened, and very obviously frustrated when saying it. Then, boom! She opens the door and is totally better! It’s hilarious, but I give her so much credit for being able to work things out; talk herself down; and change her attitude so well at such a young age! She knows what works for her! Sometimes, arguing in the mirror is either not appealing so your child will just quit, or just what he needs to “get it all out!”
- “I have heard you.”
Most of the time, the backtalk and arguing stem from the fact that your child wants to be heard. They will often continue until they know you have heard what they have to say. Most often, I use this line in conjunction with, “The answer is still ‘No’,” because that’s why my son feels the need to be heard again! In his mind, if he could just communicate his argument differently, I would understand and side with him. The argument stays the same though and I don’t need to hear it 85 times!
Shut it down with “I have heard you and the answer is still, ‘No’.” The backtalk, most often, ends there. Then, I have to stop speaking and will ALWAYS have to stop speaking first!
- “Last word?”
So, maybe you could say that I got the argumentative son I deserve because I was pretty great at backtalk myself when I was a teenager. (It’s always a good reminder that I haven’t always been where I am now!) My dad used this line on me all the time and I HATED IT!
At one point, when I was arguing with him, he said to me, “It really doesn’t matter what I say, you always have to have the last word.” I didn’t know what he meant and he explained that really, he could even have been in full agreement with me, but I still would have had to have the last word in an argument.
After that, any time I was arguing with my dad, he would simply say, “Last word?” You have NO IDEA how powerful AND ANNOYING this is! Because if I kept arguing, it made my dad right! And if I didn’t keep arguing, he also won by getting the last word! He put himself in a win-win situation with that line and I hated it so much that I’ve never used it with my kids!
However, if morale doesn’t improve, I will be pulling the “Last word?” card!
- “I hope you’ll have a chance to be a better parent than me”—
And that is all. This is another way of refusing to be drawn into the argument. You don’t have to engage. The more confident you are in the fact that you’re not a perfect parent, the less likely your child will be to try to guilt you into doing something just because someone else has the cool parents, or the better parents. The less concerned you are with being liked by your child, the more leverage you have as a parent.
Of course, all the cool parents let their kids have dirt bikes! I’ve never been cool. So, I usually just say, “I’m sure you’ll be a better parent when you have kids.” And that ends it.
Those are the top five one-liners for us and they really do work to shut down backtalk when remember to use them! Sharing them has reminded me that these are far better responses than engaging in an argument, only to end up frustrated and exhausted.
RElated: How to Disagree Respectfully–for Teens and Parents
