Teaching Teens to Respect Themselves…We have all heard it. Respect for others begins with respect for yourself. I’ll be honest. I bristle any time I hear any ideas that encourage people to be more self-centered! Respecting oneself is important, but respect for others really begins with respect for, or fear of the Lord. If we do not respect the One Who created us, we cannot respect ourselves. And if we do not respect the Creator of other people, we cannot respect them! It seems simple enough, right?
Wrong! It’s more complicated than that because it’s possible, even likely, to respect and love our Creator, without respecting ourselves. Why is it so easy to look at a beautiful sunset in awe of God’s Creation, but then look in the mirror with disappointment? Did He not create both?
If it’s that difficult for adults, how much more difficult is it for teens?
I was a very secure teenager, all things considered, and I still would never want to go back and have to re-live those years! It’s no wonder that today’s teens face so many battles!
They are constantly bombarded with body-image and appearance—we know this. But teens are also bombarded with academic and athletic pressure. In a society where celebrities are paying millions of dollars just to get their kids into the colleges they want to attend, how does a “normal” teen compete?
As parents of teenagers, girls and boys, we need to strike the delicate balance of teaching teens to respect God, respect others, and to respect themselves, all while guiding them to not accept the victim mentality, to be strong mentally, and to rise up to the challenges with which they are faced! This is no easy task! But it doesn’t matter if you’re up to the challenge or not. Moms, they need us!
So, today, I want to discuss some issues of self-respect that plague teens and how we can help them deal with these issues.
5 Issues of Self-Respect Plaguing Teens
- Self-deprecation vs. Humility—
This one was particularly difficult for me until I was well into my 20s. I correlated self-deprecation with humility. I didn’t want anyone to think I was arrogant, so if someone gave me a compliment, I quickly replied with a negative comment about myself. After all, I wouldn’t want someone to think that I think I’m as good as they think I am!
Teach your teen that self-deprecation is NOT the same as humility! If my child, of any age, puts himself or herself down, it is unacceptable. I tell my child, “I wouldn’t allow you to say those unkind words about anyone else, so you may not say them about yourself.”
Hold your teen accountable for this!
When I was a teenager, struggling so much with my appearance and believing that I would never find a husband because I wasn’t pretty enough for anyone to want to marry, my mom spoke words of truth that I will never forget.
“God made you in His image. Do you really think you’re in a position to tell Him that He made a mistake? Do you think nothing of insulting God?”
It was powerful and unforgettable. It needs to be spoken to our teenagers.
- Performance-Based Blessing—
In their book, The Blessing, Dr. Gary Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D. discuss different types of scenarios in which children grow up never receiving the blessing from their parents. This is another book I highly recommend and when I went to find the link, I found a number of other books by the same author on practical ways to bless your spouse and children written individually for men and women. I’m excited to read a couple of those!
However, back to the subject at hand. The premise of the book is that if we, as parents, do not freely give our love and approval to our children, they will naturally find ways to try to “earn it.” It might come through perfectionism, performing well either in sports, academics, or the arts (whatever is important to you, the parent) or pleasing (by never ruffling any feathers through disagreement).
All of these lead to an unhealthy adulthood and usually a lack of respect for oneself. After all, “If my own parents don’t approve of me, who on Earth would?” Do you see how powerful you are in your teen’s life? They need our approval and they need it given freely, without having to earn it.
- Mistakes Don’t Define—
Giving our approval freely does not mean we must approve of everything our teenagers do! On the contrary, holding our children accountable for their actions, builds their own sense of accountability! That is necessary!
However, it is very important, especially during these formative years, to make sure our children know that mistakes don’t define them, if they let them refine them.
My teenager has made many mistakes! A few with pretty harsh and major consequences. And he also overcompensates. So, when he’s really feeling horribly about himself, he acts like he doesn’t care and that it doesn’t bother him.
SO FRUSTRATING!! It’s hard, as a parent, to remember that when he’s acting belligerently about his mistakes, it’s because he is trying to hide the fact that he is beating himself up inside.
This is where it seems counterintuitive, but we must come alongside them and remind them that their mistakes don’t define them if they let them refine them! (if you say it with the right rhythm, you can make it right into a rap!)
- Who are you? Where Does Your Identity Come From?—
Reminding your child of who he is in Christ will help him to have more respect for himself. Again, going back to respecting his Creator, and not being in a position to tell the God of the Universe that He didn’t do a good job!
There are so many kids and teenagers, and even adults, who don’t know who they are! Teaching your child from a very young age that she is a child of God—that’s where her identity comes from—is so important! So many young people define themselves by what they do; how they think; their political views, etc.! Is it just me? I don’t want those things to define me!
There is freedom in knowing that my identity comes from the Lord. It is because of Christ’s blood on the cross that I am who I am—there is no greater gift than knowing that!
- Address Unhealthy Habits Immediately—
If you even have the slightest suspicion that your teen is drinking, self-medicating through drugs or nicotine, cutting, has an eating disorder, etc., seek help immediately!
My parents watched a family member heading down the rabbit hole of addiction and it was terrifying to watch because that’s all they could do. His parents did not want to hear it and easily justified his behaviors by explaining them away. Now, his life is just a compilation of “if onlys.” If only he had gotten the help he needed right away. If only his parents had held him accountable for his actions. If only he had never become friends with that group in the first place.
Remember that your teen has to live for the rest of his life with the choices he makes now. Sometimes, the right thing is to allow your teen to make those decisions, but other times, you have to intervene. In the case of harmful habits, early intervention is much more effective!
If there’s any chance of teaching our teens to respect themselves, we have to get to them before they have spent too much time making unhealthy choices that they will regret later on.
Teaching teens to respect themselves is difficult! Look around! How many adults have absolutely zero respect for themselves? It’s not an easy task, but we need to think about these things and put them into daily practice because raising a respectable human being begins with respect, first for their Creator, then for authority and others, and finally, for themselves!
RElated: Teaching Kids Respect for Authority
