November is National Adoption Month and while I’m all for bringing awareness, there are still so many things that I wish people knew about adoption.
It is frustrating when most articles outline these very basic things to know about adoption. They list things like, “adoption costs,” and “home requirements.” Yes, these are basics that families need to be aware of, but there are far more important things to know about adoption!
I am so very grateful for adoption, as it brought me my daughter; but I would be remiss if I said it was all roses all the time. Adoption is hard. Adoption is born out of loss. Adoption is grief.
Adoption is also a beautiful gift. My beautiful daughter is such a blessing from God! But her story is one of great loss and even at the tender age of six, she grieves the loss of her birth mother. Only a few days ago, I hugged her as tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “I just really miss my birth mom.”
It used to bother my husband when she said that to me. He didn’t want her to hurt my feelings. But losing our foster son—the one we had hoped and planned to adopt—taught me some of the greatest lessons about adoption I could have ever learned. It is because of that sweet (and challenging) boy that instead of being offended, I grieve that loss with her.
Whether or not you’re thinking about adoption, you need to know these things. If your life hasn’t been touched by adoption in some way, chances are, it will be. And these are things that every person–involved with adoption or not–should know about adoption!
5 Most Important Things to Know About Adoption:
- The Commitment is NOT Mutual—
When you adopt a child, you are committing to love that child through thick and thin. You commit to being that child’s parent and showing unconditional love. A common mistake often made by adoptive parents, though, is to assume that the commitment is mutual.
However, the child does not make those same promises, unfortunately. The child doesn’t have a say in any of it, and yet, we often expect adopted children to “be grateful.” But that child never promised to love his adoptive parents through thick and thin. That child didn’t promise to treat you well, or to love you like family.
Adopted children make no such promises. It is a difficult pill to swallow, but imperative to remember this!
- Birth Mothers are Irreplaceable!—
If I died, I would assume that even if my husband remarried, his new wife could not replace me in my children’s lives. Any good woman who’s watched a romance movie about a young widower knows that!
And, as in all of the good movies about young widowers and their children, the new woman in his life never seeks to replace the children’s biological mother. Instead, she honors her memory and allows the children to grieve, while building trust with her new family.
Likewise, I will never replace my daughter’s birth mother. Babies recognize their mother’s voices before birth! My daughter knew her birth mom’s face and though she may not fully remember it, she knows that I am not her.
But the fact that she misses her birth mom doesn’t have anything to do with me. It doesn’t reflect on her level of acceptance of me, nor does it reflect on whether she likes me or not. It’s not about me!
In the same way that I miss my foster son, she misses her birth mom. The fact that I miss Ollie doesn’t mean I can’t love my daughter, or my other children. We are capable of loving one, while missing another.
- Trust Takes Such a Long Time to Build—
My daughter has been home for three years and she still doesn’t trust me completely. This mostly comes out when I’m taking her to a doctor’s appointment, because in an effort to minimize her anxiety about appointments, I have sometimes chosen to leave out details of the appointment.
I didn’t know at the time that not fully preparing her was affecting how much she trusted me. When my daughter is anxious about something, it doesn’t look like anxiety. It looks like rude, disrespectful, and sometimes, downright naughty behavior. Can you really blame me for wanting to avoid that?
But one day, she actually verbalized it. “Mom, remember when you said I didn’t have to worry? And I got shots!” It hit me hard. I think that was probably the only time I had not been fully forthcoming because the time before, when she got shots, was so, incredibly miserable. My intention was to make things easier for her, but instead, I broke trust.
So, if your adopted child asks questions, they must have the truth all the time! And while it is important never to lie to any of your children, remember, that with adopted children, sometimes they need details that maybe you think could be left out. Building trust is in the details.
And it takes such a long time! Think about a baby’s first year of life. For 365 days, that baby learns that he can trust you to meet his every need.
An older adopted child may not understand why you weren’t there to meet her needs! If she has suffered neglect either at the hands of the orphanage, or of her birth parents, she has learned at a young age that adults cannot be relied upon! And not only that, but where were you when she needed you?!?
Your older adopted child may not understand that you were actually searching the world for her. She only understands that you weren’t there when she needed you.
And after years of not being able to trust adults to provide for her needs, sometimes we expect children to just see that we’re here to take care of them…so why won’t they let us?! It’s frustrating, but you must keep proving yourself. Prove that you can be trusted day in and day out. Prove that you’re not going anywhere day in and day out. Yes, it takes a long time, but when you see your child actually let her guard down, even a tiny bit, for the first time, it is so worth it!
