Once in a while, I hear that I am doing something right in parenting. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it does and it’s pretty consistent, it is pretty great. The compliment I receive on behalf of my children most often is that they are polite and use great manners.
Of course, as I write these words, I can’t help but think of my youngest daughter’s behavior just yesterday. Some friends that we haven’t seen for a long time invited us out for pizza and insisted on treating. It was incredibly kind of them.
But at some point yesterday morning, my daughter had decided that she was going to make lunch for everyone…except that she didn’t tell me this. So, as soon as we arrived at the pizza place, her mood changed to complete obstinacy.
Clearly, I had not mastered the art of teaching my child manners!
In fact, I was mortified by her poor manners and rude behavior.
But we are making progress.
As a society, there is just a general rudeness that has overtaken most people! Am I the only one who notices? I would dare say that most adults, in general, need a MAJOR lesson in manners!
Our society is so absent of manners that sometimes, even if a parent wants to teach their child manners, beyond please and thank you, they don’t know what to teach! And is it really worth it?!
Yes.
Benefits of Raising Polite Children
There are several benefits of raising polite children.
First of all, your kids get invited to go with their friends to things more often. Why? Because your child is not difficult to take along! If you’ve spent any time with your children’s friends, you know what a chore it can be with some!
Who are you most likely to invite the next time you take your children to do something fun? Of course, the low-maintenance kids who are polite and not obnoxious!
Believe it or not, “obnoxious” was a word all of my children have learned at a very young age! In fact, I remember my two-year-old son saying, “Mom, the kids are so obnoxious” after a pre-school class! (Don’t worry though! My children have been obnoxious with the best of them!)
Second, your kids have a far better chance of getting a job if you have raised polite teenagers. Just a side note here, you may have to review and remind a lot once they become teenagers. It really helps, though, if you’ve set the foundation of expecting manners in to be used in your home!
Employers pay attention, even to the way your child asks for a job application! It is important.
Third, both you and your child earn credibility.
I teach parenting classes for our Early Childhood Family Education program. I’m NOT an expert parent! I am an educated parent, which does qualify me for the job, but I constantly think, “My kids drive me crazy just like everyone else’s. What do I have to offer?”
And I have had a few different parents who have said to me (or something similar), “Oh, anyone whose kids are as polite as yours must be doing something right!” It was one of those moments where all the reminders, all the work I’m putting into raising decent human beings, was acknowledged and affirmed. It may have been one of the most encouraging things anyone has ever said to me!
I believe the most important benefit is that polite children tend to have more genuine gratitude. This is because they say “Thank you” so often, that they actually recognize all the blessings in their lives! Seriously, this one benefit alone is enough to make the effort worth it.
Where do I begin?
There are many things you should be teaching, in order to raise polite children; however, working on the ten basics will give you a foundation for your children, and you can build from there.
Ten Manners EVERY Child Should Know!
- Please and Thank You–
When asking for something, always teach your child to say, “Please.” And if she forgets, don’t give her what she is asking for until you hear that word. This can become a battle with very young children. It was a battle I chose to fight every.single.time and I continue to fight it with my youngest daughter.
It can be exhausting, but this is worth it!
Obviously, teaching your child to say, “Thank you” upon receiving something is just as important. This one can be a bit more difficult because you don’t have the object to withhold if your child refuses to say, “Thank you,” but I found that if I had just battled over “Please” and won, my child was a lot less likely to take me on over “Thank you.”
- Excuse Me–
My son has a friend who thinks that belching is hilarious (BOYS!), and that whenever he came over, he should show off his skills. Thankfully, he’s grown up a lot! But it was difficult for a while to have him over because of course, my son would do the same, and then start a habit that I was not on board with!
Even though, when I heard his friend do it, I corrected him and told him to say, “Excuse me” or reminded him to not be rude, it was hard for a while. And here’s the thing. I’m pretty sure his parents would not have allowed it at their home either!
So, obviously, kids do things that we didn’t think they would do when we’re not around…I’m absolutely sure that my children are not exempt from that!
In any case, teaching your children to say, “Excuse me” after any rude or unexpected bodily function happens, is very important!
This is not the only time to say, “Excuse me” though! If your child bumps someone accidentally, “Oh, please excuse me!” is appropriate. If two people are talking and you have to walk between them, “Please excuse me” should be said! I say it when I’m in a store all the time as well!
If someone is standing in an aisle looking at something and I have to walk in front of her, I say, “Excuse me.” It happens so rarely now that recently, when I said, “Excuse me” to a lady in a store, she looked shocked and replied, “Of course! You sweetheart!”
- Do Not Interrupt Two Adults Speaking–
“Excuse me” is also the ONLY way to interrupt adults when they are speaking! Children need to be taught not to interrupt when adults are speaking. This is one my children have struggled with.
The only way to teach this is to not allow them to interrupt when you are speaking. They will put it to the test whenever possible, but staying consistent will eventually pay off.