- Adoption is Hard—
Everything about adoption is born from loss. For the adopted child, it’s the loss of a birth family. Such incredible loss. In international adoption, it’s the loss of an entire home, country, and sometimes culture. Profound loss.
A child in foster care who has been moved from place to place suffers great loss with each move. Some foster parents pack their child’s items in garbage bags! Imagine, being a child, moving from home to home with everything you’ve ever owned in a garbage bag. And it’s inevitable. A child is bound to leave an item behind when he leaves.
What happens if that item he left was his favorite stuffed animal? Or the blanket he has had at every house he has lived at…the only thing that helps him sleep at night? More loss.
On the other side, a birth mom suffers loss of the worst kind! She obviously loved her child deeply, or she wouldn’t have chosen life for him. Losing a child is difficult. But losing a child, and never knowing where that child is, or whether he is being cared for and loved or not, is incredibly difficult.
I am in that position with my foster son. I don’t know where he is and I can only hope that he is loved and cared for. It is gut-wrenching pain…and I didn’t even carry him for nine months. I can only imagine how much that pain is heightened, when you have carried that child. Such searing loss.
When a relationship is born from grief, loss, and pain, it’s hard. It’s not a Hallmark movie. It’s grief. And it’s work. But what Satan intends for evil, God uses for good. And the work is worth it because God is so faithful and joy still comes in the morning!
- Adoptive Families Need Your Support—
I don’t mean to paint adoption as a bleak picture here. Our adoption process was filled with five years of pain and heartbreak…and when I saw that beautiful little girl for the first time, the joy was indescribable! Every time I see that sweet face, I see the faithfulness of my Father in Heaven.
Each of my children are a precious gift of which I am so undeserving! And each of them has taught me about the attributes of God, more than any Bible study or class ever could have!
But each of these points that I have made should show you that adoptive families need your support…and not your judgment. One of the most difficult aspects of adoptive parenting is the constant, silent judgement of either the adoptive parents, the child, or both.
A good friend of mine recently said to me, “You are just doing such an incredible job with her!” And while that was encouraging, and it came from a good friend who prayed and prayed for that little girl for me, it still made me wonder how many others are watching.
Another friend of mine, who adopted a child around the same time we did, is going through terribly difficult issues with her son right now. It’s not because she’s not doing an incredible job parenting…it’s because trauma affects people differently. And her son came from a lot of trauma. His future looks bleak, but we do not lose hope!
Sadly, another friend of mine will bury her adopted son this week. My heart is breaking for her! And the saddest part is that someone will say something hurtful about it. In fact, her son has struggled for a long time, and I’m sure she has already had to endure a lot of hurtful things said out of pure ignorance.
Other adoptive families have had to relinquish their parental rights and find a new home for their adopted children. We have two families in our lives that we love very much who have had to do this.
The immediate judgment is on the parents because “you wouldn’t do that with a biological child.” No. They wouldn’t. But a child raised by his biological parents wouldn’t struggle with Reactive Attachment Disorder. A child raised by her biological parents wouldn’t be emotionally incapable of forming a bond with a parent. A child raised by his biological parents wouldn’t think of them as kidnappers.
And believe me when I tell you that having to say, “I am not the best mom for you” is absolutely the most humbling and painful thing a woman ever must say. It is gut-wrenching and life-changing all at the same time.
Adoptive families need your support. Parenting an adopted child is filled with unique challenges. They need you to pray for them. They need you to NOT GOSSIP about them! Adoptive families struggle with things that biological families don’t struggle with. They are fighting a different battle! Imagine how difficult parenting your biological children is…now add a traumatic past to that!
If you are criticizing an adoptive parent’s choices, I beg of you to please stop. Even if you are an adoptive parent, and you think you know what you’re talking about…no two children are alike. And no matter what the situation, people don’t all deal with trauma in the same way. Instead, how can you offer support?
Final Thoughts on Adoption:
Adoption is the most beautiful thing. It is priceless and its value is beyond all measure. It is the perfect picture of God’s love for us. Jesus was adopted. Remember that anything worth having requires great effort and a large investment of time. It’s not a commitment to take lightly, and it’s not going to be all sunshine and roses.
Alphonse Karr said, “Some people grumble because roses have thorns. I am grateful that thorns have roses.”
The adoption issues we face sometimes feel like thorns, but the sweet, beautiful, fragrant rose is such a gift!
RElated: 5 Keys to Parenting Your Difficult Adopted Child
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