- Eating Whatever is Served–
Seriously, being a picky eater is rude. I realize that it’s not always within your control, but you need to teach your child that it’s rude too. I am not talking about having a legitimate reason to not eat something–like dietary restrictions or allergies here–I’m talking about just being picky.
My kids’ friends who are picky eaters will probably not get invited as often as those who aren’t…and maybe it’s not a big deal to you, and that’s fine. But this girl is not a short-order cook! My children are expected to eat what is served, and doing so at someone else’s house will likely get them invited over more often!
That being said, I do try to accommodate my children’s friends if they don’t like what is being served because it’s not my job to make them less picky. It’s my job to make them feel welcome in my home.
- Thank You for Having Me–
When your children go to a friend’s house, they should always thank the parents for having them over. If a child says, “Thank you for having me” to your child, your child should reply with, “Thank you for coming.”
My children have been to many birthday parties at which they have said, “Thank you for inviting me.” and the other child does not have a clue what to say! Usually, they get an, “Uh-huh.” Thankfully, most of my children also have polite friends and their moms step in and teach them to say, “Thank you for coming.”
As your kids get older and participate in more activities, they may need to get a ride home with someone. Be sure to teach your child to say, “Thank you for the ride” every.single.time.
Recently, my six-year-old had to get a ride with a friend to her dance class because I was out of town. Before I left, I reminded her, “Don’t forget to tell Katy’s mom, ‘Thank you’ for the ride.” My friend couldn’t believe that my daughter told her, “Thank you for the ride” several times.
Sometimes, our kids know, but they just need to be reminded. And when I got home, I asked her, “Did you remember to use your manners?” She grinned the biggest, proudest grin when she nodded her head.
- Addressing Adults as Mr. and Mrs.–
This is pretty straightforward. Kids should always address their friends’ parents and other adults as Mr. or Mrs. or obviously, Ms. Sometimes, we allow our children to call someone Miss and her first-name, if we are really close friends and there are some adults who have specified that they want to be called by their first names. Of course, the point is to be thoughtful and respectful of the other person, so we oblige.
- Holding the Door for People–
This is a lost art! I think that people get out of the habit because of automatic doors, but it is rare anymore that someone holds the door. Please teach your children to look to see if anyone is behind them. Please teach your children that if they approach a door at the same time as someone else, they should always allow the other person to go first.
Also, PLEASE, for the love of Pete, teach your children to say, “Thank you” if someone holds the door for them! I cannot tell you how many times my children have held the door for people, sometimes a lot of people(!) and only heard “Thank you” one or two times.
I really hate this. I’ll spare you the rant!
- Please Pass The–
Teaching your children to pass food at the table, instead of reaching past everyone to get it is important. It may not seem so important at home, but if you go to someone else’s house, or a restaurant with other people, reaching and grabbing is magnified and just looks rude.
Of course, it may not be something you think about teaching until you’ve been in that position, so start now to avoid looking like the parent whose kid just came from the zoo!
- Being on Time–
This boils down to manners too. Being on time shows that you value someone else’s time as much as you value your own. When my children are getting picked up to go to a friend’s house, or just a quick ride to an activity, I expect them to be ready and waiting for their ride.
The other person is doing you a favor. The least you can do is have your kid ready to go!
If someone has invited you over for dinner, do not keep them waiting! Their time is just as valuable as yours! Some people think that being late is okay because it shows that you’re “flexible,” but really, it might be sending the message that “I have more important things to do,” or “My time is worth more than yours”, or “I’m worth the wait.”
None of these are messages that I want to send to someone. So, be careful about being late!
- Treating Guests Well–
Teach your child that if she has a friend over, it is her job to make it fun for her friend. We want friends to feel welcome and loved in our home. So, a good place to start would be allowing her friend to go first in choosing what to play, or in getting a snack, etc.
It doesn’t mean that your child’s friend gets to be a dictator though. This is definitely something you have to watch with younger children!
I used to play frequently with my younger cousin when I was a child, and there may or may not have been a few threats of, “If you don’t play what I want to play, I’m NEVER coming over again!”
And my parents taught me manners.
Final Thoughts on Raising Polite Children
Obviously, our children don’t do what we teach them all the time. And they’re not going to be perfect. Remember that when you’re tempted to judge another kid for his or her lack of manners.
Teaching these manners to your children will make a slight difference, but consistently reminding is where the progress actually is made.
It has just become such a habit for me that when manners are missing, it sticks out like a sore thumb!
Also, as with everything, you have to model it to get the results you want! My parents modeled good manners to me and using manners became a solid habit. I do expect my husband to use good manners in our home too, and sometimes, he needs a reminder too because it wasn’t a habit he built.
I know it’s a lot! So much goes into raising a child and it’s exhausting sometimes, but this is one of those things that can’t go by the wayside. It just can’t. If you want to find a way for your children to stand out–teach them manners! In this world, they’re hard to come by!
